5 Questions to Ask When Planning the Holidays (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Lots of you are planning the holidays right now, so let's talk about it. As we all know, it can be tricky to plan big events when multiple people hold a special place in your life.

Here are a few considerations I make each year when planning significant gatherings. Hopefully, it can be of service to you.

1. Are you out?

Lots of people don't feel comfortable being openly polyam with extended friends and family, which is valid. In some cases, it's vital. For many people, polyam stigma can threaten their access to community support, resources, employment, housing, custody, etc. 

If you're not out, which partner (if any) does your extended family know about? This can create a bit of a descriptive hierarchy in the dynamic, even if you're not philosophically hierarchical in other matters. It's important to manage everyone's expectations, and to let them know in advance that allowing just one partner to have access to your family has everything to do with your safety, and nothing to do with their importance. There may still be tough feelings that arise when a person realizes they can't share all parts of your life with you, but clarifying intentions can at least avoid misinterpretations of your actions.

If you are out, which partner(s) would you like to include? Sometimes, a person feels comfortable enough to bring more than one partner to all their events. Other times, it makes more sense for different people to attend different occasions. Let's assess our own opinions about who might be fun to bring to which event, and talk to them about it. We then factor in all our partners' needs, availabilities, desires and comfort levels, before reaching a conclusion.

2. What do the logistics suggest?

In times of emotional overwhelm, I try to go to the simplest and most practical solutions. It offers a comfort to me when I'm unsure which action to take. So, I first look at the logistics of when / where / how an event will unfold, and which partner(s), if any, might make the most sense to join me.

For example: When I went to a best friend's wedding in France, my London-based comet took a train over to be my guest. My American partner (the only partner everyone at the wedding knew), was in New York and couldn't join. So, the logistics allowed for this scenario. I clarified with both of them about the intentions, so my American partner didn't feel boxed out, and my comet didn't think I was trying to escalate our relationship into something else. It was just a party, and it just made sense.

It's not always so cut-and-dry like this, but we can collaborate with our partners to strategize solutions. We don't need to make this decision alone in our heads.

3. Who might be the ideal support person(s)?

If you're anything like me, family-of-origin gatherings are not a carefree affair. They usually include a wide range of stressors, micro- and macro-aggressions, and people generally just invalidating who I am. If this sounds like your situation, there may be value in considering who among your partners is available to be your support person right now.

For example: One Thanksgiving in America, my longer-term partner was struggling with his alcoholism and couldn't really be around a feast with alcohol. My newer partner, while I didn't know them as well, was in a more stable place to offer me emotional support with my family. They wouldn't be negatively impacted by the nature of the event. With some negotiation about the Why of it all, we mutually agreed that my newer partner would join me. My longer term partner had fear of being replaced, which led to us creating special sober holiday moments together, so I could remind him that he was safe. It was just the most reasonable conclusion for that particular event, at that particular point in time. I'm so grateful for how our communication yielded a solution that met everyone's needs.

4. What are the expectations of the event?

Some holidays carry different significance, depending on your background. If you were raised Evangelical Christian, then attending Christmas might feel like a big deal. If you were raised Hasidic Jewish, then attending Thanksgiving would be really casual, because it was never a part of your rituals growing up. And so on.

So, what level of intensity and expectation comes with the event? Does it matter a lot to you? Does it matter a lot to your partners? Does it not matter at all? The answers to these questions can not only help you decide who might join you, but it can also help partners avoid misunderstandings about the weight of being invited.

5. What are the consequences, if any, of bringing one partner vs. another?

This is a tough one, but I think it's important to engage with this question. Even if the answer is, "there would be no real consequences," it's helpful to do a check-in about the stakes.

Perhaps your nesting partner would feel really hurt to be excluded, and your girlfriend could take it or leave it. In that case, maybe it's chill to just bring your NP, even if the more logistically convenient option would be your girlfriend.

Or, maybe your new boyfriend really wants to meet your family, and your longer term partner would absolutely love to not see them this year. Super! If you're out, bring him along instead.

Perhaps the consequences would come from outside the polycule. If bringing someone other than your pregnant spouse would create controversy with family, and your other partners couldn't care less about going, then you might just go with the easiest option to minimize conflict. 

And so on.

In short, it depends on who's involved, what the event means, and what makes the most practical sense. These are just a few examples, of course. But I hope that they can be helpful conversation starters as you navigate complicated holiday events. When in doubt, just talk more about it.

If you're in a particular situation that isn't so easily remedied, I'm of course available to help you strategize the best possible solutions for you. Reach out any time via: chillpolyamory.com/services 

I hope you have a beautiful week! I'm grateful, as always, for this community and your ongoing support.

With love,
Morgan