NGJ Chapter 97: Smooth Operation (Patreon)

What am I doing right now?

Well, besides beating the snot out of the dungeon boss with black flashes and grinding out domain expansion levels I am taking a stroll around town to look for ingredients.

Ingredients for what? Super potions? Abducting people to turn them into undead slaves? Grabbing a passerby to horribly disfigure their body in an experiment with Idle Transfiguration?

No, I am just looking for ingredients to make food.

I haven't cooked in a long while, and cooking is one of the things I actually enjoyed. I thought maybe I could cook some mean large meal and invite Rias' peerage over for dinner.

And taking a slow, nice walk through the nice peaceful town of Kuoh to clear my mind was also one of my goals.

But well, my luck stat decided to disagree.

As I was walking back home with groceries in hand(carrying them by hand actually gave a sense of novelty) I saw two familiar white-robed figures.

...Begging for money.

Well, aint that a sad sight?

Despite being a necromancer I held no hatred toward clergy, especially beautiful women. Even then I couldn't help but quirk a corner of my lip seeing them begging out in the streets.

"Please spare these two lost sheep your blessing. Please take the Lord's role and give us a blessing." *Pfft!* Hearing the snort without a single touch of anger in her expression Irina turned to me without realizing who I was.

"You there! Could you please help us in the name of our lord and saviour- Mr. Pervert!? I-I mean Mr. Akira?"

I shook my head with a smile.

"You could still call me Mr. Pervert, it isn't like you are wrong, preferably while you look at me with disgusted eyes while stepping on me, I never said I wasn't into that." Irina shivered while cowering away from me slightly while Xenovia shook her head.

I may be obscenely Prideful but there is little I am not into in the bedroom as long as I am in control.

Hell, I was CONSIDERABLY hornier than the average teen, if I did not have self-respect I could probably jack off to just the scent of a girl. I just have absurd self-control.

"What are you doing here? Did you just come here to laugh at us?"

"Oh please, don't flatter yourselves, I was just out shopping and stumbled upon you two." I raised an eyebrow at the disbelieving gases as I raised my shopping bags.

"Oi, what's that look supposed to mean? I still do live in this town you know? I don't just stay in my basement and plan my next nefarious deed you know? I still have a life." At least I like to think I do, I falling into the realization that over 80% of my time in this world has been spent in dungeons with my life in mortal danger.

*GRRRUMBLE!!!*

Xenoiva was about to interject with another comment but was stopped when both of their stomachs released a synchronized almost rehearsed growl that shook the very fabric of the world with how mighty they were. Xenovia's face flushed while Irina looked mortified and set aflame with how hard her face was burning.

"Heh, I guess being a part of the Vatican really doesn't pay huh? Well, follow me then, I am not so cruel to let you starve after all."

They looked cautious but their hunger seemed to outweigh their sense of caution and embarrassment as they followed me.

♢—•♦•—♢—•♦•—♢—•♦•—♢

"Delicious, Irina! *Munch!' Munch!* this is truly delicious! I can't get enough!"

"This is the stuff!!! I can't believe how good your cooking is Akira-san!"

"Gezz, slow down the food isn't running away, but with how vigorously you are eating it may just grow legs and run away from fear." I scratched my head in exasperation at how fast they were eating, it almost looked like a sight right out of DBZ. Thankfully I made food inhumanely fast so I was able to keep pace.

[+10 Affection with Irina Shidou]

[+10 Affection with Xenovia Quarta]

After a few minutes of ceaseless devouring, they finally stopped eating. At which point hung her head.

"Kuh! To think we would be reduced to begging necromancers for help." I could choose to take that as a slight against myself but I magnanimously decided not to.

"Indeed, it's almost like we have sold our souls to the devil." Irina clasped her hands and prayed while I waited for their episodes to calm down before choosing to talk.

"How did you guys even end up so poor in the first place? Does the Vatican not pay their employees?" At my words, Irina sweatdropped while Xenovia's eyebrows twitched and she pointed a finger at Irina.

"It's because after buying some clothes, SHE spent all of our allowance on an obviously fake painting of a saint."

Hearing their words I let out a sigh, what the fuck did the church think, sending them here, equipped with Excaliburs of all things. I mean there must be less wasteful ways of killing two holy sword wielders.

I wouldn't trust them to retrieve bread from the store.

"So, since you guys clearly can't take of yourselves, I have magnanimously decided to extend my help to you two for now." Hearing this Xenovia gritted her teeth while Irina looked far more happy at the mention of help, unlike her prideful friend she fully realized the extent of how alone they were for this mission.

"Ah, thank you very much! May god bless your soul!"

[You have been blessed by a priest]

[Blessing (Duration: 1 Hr)]

Effect: Reduces all stats by -0%

If I were a weaker necromance that actually would have hindered me, that's fun to know.

"Whelp, since I am stuck babysitting you two for now, I think I am privy to the details of your mission unless you think it's polite to just take my help and snub me." Xenovia clenched her hands tight before relenting and letting them relax.

"Fine, we only have a 30% chance at best of making it out of this mission alive anyway. The enemy we are up against is backed up by Kokabiel, one of the Cadre."

Going over the information made me actually slightly angry at this situation.

This was just plain abuse.

