Chapter 245: Life, Uh.. Finds a Way (Patreon)

***5 Years ago***

“Perry, help!” Natalie shouted, her feet dragging across the floor as the glowing maw of the kaleidoscopic lump of metal turned to face her.

Perry set Gor’s disintegration to basketball-sized and shot the machine…accomplishing nothing. The metal pedestal the thing had been resting on seemed to throb with absorbed power.

Nat’s feet dragged across the steel floor.

Without thinking, Perry jumped in between his girlfriend and the thing, and punched it right in its stupid kaleidoscope face.

Flash!

A flash of light washed over Perry as Nat bumped into his back.

OW.

Perry felt like he’d just gone through another soul surgery. His entire soul ached, and if someone tried to hug him, he’d kick their ass.

But…I’m still alive? Perry thought, glancing up at the machine.

The floating Rorschach test began wobbling violently, the thrumming power spiking over and over, retching like a cat with a hairball…or a machine with something caught in its gears. Perry could guess what.

***Facility H-24317****

Damage sustained by primary birthing pods. Enemy forces present.

Emergency protocols activated. Situation at primary site . Shunting sample to H-23417.

Error. Sample causing damage to transportation hardware. Reinforcing. Reinforcing…Reinforcing…

Sample acquired.

Sample deemed insufficient for processing. Will contain until advantageous use discovered.

Sample increasing in volume.

Sample causing damage to storage hardware.

Sample attempting to interface with exposed processing components.

Sample deemed too hazardous to contain indefinitely.

Purging.

Sample adapting…

Sample not purged.

Running creative problem-solving software…

Processing Sample without life-support to ensure expiration.

A moment later, one of the many, many artificial wombs that lined the walls of a hidden underground bunker began to thrum rhythmically as it chewed on a particularly gristly bit of soul.

A short time later, a sickly pale humanoid shape dropped out of the artificial womb with a wet plop.

Its skin was the color and texture of partially melted candle wax. Soft, shiny, and malleable. Parts of its back had shiny black metal emitters stuck inside it, as if it had formed around the emitters while they were still working, attempting to consume them whole before they finished their task. The machine had chosen to jettison them rather than risking further contamination. A small sacrifice to prevent the loss of Facility H-23417 as a whole.

The creature’s brows furrowed for a moment upon hitting the ground, startled out of blissful unconsciousness. A moment later, its eyelids peeled open.

Startlingly bright green eyes took in the dim bunker, registering a mix of fear and confusion.

It opened its mouth to breathe, its expression turning from confusion to panic.

The machine had not given it lungs, or a mouth.

In a desperate scramble to survive, to find a way to satiate the burning need gradually suffusing its entire body, the creature clawed forward, ignoring the pain of the metal shards embedded in its tender flesh, which split and opened around the heavy impediments, causing rivulets of bright red blood to cascade down its back.

It made it a full twelve feet, collapsing in the center of the room as the oxygen in its blood ran out, simply unable to maintain a high enough concentration to sustain the creature.

It died.

Non-standard Purging completed.

Re-entering Standby mode.

…

……

Motion detected.

***Five Years later****

“Can you believe this!?”

Tom and Felix, Terminal Velocity and Maximum Overdrive, respectively, stared down at the lottery ticket in their hands.

It was more of a survey map with a big X on the side of a hill. But it was a lottery ticket.

Washington city was hosting…something of a treasure hunt. The leader of Washington, one Stacy Watt-Powers, had uncovered a data drive with a treasure trove of locations of old Professor Replica labs strewn across the country.

Tom and Felix didn’t bother to ask how.

Any self-respecting Tinker wouldn’t ask questions when presented the opportunity to scavenge one of the lairs of one of the most powerful supervillains in the world.

They had immediately gone to Washington city and entered the raffle and had been picked for this one; Site H-24317. H stood for Hidden.

Apparently there were more sites across the US than anyone had known, and even Professor Replica had never been to all of them, as the replicators made new bases for their leader anywhere they thought he may one day need to hide or utilize.

They even continued to do so while he was dead the last forty years, only stopping now, actually.

