i was a hurricane (Patreon)

one day i am here.

the next i am so, so far gone.

so, so far away.

one day i am calm.

the next i am a hurricane moving through the house.

but this time i am fully aware how much i’m raining. and who i am raining on.

that’s good right?

that’s progress?

i hope.

the whole time i rain down,

i hear the words in the back of my head from my favorite meditation.

the part about our voice.

saying “we create good or we create harm with this part of us”

and just so aware of the harm, or at least how little good i bring in that moment.

and it is like that.

i know it.

i know i have that power.

i know how delicate i am to someone elses voice.

the words they speak, we speak.

but more than that.

the way we say it.

our tone, our gentleness or our harshness.

why do i love hilary mcbride and sarah blondin and ticht naht hahn so much, but can not stand to listen to time suck, or other podcasts with more aggression in the sound.

and yet.

i can somehow let out even more aggression and lack of control and care with my own voice.

i want to say that will be the last time i ever get like that again.

i want to believe it.

i think i do.

something similar happened 3 years ago.

when i attended vipassana.

i said, i will NOT throw things anymore. because i used to throw things when i got hurt and angry.

and i haven’t since.

i will NOT allow my voice and my movements as i move through the house to be anything like what it was a few days ago ever again.

i won’t.