growing pains (Patreon)

i am so tired.

i don’t know if i can do this.

i don’t know if i want to.

i look back on the agony i was in the last few days of january, where i wrote

“…i would do anything. i would… and never complain about sexism again if i could have him back…”

and god does that make me feel silly.

wow, i fucking meant that with everything in me when i wrote it.

but i know and i knew that that was not for me. the life i had, the pain i was in constantly, was not to stay.

i am in a different kind of pain now,

it’s growing pains,

instead of chronic pain.

i am mourning,

but the mourning is of a loss,

instead of a life.

i am crying,

but this time the tears are welcomed,

instead of feeling embarrassed by them.

i don’t know if i can do this.

but i will try.

i will create a community here,

i will find contentment in myself

and i will learn to have compassion in every moment.

i will build a life in this town,

i will create friendships and art and love.

i have more people to meet who i will love

and who will love me.

i have more people to meet who will laugh

and cry

with me.

i have flowers to plant

and cakes to bake

and i have this breath to breathe right now.

reminding me

of all i am and all i can feel in every beautiful moment.