Something about the whole situation seemed…a little odd to Felix, but he didn’t wanna look a gift horse in the mouth.

Free lair swag!

Who could say no to free lair swag?

“Ohh…” Tom rubbed his hands together. “I’m hoping for a death ray. Hope there’s death rays in the wall and we can just pop ‘em out. Ooh, or a stasis field. Or a huge stockpile of ammo. Or kill-bots.”

“I’m hoping for some of those android makers.” Felix said.

Tom’s jaw slowly dropped as he realized what Felix was talking about.

“Custom girlfriends!”

“You know it bro!” Felix said.

The two of them shared a quick bro hand-clasp, causing the woods to echo with a sharp crackas their top-of-the-line armors struck each other’s palms

“Wait, won’t we need a blueprint? Or like, to vaporize someone at the atomic level to make one? And how would we make changes to them? Do we have that kind of software back home?” Tom asked.

Felix’s jaw slowly dropped as the reality of the proposition came crashing down on him. A glistening tear welled up in his eye as Nancy the Custom Girlfriend sailed away on the river of dreams.

“Shoot, maybe we can just buy one with the profit.” Felix said.

“Heck yeah!” tom said with a fist pump before his posture became thoughtful. “Wait a minute…isn’t that illegal in Washington? What with them all being robots? And officially recognized as, you know…people?”

“Yeah but I mean, like a robot robot, not like a Washington robot.”

“Oh, okay, cool.” Tom said, returning his attention to the sweeping mountain forests they were scanning. “So then…isn’t that basically just banging a toaster oven?” Tom asked.

“Okay, you know what? No robot girlfriends, a’ight?” Felix said.

“Awww.” Tom said.

“You pointed it out! It’s impractical and it makes us look like freakin’ idiots!”

“What if the Professor Replica android maker comes with its own software?” Tom asked.

Felix paused mid-retort, his finger raised.

“Well, then we’ll have to reassess that decision when we arrive.”

“OOH, I think I got it!” Tom said, making a quick motion with his hand. A moment later, a lump of metal under the surface of the forest was highlighted in Felix’s HUD.

“Alright,” Felix said, consulting his map. They were in the right place. “Let’s check it out.”

“So what kind of android girlfriend do you want?” Tom asked as they began their descent. “I’m thinking mine’ll be in the mood a hundred percent of the time.”

“You’d get bored.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yeah-huh,” Felix said. “Mine will be one of those Japanese maids that’s like, better than me in every way, but still does everything for her Gojujin-sama.”

“You want your android sex doll to be smarter than you?” Tom asked

“You don’t?”

“Hell no.”

“So, my girlfriend will be an asset and yours will be…a toaster oven?”

“Not what I said.”

“It kind of is.” Felix said, approaching the shallowest portion of buried metal, according to his HUD.

Felix wiped away some of the soil with his foot. The years had covered the hatch with a fine layer of detritus, and Felix had to put a little bit of effort into it, the roots clasping around the rusted hatch seemed illogically desperate to keep the thing sealed.

But, Felix was wearing a super suit, and tree roots didn’t get a say in whether or not they opened up the treasure trove.

“I just hope it’s not an empty box. The Spiral Twins got an empty box.” Tom muttered.

“I hear that,” Felix muttered.

A single raffle ticket had been a cool five mil, so the Spiral Twins had been seriously put out to get a successful drawing only for the location to be a dud, unfinished by the replicators before their shutdown.

But hey, that’s gambling for you.

“Hey, maybe it’s a Dreadnaught Hanger.” Felix said as he bent down and wiped off the remaining dirt, focusing on the hatch.

“Oooh, can you imagine us riding back to Washington on a hotwired Dreadnaught?” Tom asked before making explosion noises, pantomiming laser shots.

“That’d be pretty-“ Felix grunted as he jerked on the hatch. “Sweet. But how – DAMNIT!” Felix cursed as the handle snapped off, rusted through.

“Hey,” Tom tapped his brother on the shoulder as he glared down at the misbehaving metal.

“Eh?”

