Case Study: When Compersion Comes and Goes (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

Let's talk about compersion today, and how it's not always accessible. 

If it's a new term to you, compersion is when you feel happiness for a partner about their other relationship(s). It's sometimes called the "opposite of jealousy", though that's not a perfect description.

In my experience, compersion is not a fixed destination. It's an emotion that may be fluid and temporary, not unlike feelings of jealousy. It's not an indicator of how healed you are, how "good" at polyamory you are, how strong your relationships are. And, the absence of compersion doesn't mean something's necessarily wrong.

I'll share a case study from my life recently, to illustrate. I hope it may be of service.

First, some context: my nesting partner is seeing two other people right now. I'm generally feeling happy for him that he's being social, feeling confident, and dating for the first time in a while. 

We've also navigated some tender feelings on my part, when he started having sleepovers at our home. I'm grateful to feel much more secure around that now, too.

Last week, I felt a lot of compersion. He went out with his girlfriend on an open-ended date that wound up being 10 hours. I drew a bath for myself, ordered takeout and made some cocktails. It was so nice to have the place to myself all day, and I love that he found a connection where they could lose track of time together. 

He was glowing when he came back, cooked a great dinner for me, then gave me a massage. I think I actually said, "this is the life" at one point, like in a movie.

This week has been rougher.

Our 2 year wedding anniversary was yesterday, and we had a beautiful day together. But it's bittersweet, because my mother still doesn't know we got married. Even though it was just a courthouse ceremony to get a visa, it still hurts that I don't feel safe to share it with her.

Also, it's both my father's and my brother's birthday today, which are pain points for me. My father died in 2016, so that's usually an ache this time of year. And my brother's situation is... complicated. He is severely schizophrenic and unable to live alone. He lives with my mother, and she won't let him have his own phone. Long story short, if I want to reach out to talk to him, I need to call her. It's stressful.

Compound this with some exhaustion around work, and I'm feeling just very raw and sensitive this week.

So, my NP went on his scheduled dates. But I didn't feel happy for him, not even a little. 

He reconfirmed that one of the dates would probably end in sex for the first time with this new person. That's a pretty standard check in for us around escalations. I said, "ok, have fun." I omitted my tension and sadness. Around 5 minutes after he left, I called to correct myself.

I told him that I actually was feeling some frustration and neediness. Knowing he was having sex with this person instead of comforting me was a bit painful. I didn't want to be thinking these things, but I was. The only intention in sharing it was for him to know where I'm at. This was in no way a request for him to cancel his date, to not have sex on his date, or to change his behavior in any way. And, I'm really grateful that he has strong boundaries. He would never drop his other partner just because I have uncomfortable feelings, which makes me feel safe to tell him these things.

The existence of my pain doesn't mean I'm entitled to emotional support from this partner in this exact moment. That's a subtle part of toxic monogamy culture that doesn't get addressed enough, in my opinion.

So, I briefly corrected my check-in to make it more accurate, then got off the phone. I reached out to my support system to hold space for me instead, and processed everything with them. This is why it's so important to have more than just our partners to rely on during tough times.

Upon processing everything and crying it out, I turned to some self-soothing rituals that always feel restorative. 

When he got back from the date, I was in a better spot, but still feeling a bit distant. I reassured him that I'm not wanting to punish him, and he did nothing wrong. I just might need to wait a bit before we touch or discuss his date. Pulling inward is something I do sometimes, and it helps to vocalize why it's happening.

Before long, I was relaxing a bit more. We agreed to process my emotions before we discussed his date. That felt very loving, and it helped me warm up.

The absence of compersion wasn't a flaw in me, nor an indictment of his actions. It was just information about where I was last week. Next week, it will probably change again. 

We need to share all of our feelings with our partners. We can't judge ourselves, or think we're "bad" at polyamory when we don't feel compersion. Hell, I still get actively jealous from time to time. And sometimes, I feel both of those things simultaneously. 

Speaking about it takes the power out of it. Conversation with our partners gives them the opportunity to see us, to be gentle with us when we need gentleness, and perhaps to step up more, if that's what needs to happen. But the bottom line is that it's ok to be not ok.

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Anyway, those are my musings on compersion today. I hope they might offer you a sense of solidarity if you also fluctuate in how you feel it.

I hope you have a beautiful week!

With love,

Morgan