Time to Move on? 40 Questions to Ask (Patreon)

Good morning!

I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Today’s resource is text only, as I think it’s a better format for this kind of exercise.

A common question I get is, “how do we know when it’s time to move on from a relationship?” Especially in non-monogamy, it can be easy to think we have to find a way to keep people in our lives. But, while restructuring can feel really great, sometimes there’s just a lack of desire to do it. Even if no one did anything wrong, even if there wasn’t some big rupture, disinterest is enough of a reason to end things.

I’ve thought a lot about all the relationships I’ve ended in various ways. Some were peaceful, others messy. But how did I know when it was time? So, I’ve developed a list of questions based on those reflections, which hopefully can be of service. As always, I’m not a therapist and these aren’t diagnostic. I can only suggest prompts and you decide what you do with the answers, but maybe they’ll be helpful in finding clarity.

Here are 40 questions we can ask ourselves when deciding whether to stay or go. Not all of these will apply to every situation, so skip anything that feels irrelevant to you.

1. Do we agree on the foundational structure of this relationship? (e.g. peers or superior / subordinate, monogamy or non-monogamy, sexual or non-sexual, etc.)
2. Do we share core values (and act accordingly)?
3. Do we trust each other?
4. Am I satisfied with their communication skills? / vice versa
5. Am I satisfied with the types of interactions we have? (If no, are alternatives possible and mutually desired?)
6. Am I satisfied with the pace of interactions? (If no, is a faster / slower pace possible and mutually desired?)
7. Does effort, expense or emotional labor ever feel imbalanced? (If yes, does addressing it change anything?)
8. Do their actions match their words?
9. Am I asking for anything that they seem unwilling or unable give?
10. Do they ask for anything that I can’t or don’t want to give?
11. Do we treat each other with dignity?
12. Does it feel like they hear me and reflect that in their actions? / vice versa
13. Is there consistent reciprocity between us?
14. Do we both try to repair after harm caused, and try to make it right?
15. Does feeding this relationship ever seem like a chore?
16. If applicable - do I feel comfortable with how we, in this dynamic, are treating other people?
17. Is it possible to say my needs to them without an argument? / vice versa
18. Am I ever hiding, shrinking or betraying my own bounds to avoid conflict? / vice versa
19. Am I ever pent up, angry, or find myself lashing out at them? / vice versa
20. Are there any resentments between us?
21. Am I satisfied with both our conflict resolution skills?
22. Am I / are we stressed about the relationship more often than we’re relaxed? (If yes, is it a short or long term experience?)
23. When speaking to people I feel safe with, do I omit anything about the behaviors of this person, myself, or us together?
24. Do conflicts feel like we’re on the same team, or are we more like enemies trying to win against the other?
25. Do conflicts ever feel circular or repetitive, like we’re not making progress?
26. Do we agree on what progress looks like?
27. If it’s appropriate to discuss long term plans, do both our visions seem compatible? (If yes, do we agree on how / when to build toward it?)
28. Am I staying because of how they currently act, or am I more focused on how they used to act / could act in the future?
29. Do the optics of this relationship “look bad”? (i.e. if I saw another pair or group behaving like this, what might I think?)
30. Does this relationship often remind me of painful or traumatic memories?
31. Are one or more of us experiencing frequent trauma responses in reaction to each other? (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop…)
32. If there’s access to therapy, mental health services, peer chats or other mediation resources, are both / all of us eager to seek out support?
33. Am I escaping more often into my vices? (e.g. substances, workaholism, disordered food or exercise routines, etc.)
34. Do they use vices more often than they used to?
35. Do actions ever feel like there’s a goal of manipulating, deflecting, or controlling someone?
36. When reading about signs of an abusive relationship, do I relate to any of them?
37. Even if it’s not abusive, does anyone in my life (whose opinion on relationships I trust) express concern?
38. Do I ever feel relief at the idea of not being in this dynamic anymore?
39. If nothing changes, how long would I want to keep doing this?
40. If I decide to leave, do I have clarity on the steps to do so safely and with support?

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As I said at the top, not all of these will apply to every situation. I ran through them with so many different breakups in mind – partners, friends, family members… Sometimes there’s an impulse to cut-and-run, or react swiftly and block the person. That can be a valid response sometimes, but I do think questions like these can help us just slow down, to be more sure of what we want and the best way to do it. And if the inverse reaction happens, where we tend to stay despite constantly feeling unhappy, maybe this can kickstart a change.

Only you will know if / when you’re ready to end or restructure it, and why. But hopefully some of these prompts can help in that process.

Have a beautiful week, and I’ll see you next Sunday!

Hugs,
Morgan