Case Study: Setting Boundaries Around Ghosting (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Many patrons asked for more case studies from my own personal life. I agree that examples can be helpful when translating theory into practice, so I'm happy to share them whenever I can!

So. I had a ghosting-breakup of sorts last week, but then they resurfaced to apologize. We negotiated a potential reentry into dating, but with a revised approach and new accommodations (view in browser or on Patreon app if unable to see images).

For context, I was seeing them weekly for about 3 months. Their typical response time was 1-2 days. They previously told me about some ADHD-like symptoms, though they don't use that term and don't consider themselves neurodivergent. (I include this detail because, 1. it's somewhat relevant to their explanation for ghosting, and 2. I have different communication expectations from neurodiverse partners.)

The following is a breakdown of how this chat played out from the POV of the person being ghosted (me). I hope it serves.

1. Express a need for management of expectations

As I mentioned, their usual response time was 1-2 days. When making plans, they often replied same-day. That pattern framed my expectations. Last week, in the middle of making plans, they disappeared for 3 days. I got anxious at this non-negotiated change of pace, so expressed a desire to have my expectations managed. 

In general, I'm fine going days, weeks or even months in between interactions with non-interdependent partners. I just need it to be negotiated. When it's not, I feel very powerless, scared and preoccupied.

2. Express feelings, and if necessary, give self-closure

After a full week of being left on read, I needed to remove myself from this situation. We'd only been going out 3 months, so it felt like a proportionate response based on my heightened sensitivity around ghosting. (If my nesting partner of 7 years did this same thing, I wouldn't have moved to decouple after just 1 week. So, longevity and interdependence can play a role in the response.)

I reached out a third time with essentially a "goodbye". I think it's important to not lash out or say regrettable things. There will always be a part of me that wants to say, "ok well fuck you too," or some other hostile reply. I definitely felt impulses to block them, because one of my reactions to perceived abandonment is to burn every bridge and shut them out forever. But that doesn't give me peace, it only feeds resentment and erodes my ability to trust new people. Regardless of the method of delivery though, I need to step back from people who can't meet my needs.  

3. Receive vulnerable apologies with compassion

I'm careful to specify vulnerable apologies here, because not all "I'm sorries" are created equal. If they were defensive, had bullshit excuses, spiraled into what a terrible person they are, or just straight up acted like nothing happened, this would be a different story. 

But they finally responded with a very thoughtful apology that both acknowledged my experience, and took accountability. For this reason, it felt safe to soften my guard a bit and hear them out.

4. Hold space for them, while self-advocating

I thanked them for the message, and also, I had to reaffirm why I'm so sensitive around people disappearing. Just because I can empathize with their actions now doesn't mean I should just stop needing what I need. We can hold space for both to coexist.

5. Cautious flexibility

Since they received my personal history with warmth and validation, I do feel a willingness to be flexible moving forward. However, I'm staying cautious and a bit self-protective. Words don't reassure the nervous system, actions do.

6. Negotiation to avoid repeating history

I proposed a compromise that could potentially meet both of our needs: something short and low-impact that they could text which would signal they're in an avoidant spiral, and that I shouldn't take it personally.

Turns out, they've tried that already, and it didn't work for them. Damn. But, I'm heartened at their willingness to consider accommodations, and the door remains open to keep testing other solutions.

7. Proceeding with caution

An apology is not the same thing as changed behavior. And, they admit it might not even be possible for them to change it. For this reason, I need to move slow. I've also laid the groundwork to completely separate if their inability to stop the pattern is untenable for me.

I specify "inability" here, as opposed to "unwillingness". Often, those two can be conflated. If someone has a desire to behave one way, but can't, then it's tempting to offer endless patience to them, while tolerating behavior that hurts us. 

I also don't want to imply that patterns like this necessarily need to be "fixed." I have no desire to change people, nor do I think that communication styles have inherent morality. For me, this is just a matter of compatibility. Are their abilities compatible with my needs, and vice versa?

We will take another week or so before meeting again, to mindfully slow the pace and hit reset. I may request a totally different structure, maybe once-a-month dates instead of weekly. Maybe we dial back into something non-sexual or non-romantic. With time, if they demonstrate a greater ability to be consistent, then I'm open to scaling up our relationship again. But the future of this dynamic largely depends on what they can offer, and how that impacts me.

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I hope this case study is a helpful example if you struggle with similar things!

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With love,
Morgan