Exercise: Jealous Reaction Check-In (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

I hope your weekend is going well. This week, after speaking with a lot of people about varying jealous experiences, I decided to put together this quick exercise for you all.

It's intended as a check-in of your mental and emotional experiences around these reactions. This is neither diagnostic nor prescriptive, but rather a conversation starter for you. I hope it serves.

1. Name It

I find it helpful to get more specific, as the word "jealous" can mean a wide range of things.

- Fear of Potential Instability or Loss

- Anger at Instability

- Grief of Loss

- Fear of Potential Rejection or Being Replaced

- Anger at Tangible Deprioritization or Restructuring

- Grief about Rejection or Restructuring

- Fear of Inadequacy or Comparison

- Anger at Explicit Comparison or Insults

- Fear of Missing Out / Envy

- Shame about Internally Perceived Deficiencies

- Shame about External Position or Level of Ability

- OTHER / Fear, Anger, Shame or Grief about Something Else

These aren't mutually exclusive. A single jealous reaction can include a dozen emotions within it. 

I think it's also helpful to recognize that we may perceive something as a tangible insult or rejection etc., but it can help to clarify if that's what's actually happening, or what we're projecting on to the situation. If you fear your partner might be gaslighting you about your experience, check in with a trusted third party.

I didn't include the territorial "mine" reaction, because I consider that to be a knee-jerk response and not an emotion in and of itself. Usually, that reaction is because of a deeper emotion, like the ones listed above.

2. Discuss It

If you feel secure discussing it directly with your partner(s), and you're confident in everyone's abilities to navigate that together successfully, then go for it. Otherwise, it might be helpful to process these emotions with unbiased third parties before unpacking it with our loved ones.

- If unsure about the root emotions, it's ok to still bring it up (in my opinion).

e.g. "I know I'm having a jealous reaction, but I'm not sure why. Is it cool if I process it out loud with you?"

- Use non-violent "I" statements about our emotions or interpretations of events.

e.g. "When I hear about your date, I feel sad, scared and sick."

e.g. "When you canceled our time together and spent time with them instead, my brain told me I was being replaced."

e.g. "Knowing that you enjoy sex with them, but you and I are struggling with sex, makes me feel ashamed about what I can offer you. I compare myself to them, and I feel angry at you for gushing about how great they are."

- Acknowledge our own baggage that may be turning up the volume on this experience.

e.g. "People have teased me for my appearance my whole life, and your new partner embodies the beauty ideal."

e.g. "When they didn't invite me to the party, it reminded me of childhood rejections."

e.g. "My own sexual shames and traumas make me feel inadequate compared to your other partners, who don't struggle with these obstacles."

- Acknowledge the care (whether attempted or effective) that our partners offered us.

e.g. "Thank you for not being explicit about the details of your date. That made my reaction less intense this time."

e.g. "I know you were trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate that. But the impact was that I actually started feeling much worse."

e.g. "I feel so angry and scared. You did nothing wrong, and I know intellectually you're not leaving me. But I can't shake this emotional reaction right now."

- Establish a desire to develop a care plan, if needed.

e.g. "Are you open to working with me on ways we can both have our needs better met?"

3. Propose a Potential Care Plan, if needed

Even if a jealous reaction is 95% our internal baggage, we don't exist in a vacuum. Most of the time, there are at least some ways that our partners can be sensitive to our sore spots as we continue to do our own work on ourselves.

Propose our best idea(s) for our own care, moving forward. (I say "propose", rather than "demand" because this will ideally be a collaborative conversation and not an ultimatum.)

e.g. "I think I need to hear fewer anecdotes about them for a while. Does that work for you?"

e.g. "I wonder if I'd feel better about our sex life if we were more intentional and proactive about trying. What do you think about that?"

Note: These should be ideas about how they can care for us, NOT an attempt to dictate their actions with another person. I find the former to be vulnerable, while the latter is more controlling (and usually unenforceable anyway).

If they get angry, defensive, accusatory, or any other unproductive reaction in response to our request, there may be a need for an unbiased third party to support conflict resolution.

If they are open to create care plans with us, but disagree with our first idea, they would then ideally offer a counter idea. We need to do our best to receive their counter ideas in the same way we want our ideas received. We can disagree, of course, and continue collaborating. But if we blow up at them, it has now become an unproductive conversation, and might warrant the need of outside support.

4. Enact Care Plan, Check In on Progress

The key word here is "enact." If we agree on a care plan with our partner(s), but they don't do what they promised, it'll only exacerbate our feeling of being unsafe. We can of course offer each other grace around missteps or mistakes, but patterns don't lie. If we're with a partner who routinely fails to offer us care, well that's very important information.

If everyone is acting in good faith, but we're still feeling uneasy, that's where the "check in on progress" happens. There's a lot of trial and error in care plans. We often don't know what would help us feel more secure, so it's tough to know what to ask. That's why a proposition of trying something for 1 week or 1 month can feel more manageable, and then we plan to touch base and compare notes. Does it feel better? Does it feel worse? Is it the same, but it feels more tolerable now?

During these check-ins, even if we feel worse, it can be helpful to acknowledge the attempts our partner made. e.g. "Well I thought I'd feel less scared if I just met them and demystified the whole thing, but I actually feel worse being around them. So, maybe I step back from that for a while. But, you also did what you promised, and I'm grateful for that. I see you trying to support me around this, and I appreciate it."

5. If All Else Fails, Seek More External Support

If things just aren't feeling better, not even a little, that's when it can help to expand the support network a bit. 

If it's accessible, perhaps there's more mental health support options that could help one or more people involved. Or, you could chat with a coach or peer support specialist around the topic of concern. 

Otherwise, you could go to meet-ups with likeminded people, and foster more platonic friendships in the community. There may be books and podcasts that dive deeper into the specific issue, and you can gather more resources that way. 

I guarantee you, whatever you're experiencing, you are not alone. And if you keep hitting walls, you don't need to be alone in finding solutions.

I hope this may be of service for you. Feel free to add more suggestions in the comments, or add another perspective that I perhaps missed.

Have a lovely day and I'll chat with you soon!

xx

Morgan