unsure. always unsure. (Patreon)

7/29/22

A big fear I have is that I want to be a writer but that I’m actually a terrible terrible writer and every single person who reads what I write knows it.

But why do I even need to care or think about that.

Make it for me. Write it for me.

Writing is one of my absolute favorite things if not my number one favorite thing!!! I want to write. I want to write constantly.

Really though, I want to think. I want to think constantly.

and writing helps me focus my thinking.

It’s like, all those sleepless nights and 2am wake up calls maybe were actually calls. My body knowing. The deepest part of me KNOWING. You want to think. You need to think. Get up and think!

All the times when I would wake up and have what I thought were the best thoughts, and I wanted to write but I didn’t give my instincts their desires they were wanting.

for whatever reasons. I didn’t allow them. Didn’t allow her. Didn’t give her the space she wanted.

My brain wanted to think. Wanted to think and write. Or think and speak. And now that I am thinking, thinking and WRITING, writing all the time since Gideon left. All the time. I am able to get out my thoughts and I am able to move through the world in the way I was intended.

My heart says write,

my hands say write,

so I write.

And it is pleasure. It is pure pleasure. And also sometimes pure agony. Is that what makes us come alive? allowing our brains the space to write. The actual pen to the paper. to actually type.

The actual room to type in, completely alone. Completely with ourselves.

And maybe thats really what writing is doing. Allowing us to be and be and be.

Be with ourselves. Get used to ourselves, used to our loneliness. Used to our pain. Used to the sadness and the fucking grief and the fucking rage. And focus on it.

I mean, focus-wise, I have a long way to go. But i'm getting better. I don't need to always focus. But sometimes, the things I know I need to give my attention to, I need some form of discipline for.

I need some form of discipline for stillness and silence and allowing my body to just be. Just be and think. Feel and think.

it is pleasure and also agony, it's both heaven and hell.

Caught in the in between. But caught in the in-between is where the feeling is.

i'd rather be caught in this in between, pulled and pushed in both directions than to not feel any of it. or even less, i dont want to feel less than i do. i am learning how to feel it all and let it…