How I Answer Ignorant Friends' & Family's Questions (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

We're deep in the holiday season now, and that often comes with obligatory social interactions. Whether it's visiting our home town, spending time with family of origin, or attending a work party, we're faced with a higher volume of people who don't understand us.

Of course, we don't owe transparency to anyone. If they haven't earned our trust, we don't have to be out, let alone entertain probing questions. 

However, if you are out, and have the energy to talk to people about your personal life, this resource is for you. (Note: This is primarily focused on the topic of polyamory, though the same approach can be applied to any intimate topic.)

Below is a sampling of ignorant comments or questions I've received over the years. My answers range from light-hearted to stern, depending on a few factors. I hope these examples can be of service to you.

Who: Family Friend
Tone of Relationship: Non Existent / First Meeting
Him: "Wait, but like, isn't that a huge STI risk?"
Me: "If you're really interested, you could google 'do polyamorous people get STIs more frequently than monogamous people?' The answer is no, and there are are studies that can explain it much better than me."
Context: Yes, the first time I met a friend of the family, he asked me about STIs. Uninterested in providing this dude with free education and labor, I gave him a term to google, and moved on.

Who: Former Classmate
Tone of Relationship: Cordial, Distant
Her: "But isn't polyamory just cheating with extra steps?"
Me: "Nope. How curious are you? I could explain it, but don't want to launch into a whole thing if it doesn't really interest you."
Context: Being publicly out, I get faced with a lot of... let's say, forward questions from people I barely know. They project their moral hangups or past traumas onto me. They assume a lot. It seems like the less I know a person, the more blunt and loud they are. So, I first assess how much energy I have to even engage. If I'm exhausted, I might just say "nope" and let her stay confused. But that night, I did have time and willingness to talk about it. Before expending that precious energy, though, I checked to see if it would even be fruitful. I don't want to educate someone who's not actually looking to learn.

Who: Coworker
Tone of Relationship: Friendly, Flirtatious
Him: "I want you to meet my fiancé. She and I have been looking for a girlfriend."
Me: "Are you asking me to interview for the job? Because I'm not trying to be your unicorn."
Context: He and I were flirtatious at first. But, like most unicorn hunters, he assumed I would automatically be attracted to his partner just because I'm bisexual. I was not interested in this, and gradually shifted to a more distant dynamic with firmer boundaries. He was cute, sure. But in that moment, he demonstrated how little he knew about me, and how many assumptions he hadn't yet unpacked.

Who: Former Boss
Tone of Relationship: Jovial, Paternal
Him: "Why do you shave your head like that? You're so pretty when you look girly."
Me: "Well, I am a girl. So, isn't everything I do 'girly' by definition?"
Context: After leaving a long-term position to start my own business, I joined my former work protégé as her +1 to a holiday party. This boss was always very warm and generous to me, paying me fairly and giving me paid time off whenever I wanted it. He was also in his 70's and had regressive views about gender. Since he had a track record of being good to me, and was no longer in a position of power over me, I felt comfortable clapping back in a playful way. There was no expectation to change his views. I just wanted to set a gentle boundary, then carry on with the festivities.

Who: Acquaintance
Tone of Relationship: Friendly
Her: "So, which one is your real partner?"
Me: "What does 'real' mean?"
Context: At a brunch with friends and acquaintances, someone tossed this banger my way. I absolutely love answering questions with questions. I maintain a sincere and non-judgmental demeanor. But instead of jumping through hoops to prove myself to them, I flip it and ask them to explain themselves to me. 

Who: Close Friend
Tone of Relationship: Caring, Intimate
Them: "What if they fall in love with someone else, though? I'm really worried that you're gonna get hurt by this."
Me: "It's ok if they love other people. It doesn't mean they're going to abandon me or hurt me. Those things don't have to go hand-in-hand."
Context: One of my closest friends said this in the early days of my non-monogamy. They carried some ignorant biases, and made some wrong assumptions, but the overall intent was a loving one. So, I was happy to offer some clarification with a reciprocal, loving tone.

Who: Mom
Tone of Relationship: Tense, Abusive
Her: "How can you post about this sick lifestyle for the entire world to see? Don't you know how embarrassing that is to me? Do you have no morals?"
Me: "It's not ok to speak with me this way. Please apologize and don't do it again, or I won't be coming over for Christmas."
Context: At this point in my relationship with my narcissistic mom, I am essentially setting boundaries with a mean-girl teenager. My therapist helped me understand her as a person so traumatized by her own adolescence, that she basically never matured beyond that point. So, I released all expectation for her to be maternal, supportive or even kind. My responses to her now are very formal, clear, and firm. I don't attack her back. I don't fawn or try to win her approval. I just say the terms of treatment that I expect. If she doesn't abide, these are the consequences. It's been incredibly healing for me, despite her inability to rise to the occasion. 

Who: Ex Boyfriend
Tone of Relationship: Distant, Non-Existent
Him: "You got married? So much for being non-hierarchical."
Me: [BLOCK]
Context: This was the partner with whom I started polyamory. He also cheated on me a lot. I left him around 5 years ago, and decided not to keep any contact. He tried calling me 2 years ago to make amends, but completely botched it. He just felt sorry for himself and blamed me the whole time — while interrupting my vacation in the mountains, I might add. He then posed this antagonistic question / statement. While the sincere answer to the question was, "Marriage doesn't mean hierarchy, but either way, we did it for a visa," I didn't owe him that. He hadn't earned that. For many reasons, I blocked him everywhere. He still comes around sometimes (he even attempted to join this Patreon last week! ... Max, if you're lurking on here with a dummy account, please leave) but I continue to keep zero contact, and in doing so, I keep my peace.

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I could probably write a book about all the ignorant things I've heard over the years. But I hope this sampling can offer some insight into the various ways we can respond, depending on who the person is, what their intentions are, and how much energy we're willing to offer.

Wishing you strength as you finish out 2021. I'm grateful for you!

Warmly,
Morgan