The fucking church could not take their cocks out of little Timmy's pants for one second and actually think with their fucking brains? Are they retarded? Oh yeah! Let's send a NATURAL HOLY SWORD WIELDER WITH FUCKING DURANDAL IN HER POCKETS.

TO FUCKING FIGHT AGAINST KOKABIEL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

MOTHERFUCKERS YOU HAVE VASCO STRADA ON YOUR SIDE AND HE MANAGED TO FEND OFF KOKABIEL ALREADY IF YOU WANT THE SWORDS BACK THAT BAD SEND HIM AS BACKUP!

This matter got me unreasonably riled up. More than I normally would have. Why?

My mind rifled through my memories to get an answer and I got it.

Both lives ruined by stupid shitty old men, unable to live their lives.

Stiffling my rage I rubbed the bridge of my nose and asked them quietly.

"So the church sent you to kill yourselves? Gave you some loose change and a pair of knives then ordered you to take a weapon from a Cadre? Which Cardinal did you walk in on molesting a kid?"

Xenovia closed her eyes in a resigned manner while Irina looked between us repeatedly.

"That's right. We were sent by the higher-ups to sacrifice ourselves is all, we can't refuse help."

"But isn't that the ideal test of faith?" Hearing Irina spout that bullshit with eyes filled with such damn near pushed me over the edge.

"A test of faith?" With an empty voice, I spoke getting near Irina making them get in a defensive position but before they could react I summoned a knife into my hand and stabbed it into the table in front of Irina inches away from her face.

"Fine, then, kill yourself right now." It was like a thunder struck the kitchen making everyone go silent as Irina looked at me with eyes open.

"W-what are you saying?"

"Didn't you say it yourself? Isn't killing yourself the ultimate test of faith? You were so eager to throw yourself into the maws of death moments ago, where did all of that bravado disappear to? Or are you a heretic?"

Angered Irina shot out of her chair with her hands on the table.

"What are you saying!? This is different, we are risking our lives on a mission for our lord to retrieve his sacred blades!"

"No, you aren't. You are just throwing your lives away because some shitty old men wanted you to kill yourselves. This isn't a mission from the big man upstairs, it's simple stupidity." Irina was going to speak again while Xenovia fell silent but I gestured for her to quiet down.

This should at least get a bit of doubt in her heart.

"Well, regardless, I have already promised you my help, I don't intend to just sit back and watch you throw your lives away. We will strike at Night, fast and silent enough that hopefully Kokabiel won't notice us. In the meantime, want to play something?"

...

Thankfully, the tension between us had mostly been dispelled with a few board games. I tried to get them to play me in Hota but I was shocked and appalled when I realized they couldn't play video games, they just didn't know how to.

They were a bit awkward, with their teachings from the church encouraging them to distrust a necromancer but the affection ratings of them made them like me enough to get past that and try to actually enjoy themselves.

So I busted out the old board games. Nothing helps break friendships better than Monopoly and Uno.

Of course, with my luck, no such unfavourable situation occurred. Though of course I was accused of cheating more than once with my supernatural luck but what can you do?

Life is just unfair.

But before too long their affections were increased by a few points and it became night, which meant it was time for me to strike.

They tried to join me but...

Honestly, they are more than a hindrance to me. So I "politely" shut them down. Besides, there is no need for backup. This is supposed to be me quickly dropping in on them and handling everything in less than 5 seconds.

To make extra sure I used the [Card of Hears] I got a while back to see Excalibur Rapidly's location on freed and then used my eyes to scout there to see no Kokabiel only him and the priest dude.

Now, it was showtime.

...

It wasn't even a fight.

Truly.

I just teleported there and before Freed and Pope whose name I won't bother remembering registered my presence and popped their heads like balloons.

In the next second, I used dash to quickly gather up every single valuable thing available in their hideout.

Including a Light Element Container and the 3 Excalibur's.

Nightmare, Rapidly and Transparency.

And in the 3rd second, I teleported out again, no need to poke the hornet's nest.

As I appeared in front of Xenovia and Irina again they looked confused.

"Are you done already?" Asked Xenovia in an incredulous manner as I nodded and pulled out the 3 Excalibur's to their amazement.

"Yep, easy as cake, big guy wasn't there. It was as simple as grab and go." Hearing my words Xenovia shrugged while Irina wiped her brow.

"Well, that's good! That means we get to go back home and we didn't even have to risk our lives! Isn't that great Xenovia?"

"...Yeah." While Irina was happy to go back Xenovia did not feel exactly the same, she already had her doubts about the church and Akira's words had just exaggerated them.

"Actually..."

"I think I will keep these."

"WHAT!?"

A/N: Akira does have a heart, well it's still mostly buried under all of that rubble called paranoia and obsession but almost ever since he came into this world he has emphasized somewhat with someone, due to their similarity to him. Who knows what this entails?

Also, I am sure Kokabiel won't be a problem now that Akira has stolen the Excalibur pieces without being noticed.

Right?

Patch notes: Vasco Strada has been nerfed to bottom-ranked Ultimate Class because Ishibumi straight up forgot that humans are supposed to be weak when writing him, narratively his strength does not make sense, in his fights it doesn't make sense, his feats don't make sense, he is a character with as much strength the plot needs him to have that is randomly decided, so I have decided to leave him at bottom Ultimate, I will not take objections.