The Ballad of Gluttony - Pride (Patreon)

One demon stood greater than all of the rest,

For PRIDE was the best of the best of the best.

She’d won ever award – the Oscar, the Grammy,

the 2013 crown for Miss Teen Miami.

Plus a Pulitzer, Nobel, Newbury, and Tony.

But Gluttony whispered, “Oh, Pride, you big phony!

There’s one record you still have no record of beating,

and that’s any one for competitive eating!”

Pride could not let this blot on her image remain.

She picked out a contest and started to train.

And soon set a new record in speed-eating pies

at the cost of a minor increase in her size.

She couldn’t stop there. She had to excel.

She had to break all other records as well.

The record for hot dogs, the record for steaks,

The record for eggplants and pickles and cake.

Now Pride cannot hide that she’s wide as a whale—

All the records are shattered and so is her scale.

But she’s swelled with herself in her mountainous chest,

For Pride’s now the absolute biggest and best.