How I'm Unpacking Repressed Anger - Part II (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Continuing today on the topic of repressed anger, I'll share a bit more about the practical tools that I'm using to work on it. 

These are tools that fit me in my current stage of trauma recovery, and I'm using them in conjunction with regular therapy and daily mental health medications. This is not prescriptive, nor is it comprehensive, as I imagine different strategies will suit different people. But since this space includes sharing my own processes in real time, I hope it may be of service if you also struggle with knowing when you're angry, or knowing how to express it.

For a recap of Part I, click here.

Part II: Ways I Access My Anger (Early Stages)

I still struggle with dissociation and panic attacks in lieu of feeling mad, so this may be a multi part series as I continue to peel back the layers of this onion. At this earlier stage of confronting repressed anger, these are the tools that currently help. 

Telling Other People My Signals

It really helps to have the people closest to me know what the symptoms of my anger look like. That way, when I cry about injustice, I have the support of a partner who asks me, "could you also be angry, too?" 

This not only prompts me to reflect about potential rage in real time, it also reminds me that I have a supportive environment in which to feel mad, which is relatively new for me.

Acknowledging That Anger Would Be Reasonable

Sometimes when I struggle to feel mad, I can only access feelings like "sad", "confused" or "scared". But, I can at least intellectually understand that it's a situation in which a person would normally be mad. 

That is increasingly a tool that helps me connect the dots, especially if it is related to nausea, panic attacks, angst in the body or some other restlessness. The more I recognize anger as a normal response in those moments, the easier (gradually) it is to feel my own.

Asking Why I Feel Mad on Someone Else's Behalf

It can be easier to get outraged or rise to action when I see injustice happening to someone else. And I think that's one of the most useful applications of anger: seeking justice. Few people would socially stigmatize getting angry to protect a victim, so that could be why it's a little easier to reach. (The same applies to watching media in which the villain infuriates me. If everyone agrees that character is evil, it feels socially safe to be outwardly mad at them.)

But why do I get so upset by some situations, and not as upset by others? Why do I want to vehemently defend a young queer person from a narcissistic family member, but I can calmly express disapproval and even offer education in other situations? Basically: when am I destabilized by someone else's story, and what might that say about my own? 

Connecting those dots (like, "oh duh, this person reminds me of my mom and the victim reminds me of myself") gives helpful insight that I can take to my next therapy session. It doesn't matter that I've talked about it a thousand times already. If I clearly still get worked up thinking about parallel scenarios, there's more to discuss.

Noticing Cursing and Sarcasm

This one's pretty straightforward: do I have more edge in my words and actions? Am I saying "fuck" more than I usually do, am I exercising very hard, are my jokes darker than normal? If yes, I might have anger trying to eek out like steam from a kettle. 

This is another area where trusted friends and partners can help me spot suppressed or repressed emotions. My work here is to not get defensive when they push back on me, and instead inquire if there may be something underneath this behavioral shift.

Going Through the Motions

Lately, I've been taking these clues that anger might exist, and starting a physical expression of rage before I really feel like I need to. If I know intellectually that I'm probably upset, I might start groaning or growling into a pillow. 9 out of 10 times, it eventually ramps up into some guttural yelling or cursing at someone / something specific. The same goes for higher impact exercises like punching or kicking soft targets. 

If that's not possible, I'll write out a free-form rant in my notes about everything that could be pissing me off. If I have privacy, maybe I'll speak into my voice recorder instead. Just starting to speak or write can help pull at the threads of the anger. Often, one of them will give, and I'll just get into a flow of unraveling part of it.

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Those are the biggest tools serving me at the moment. Community support and therapeutic spaces are invaluable. A big reason I unconsciously suppress anger is because my brain literally formed in an environment where I was not allowed to express "ugly" emotions, or self-advocate in any way. 

Suppression was a survival skill in that home, but it no longer serves me. In fact, it often wears me down and harms the relationships I have today that are safe and secure. That's why continued work on it is so vital to my overall satisfaction in love and in life.

I imagine more will be revealed, so I'll share that too as it becomes clearer. I'm grateful for this space to share what I'm learning in real time, and to be a work in progress while also (hopefully) being of service.

I welcome your input and personal stories.

With love,
Morgan