i feel so much, and it is a gift. (Patreon)

i currently feel so at peace. so alive? i do feel alive. so aware. this is the path, or at least my path. or at least my path now.

i knew it when i went to vipassana. learning how to not hope, to not desire, to not push away the present moment.

abandon hope.

abandon hope.

abandon hope.

hope is something i so often feel and it so often brings me so much excitement. but by hoping i am taking myself away from who i am and where i am and how i am right now. i am always changing. i am always learning and growing. but more than that, i am always always right here, right now.

i am here right now with crusty eyes and a growling stomach, cold hands typing on my phone and a mind that feels awake and present and aware of the things i have been holding onto to keep me suffering.

but the bigger suffering is that i am trying to get away from my suffering. that’s more painful, even if i don’t notice the pain as much, it’s more painful because it is more like dying. taking me out and away from my body. avoiding who i am and what i am feeling right NOW.

in the car the other day when i was listening to the podcast that had 15 minutes of just breathing and focusing on being present with whatever arises, i was able to think of all the things i am scared of, allowed myself to notice those thoughts and those feelings. and it was actually very beautiful. i allowed myself to feel so scared, to be so curious, to go deeper into them. and what i found was that by allowing myself to come into myself with those fears, was a joy along with an agony. i get to feel these things.

that i get to feel anything at all,
felt like such a gift.

and that is the gift of being human. we’re here and we get to experience.

i feel so much - so deeply - so constantly
and it is such a gift.

i feel so acutely. and it was just such an amazing few minutes, allowing myself to be who i am without pushing it away. allowing myself to feel in those moments. and whenever i take the time and am disciplined enough to carve out space to meditate, i notice that.

it is hard. it is so so hard to let myself be fully present but it is IT. it is the thing that makes me feel the most alive and grateful and at peace. it makes me so thankful to be human, to be me, to be me and not anyone else. because what i am experiencing in any moment is so unique to my life and my memories and my pain and the way i have loved and the way i have hurt and the way i have hated.

gratitude for where i am now. gratitude for what has brought me here, to this point.

so much gratitude for gideon. for him choosing to leave. the places i have brought myself to because of him leaving, would i have ever done otherwise? i needed this rug being pulled out from under me. i needed this feeling of being so completely lost and alone and like a child.