“Means it’s an older one, doesn’t it?” Tom asked, nodding down at the bunker under their feet. “Should have stuff in it.”

Felix felt a grin stretch across his face under the helmet.

“You know what? You’re actually right for once. This is a GREAT sign.”

“I know right!? Wait, for once!?”

Felix chuckled as his brother shoved him aside.

“Alright, you F-er,” Tom said, squaring his shoulders and aiming his hand at the hatch. A moment later, a laser popped out of the armor around his wrist.

“Watch and learn, bro.” Tom said as he began cutting.

“How are you gonna-”

“Oh crap, it’s slipping inward, grab the hinges!” Tom yelled.

“There areno hinges on the outside!” Felix yelled back as the door’s own weight wedged itself even tighter into the frame.

Tom and Felix stood, staring down at the heavy slab of steel blocking their path.

“Well, no problem that more lasers can’t solve,” Tom said, pantomiming rolling up his sleeves. Felix’s helmet hid his eye-roll.

Half an hour later, the last chunk begrudgingly fell aside, still holding on by an obstinate strip of steel that kept re-welding itself every time the laser came through, as if it were bound and determined to keep the brothers out.

“Freakin’-“ Felix grumbled as he stomped the chunk out, reveling in the sound of it clattering at the bottom of the ladder.

“Whoo!” They bro-clasped.

Clack!

Tom jumped down and Felix followed shortly behind, jumping into the darkness.

“Holy…forget a girlfriend…” Tom said, his headlights casting the riblike walls into stark relief, highlighting the pods that lined the room.

“We could make a whole army…” Felix breathed, scanning the room.

At the entrance was a computer, surrounded by an empty circle of metal flooring that looked like a heat-exchanger. Through the thin grate, they could make out more computer underneath, an almost organic shape that seemed to jut up through the floor.

The tip of the iceburg.

Around the central computer were android pods. Stretching in every direction, sized to make adult androids at a moment’s notice.

“Holy cow…” Tom muttered, approaching the computer.

“Dude, traps?” Felix asked.

“None, apparently.” Tom responded as the computer booted up at his touch.

“You’re such an idiot.” Felix muttered.

“Takes one to know one. Besides I’m wearing armor. Hey, it wants a password.”

“Try the site number?” Felix hazarded.

“Holy- that worked!” Tom exclaimed, his gauntleted fingers flying over the keyboard.

“Really!? That seems kind of…Well, I guess Washington did get the site numbers from a replicator data storage.”

“Dude…” Tom said.

“Yeah?”

“We have…the software.”

“No shit?” Neither of them actually thought they’d be making androids.

“Check this out,” Tom said, the keyboard clacking rapid-fire.

“Red-head, five ten, curvy, lighten up the hair just a little…” Tom said as he manipulated data with the speed and precision of a total nerd, an image taking shape on the monitor in front of them.

“Kinda looks like Wraith.” Felix noted.

Tom froze momentarily before shutting down the monitor.

“You know what, maybe the whole android girlfriend thing is a bad idea.” Tom said, the sheer guilt oozing through his armor.

“You want a dumbed-down version of Wraith to be your girlfriend?” Felix asked.

“Maybe we should explore,” Tom said, turning away from the monitor.

Felix made a strong note to tease him about it mercilessly later.

“Well, if you’re not gonna-“

PING!

Felix and Tom both froze as their Paradox Radar pinged them.

“The hell?” Tom whispered. Ever since they’d declared Paradox their nemesis, they’d put a lot of time and effort into identifying the specific wavelength that his creations shared, and making a radar that could help them home in on it.

Naturally this helped tremendously with scavenging Paradoxed materials after his battles, or avoiding being in the same place as him in general.

Paradox hadn’t caught them yet.

They were so damn good at this nemesis thing. Paradox probably spent bitter hours searching for them, but they were ghosts.

But now their radar was telling them that there were Paradoxed materials in this bunker.

This sealed bunker that didn’t seem to have been opened for at least as long as they’d been alive.

“Weird.” Tom grunted, looking into the distance. Even the powerful lights attached to his helmet couldn’t cut through the deep darkness that seemed to stretch on indefinitely.

