Digital Boundaries, Part 2 - Exes, Metas, and Crushes (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

I’m continuing the series on digital boundaries today. If you missed Part 1, you can see it here. Today, I’ll explore setting bounds with exes (if we still interact), metamours (if we know them), and crushes.

I’m focusing on people with whom we’re both somewhat close and somewhat distant. It won’t apply to everyone. Maybe you're still good friends with an ex, or you’re dating one of your metas, or you’re crushing on a person you’ve worked with for 10 years. All of those intersecting relationalities could need different bounds. So as always, only engage with what resonates for your situation.

I'll make a caveat and content warning up front about abuse. If we realize an ex (or soon-to-be ex) is an abuser, we might want to protect our accounts from them as soon as we can. If that's not possible, we can turn to trusted friends, professionals and organizations that help survivors. We don’t have to find the answers alone.

If we realize a metamour is abusive, we can likewise encourage our partner to take their own digital safety measures. If they won’t or can’t, we can at least set firmer bounds for ourselves and what we share. Unfortunately, we can’t make our partner pursue, or even want, a safer situation. 

The rest of this post will assume no one’s digitally compromised by a hostile third party.

What points of tension exist, if any?

We may need limits on certain info / images. e.g. If we thought our partner would challenge hierarchy, but in practice they do have a primary, it can hurt. In that case, maybe we don’t want to scroll and see how happy that meta is right now.

Basically, what stressors exist? Do they feel like short term aches or long term needs? This can inform the kind of bounds we set.

What is too much information?

The answer to this can change, especially during conflict or while grieving a loss. e.g. Would it feel fine to still watch an ex’s TikToks, but feel wrong to stay in the FetLife group where they discuss their sex life? 

What kind of info might we receive (or share) that could upset someone involved?

What platforms feel appropriate?

This can be fluid, too. With exes, do any platforms need distance now? Maybe IG is fine but Snap is too intimate, etc.

For lesser-known metas or new crushes, maybe we want to get to know them. But how much do we want them to see about us online before the IRL connection grows? I usually wait until I’m very relaxed around them in person, before adding them to IG Close Friends or as TikTok mutuals, etc. But that's just me. Of course, we don’t have to get to know them, or even meet them at all.

And for metas or exes with whom we’re close, are there still digital spaces that would be awkward for them to join? It can help to proactively think about these things before jumping in.

Politics of liking, sharing and following

A public Like or Share can sometimes raise questions. Timing plays a factor, too. If an ex likes our vacation picture right after posting, maybe that’s a sign of no hard feelings. But if they like it at 3AM, does it mean they can’t sleep because they miss us so much?

Or, maybe we just had an argument with a metamour, and then they share a meme about how some people are too sensitive. Are they being passive aggressive, or does it have nothing to do with us? (I usually recommend asking clarifying questions in these moments, so we don’t walk away with the wrong story in our head.)

A public Follow can also be loaded sometimes. If a meta follows us right after a nice chat, it could bring us closer. But if we know they’re in conflict with our shared partner, and now suddenly they’re following us, what does that mean? Why now are we on their mind?

Even if it’s not that deep, we can still think about how a Like, Share or Follow may be received. When in doubt, we can double check the meaning (or lack thereof) directly.

Politics of unfollowing or blocking

For unfollowing or blocking, it can feel kind of final. 

If we definitely want to do those things, but don’t want finality, we can always give them a heads up. I did this recently with a person who still dates my ex. She’s sweet, and I’m not ruling out a relationship with her. But I blocked my ex, and don’t want to see him on her account either. So I DM’ed her that I would temporarily unfollow, that she did nothing wrong, it’s just about healing from the breakup. This allowed me to take distance and keep the door open to reconnect with her later.

It doesn’t have to be a binary choice, either. If we broke up amicably, so don’t want to unfollow, maybe we just mute their IG posts instead. Likewise, if we want to be less visible to them, we can hide our IG Stories from their homepage. Most platforms have subtle options we can quietly turn on and off, as needed.

Changes of public visibility

Any change in public display of a relationship could imply a change in how we feel about the person.

For example, if we enter a relationship with someone who isn’t out, maybe we accept from the jump that our meta will be the only one in their public posts. It can be sad, but we understand why. However, if now suddenly their new girlfriend gets included sometimes, what the hell does that mean? Why are we still hidden, but she’s not?

Likewise with an ex, maybe we broke up in a peaceful way. But then they immediately deleted all traces of us from their profile. Does it mean the breakup actually wasn’t peaceful? Do they want to erase us and shut us out? For any big change, I try to discuss intent directly.

Changes of availability or frequency

Availability fluctuates for a lot of reasons, but it can be stressful to not know why.

e.g. If our ex takes a week to respond now, after years of rapid replies, maybe we check in to see if they need more space from us than we originally thought. Or, if our crush used to reply to every Story with a fire emoji, and comment on every video, should we be worried that they suddenly stopped?

I'm risking redundancy here, but can we just ask them about it? Or if we don’t want to be so direct, we can alter our availability, or mirror their new frequency. But indirect reactions can also be misunderstood, and those changes might not even be necessary.

Ex or Metamour account access

Close emotional ties can bring lax security measures. I’ll reference the caveat up top about abuse. If we realize an ex or meta is abusive, then protecting our privacy could be an urgent priority.

But even if everyone is acting in good faith, it can still feel tense for an ex or meta to have account access. I went into this in Part 1, how our partners need to set their own boundaries. But, if we don’t trust the hinge to self advocate, and a meta can see our texts and photos, maybe we hold back on what we share moving forward. It’s possible to set our own bounds, even if we don’t trust a partner to do the same.

There’s also the question of, “what if they break up?” How long will our former meta still have access? Maybe we trusted them before, but the break up was messy so now we're worried. I think it’s reasonable to ask our partner to delete any of our data in their emails, DMs, iCloud, etc.

What about our own breakups? Even if we trust our ex, maybe we want to change all the log-in info, just in case. But if that’s not possible because we still share a bank account, for instance, we can talk to experienced friends and professionals on the safest next steps.

Continued digital consent

I’ll reference again the caveat up top. Abusers sometimes withdraw money, doxx their ex, or post revenge porn. Severe violations of consent need more dramatic solutions. It may be necessary to contact a lawyer or even get a restraining order with language that extends to digital spaces. If you find yourself in this position, please contact local professionals who can guide you on your options.

With that said, even well-meaning people can violate digital consent, ourselves included.

For example, we can be eager to flirt with a crush, and send eggplant or peach emojis. But are they in the same place with their attraction to us? Would it be cute or make them uncomfortable?

We could be in a group chat with the whole polycule, aware that a meta is sensitive to our NRE with the shared partner. Do we adjust how much we shower the partner with love there, if we know our meta gets those same notifications? I try to consider what I’d do in offline spaces, and mirror that as much as possible in digital ones.

For a higher risk example, let’s say a former partner took kinky photos of us. Maybe we consented to them sharing it on their IG page before. But after the breakup, it’s jarring to see them post another one. It’s absolutely ok to need a new ask for consent on the same issue, especially when the nature of the relationship changed.

–

Like all boundary conversations, we can revisit, clarify and renegotiate them at any point. Maybe we have an idea of how a good option will look, but in practice it feels weird or has unexpected downsides. Let’s stay open to conversation, and keep consent as top priority.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

xx

Morgan