10 Signs it's Probably Going Well (Patreon)

Good morning!

I hope that your weekend is going great. And if it’s not, I hope you’re still able to find a few bright spots of relaxation wherever you can.

Let’s talk about green flags today. This could be with newer people, when you're just getting to know them, or maybe your relationship with a long term partner is evolving. Can we seek out the traits we want, not just play defense for the ones we don’t? Can we look for, and celebrate, the good news?

One person’s kink is another’s turn-off, but it can still be helpful to keep in mind what general traits we value in the people we bring close. Green flags vary a lot by person and culture, and can be pretty role-dependent (a casual hookup usually needs different things than a domestic partnership, etc). But here are 10 of my biggest green flags, in no particular order:

1. Active listening. How many of us kept bad listeners around for too long? (Guilty.) It’s not a lot to ask, but it can be hard to find. Basically, do they sincerely give a shit about what we have to say? Do they take us seriously, remember what matters, and rarely make us repeat ourselves?
    
2. Respect for autonomy. Do they encourage us to find out who we are, independently of them? Do they challenge possessive or controlling impulses, especially their own?
    
3. Good faith pushback. We don’t want someone combative who just likes to argue, but we do need people to challenge us. For me, if I know they’ll speak up when something’s wrong, I tend to relax a bit more. There’s no need to stress about what their text meant, or their lack of text, their facial expression or tone of voice. If they have something to say, they’ll just say it.
    
4. Clarity on their own situation. Clarity doesn’t have to mean certainty. People can feel ambivalent or in limbo, and still say it clearly. Basically, can they describe what they have bandwidth for, what their calendar looks like, how their other relationships currently operate? Can they manage our expectations for the present moment?
    
5. Levity. Not every connection is light hearted all the time, so, the importance of this one can fluctuate. But a relationship filled with a lot of shared laughter is a big one for me, even during periods of conflict, grief, or processing trauma. It usually means we understand each other, and can help each other feel at ease.
    
6. Proactivity. Do they bring up relevant things without us pulling it out of them? Do they try to think ahead about potential misunderstandings, and preempt them, just in case? Even in little ways, like, “hey, I’m really tired today. Just a heads up that I might be lower energy on our date, but please know that it’s not because of you.” A bit of thoughtfulness and proactivity can build a sense of security.
    
7. Celebrating together. If we’re excited about something, do we look forward to telling them? Do they like and interact with our work, our ideas, our weekend anecdotes? Even if it’s not an interest or area of knowledge they share, do they still want to know because they love us? Not all connections need regularity with this, but if someone is able to put themselves aside and bask in our glow, it says a lot to me about their ability to collaborate and de-center themselves.
    
8. Consistent mutual effort. This one can creep up on us. It’s easy to keep pace during the early swoon stage, but once we find a tempo that works long-term, is there still reciprocity? Whether that means more dates, more sexual exploration, more therapeutic work to resolve conflicts, is there still mutual desire and balanced labor between us?
    
9. They respect our time. It’s another one that’s simple, but not always easy. Do they show up when and how they agree to? Are they grateful for our energy, never acting entitled? At a larger scale, do they respect the things we want to prioritize? e.g. If we want to find a co-parenting partner in the next few years, but they realize it’s not something they want, do they tell us right away? With short- and long-term planning, we need people on board who appreciate and want to value our time.
    
10. Consent and safety are priorities in all areas of life. Do they ask their baby nephew if it’s ok to give a hug? Do they pay attention if their dog is clearly not wanting to play? If they want to charge something to the company credit card, do they ping their team to make sure it’s ok? Consent around sex and STI health is really important. We also don’t have to wait until we’re intimate to understand how they approach getting what they want, especially when they’re in a position of power.

A partner and I collaborated on this one, which was cool to see the green flags we reflected in each other. It’s fun when we can focus on building and creating, not just fixing or protecting.

What other green flags come to mind for you? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below, or feel free to DM me with ideas for future posts. I already have a few submissions in the queue, so stay tuned for more patron-requested videos coming up!

I hope you have a lovely week!

Warmly

Morgan