Surprise! (Patreon)

Yes, I'm alive. A lot of you are probably just now remembering you are even subscribed here, and for that I am sorry. I've dealt with a handful of life events/happenings in these recent months, but I will fill you in more on that in the next post (coming soon, still in edits). For tonight, I really just wanted to talk about this set of photos.

I took these specifically to share with you all, because I actually think of you and about wanting to share with you nearly every day. I know at first glance these photos may appear simple, but they mean much more when you know understand what I wanted from them. See, I took these on my 30th birthday (surprise! Yes, I'm recently 30). I've never looked 'my age', and I'm starting to understand what older people were always talking about when they say they didn't feel their age. I don't feel connected to 30, and when I'm telling anyone that it feels foreign coming out of my mouth. It's not that I'm hung up on age or that I'm having some kind of aging crisis, but I guess I just always saw people at 30 as such grown ups. I am a grown up and have been for some time, but I guess it just feels different than how I thought of grown ups when I was younger - make sense? 

Anyway, the reason I love these photos so much is because when I see myself this way, I feel like I'm looking at my genuine self. No make-up, bare feet, un-styled hair. Not trying hard to impress anyone, but just relaxed and feeling myself. I see the parts of my body that have changed from 10 years ago, and the parts of it that I used to dislike that I now fully embrace without shame. I love my (somewhat pasty) fair skin-- skin that I used to subject to tanning beds and sun to achieve some version of beauty that doesn't even compare to how much I've come to love my natural complexion. I carried a straightening iron with me everywhere I went (including to school) when I was a teenager to battle the curl you see in my hair. I'd never go anywhere without make-up for much of my life, but it's rare you'd see me wearing any most days. Padded push-up bras made me less self conscious of my small boobies and now I literally couldn't even tell you the last time I wore a bra with an underwire or any kind of padding (to be clear, I really don't need the support so anything with an underwire is truly just for vanity purposes for my use). I could list more, but my point is that I'm proud of that part of grown-up-me. Not that I'm totally free of self-criticism, but when I think back about all the ways and all of the energy and effort and time I put into trying to hide parts of myself that I didn't like, I feel a little bad for younger me. I can't even remember why I disliked so many things about myself in the first place, and my thoughts and efforts are consumed with so many other things these days that don't include fighting against myself. 

Reading that back, it sorta sounds like on-paper I've 'let myself go' as I've aged. But, (okay prepare for this to sound super cheesy), it feels a lot more like I've let myself in. So yea, I'm really proud of that. And even though that's never how anyone described what being 30 would be like, I can only imagine myself 10 years from now. The 'me' that's a decade older, better, stronger, and feeling a little bad for the me that's writing this post now, because of all of the things I just can't see quite clearly yet.