Exercise: Sexual Communication Check-In (Patreon)

Hi cutie!

This weekend you get 2 back-to-back resources, since there were some technical difficulties last week. 

Today’s exercise is about strengthening our sexual communication. It’s partially informed by the sex educators at Impulsivity. While I appreciated their coursework (I recently took a few of their classes, always seeking to expand my own sex education), my opinion is that it's not for everyone. I experienced the lessons to be somewhat heteronormative, cisnormative and a bit dubious re: their opinions of sex work. So instead of endorsing their platform as a resource in and of itself, I decided to sit with some of the highlights of my experiences, and use that as a jumping off point to create something original for you. (Just a reminder that I am not a sex educator, and this exercise is intended solely as a conversation starter for you.)

Here are a series of suggested prompts designed to help you pinpoint how you'd like to grow in your sexual communication, either with yourself or with partner(s). 

If you're on the asexual spectrum, my hope is that these prompts can be adapted to address negotiations with your alosexual partners about their needs / expectations around sex, as well. 

1. BLOCKS - What is getting in the way of pleasure and desire?

Pressures that I put on myself include _________.

Some deeper sources of these pressures may be _________.

Frustrations I experience with my partner(s) include _________.

Pressures that my partner(s) put on me, intentionally or unintentionally, include _________.

Some unresolved conflicts with my partner(s) may be _________.

Frustrations I experience with external sources (work, family, government, etc.) include _________.

Some actions I may need to be taking around these external frustrations are _________.

My current biggest fear around my sex life is _________. That fear gets reinforced when _________.

My current biggest insecurity sexually is _________. That insecurity is exacerbated when _________.

Foreplay feels stressful or unappealing when _________.

Sex feels stressful or unappealing when _________.

I'm not sure how to ask for this / these sex acts: _________.

I'm not sure how to enjoy this / these sex acts: _________.

I’m in my head when _________.

I struggle to communicate verbally when _________.

I struggle to communicate non-verbally when _________.

I struggle to know what I want or desire around _________.

I struggle with negative sexual memories or PTSD around _________.

A pattern I’m very sick of is _________.

One reason it might keep happening is _________.

2. RESOURCES - What tools are available to address the blocks?

My experience is validated when _________.

I can seek non-judgmental peer support from _________.

I can seek sex-positive and kink-informed professional support from _________.

Self-soothing behaviors that calm my nervous system include _________.

Conflict resolution tools I can practice with my partner(s) include _________.

Role models who've shared this struggle and overcame it include _________.

I feel less alone when _________.

3. GREEN LIGHTS - What feels natural and liberating?

Sex feels desirable when _________.

Sex feels liberating when _________.

It's easy to get out of my head when _________.

I feel most comfortable in these sexual roles: _________.

The most enjoyable kind of foreplay for me is _________.

The most accessible sex positions for me include _________.

The most enjoyable sex acts for me include _________.

A pattern or scenario I really like is _________.

Something I've always wanted to try is _________.

Partner(s) I feel safe asking to try new things with include _________.

Before sex, I feel safe when _________.

During sex, I feel safe when _________.

After sex, I feel safe when _________.

If I feel nonverbal, I can negotiate alternative signals like _________.

I can negotiate the following protocol, if I experience "fight or flight" responses in the moment: _________.

I can negotiate the following protocol, if I experience "freeze or flop" responses in the moment: _________.

I can avoid a drop or sadness after sex by asking for the following aftercare: _________.

I’m proud of myself when _________.

I get hopeful when _________.

I’m totally satisfied when _________.

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These are just a few conversation starters that can hopefully enrich your conversations with your partner around sex. 

This is not comprehensive, so I will likely build and expand upon it over time. Ideally, these exercises can be crowd-reviewed and edited, to maximize their efficacy for everyone involved. So, your feedback is welcome!

Hugs,

Morgan