“Well, it’s probably not him.” Felix said. “He’s in Chicago getting married to the smart version of your imaginary girlfriend next month.”

Could be a trap, though. Felix was deeply suspicious about the lack of response from the bunkers defences.

“I guess we should check it out onii-chan.” Tom shot back.

“I will end you.”

“Weeb.”

“Moron. Who wants a stupid girlfriend?”

“Who thinks Japanese uber-maids are a real thing?”

“Technically they are a real thing.”

“We’re stalling.”

“…Yup.”

Ping!

Felix took a deep, steadying breath as he stared into the darkness.

“That way. Let’s clear this whole place before we get carried away. Maybe we can figure out what the heck Paradox was doing here.

“I got the left,” Tom said, getting serious.

“I got right,” Felix said, deploying a drone to watch their backs.

They’d been doing this for five years, after all. They’d gotten a bit better at handling the more serious aspects of their chosen profession.

They began to creep down the seemingly infinite hall of metal birthing pods, the shadows cast by their headlamps shifting around them in a predatory way, seemingly tensing to pounce over and over as they passed by the identical rows of rounded metal.

There was no sound in the bunker, aside from Felix’s own muffled breathing.

Check to the right. Nothing.

Check to the right. Nothing.

Check the back-cam. Nothing.

Check to the right. Was that- just a shadow.

Check to the-

“HOLY SHIT!” Tom screamed directly into his earpiece.

Felix leapt backwards, grabbing Tom by the collar and assuming a defensive stance, weapons raised and knees bent.

“Hold on, it’s fine,” Tom said, peeling Felix’s hand from his armor and stepping back forward, peering around the row of birthing pods to point his headlamp at something.

Frowning, Felix stepped around the corner to see what had spooked his brother.

“Holy shit.” Felix muttered, echoing his brother.

On the floor in the center of the row was a mummified corpse. Naked, partially curled up in place, a brownish discoloration around him: Ancient blood.

“I think I found the pod it came out of.” Tom said, following a trail of dried slime to a severely broken pod with his headlight.

“It doesn’t have a mouth. Why doesn’t it have a mouth?” Felix said, bending closer to study the dead body.

“Ejected failure?” Tom asked.

“Maybe, but what would cause a failure like that to get this far? I’m sure Professor Replica’s stuff could recycle ingredients way before it got this ba- it’s chest is gone.”

“Wha?” Tom asked, leaning over Felix’s shoulder.

Felix grabbed the brittle corpse’s shoulder and lifted, revealing the empty chest cavity to his brother. The entire body was stiff, causing the whole thing to move as a single piece, rolling off its flattened side.

It was eerily light.

The chest had been torn open from the inside, the rib bones bent and broken, splayed outward.

“That’s…really weird,” Tom said, taking Felix’s spot as Felix stepped away to get his stomach under control. “Hey this guy didn’t have any lungs.”

“That’s…weird,” Felix said, frowning as he noticed a bit of grime on the top of one of the nearby pods. Felix glanced up and froze.

“Hey Tom?”

“Yeah?” Tom asked, not looking away from the mummified corpse he was inspecting.

“I think I figured out what happened to the defenses.” Felix said, pointing up at the ceiling.

The defensive turrets were partially melted, partially covered in long-since dried up muck with a sort of…metallic sheen, giving the ceiling an organic look to it.

“Hold on, turn off your light.” Tom said.

“Eh?” Felix grunted.

“Just do it.”

Felix turned off his light, plunging them into complete darkness.

Well…almost complete.

There was the faintest hint of sunlight filtering down through a small hole hidden in the rounded housing of a defensive turret.

“Well, whatever it was isn’t here anymore,” Felix said with a shrug.

“Good enough for me,” Tom said, nodding.

“Should we tell Paradox about this?” Tom asked.

“Nah, man, he’s our nemesis…right?”

“Right.”

“We’re gonna take home the corpse to study though, right?”

“Right.”

Felix checked his radar. The corpse was radiating P-energy, so they could probably use it to reverse engineer some more cool stuff.