Case Study: 24 Hours of Territorialism (Patreon)

Good morning cutie, and happy Sunday!

Today, I'd like to share a personal story about territorialism. Despite practicing polyamory for nearly 10 years, I still experience these impulses, especially when a dynamic changes. 

I'll share what happened this week, how I responded, and what the takeaways are. Hopefully, that will be of service to you!

1. Impulse to mark my territory

So, my nesting partner hasn't dated in 2 years. He's finally meeting people again, which is an exciting change, but a change nonetheless.

Last week, he expressed a desire to have a date stay the night at our home. (It would be on a night I already planned to stay out.) We realized we actually never had a partner stay the night in our shared space before — another change.

Surprisingly, I actually felt no stress or insecurity about this in the moment. Years ago, the thought of a stranger in my bed with my partner would've made me feel sick. Despite intellectually approving of it, there was a long period where my emotional system would've still been dysregulated. I'm so grateful for this growth, which only came from a lot of talking, trusting, and proving my fears wrong. But then, the mischievous thoughts started.

Urges arose in me to throw my weight around in the home. I wanted to leave our love notes to each other "accidentally" out in the open, or prominently display some of my achievements and clout, in hopes of making her feel insecure in the space (while maintaining plausible deniability for myself). There was a messy desire to make my presence "felt" while she was there.

I didn't act on these things. But it's not a matter of willpower. In order to not act on them, I had to turn to my support network and say the thoughts aloud. (This means very much not burdening my NP with it, because he's too close to it and was feeling his own stress and fear around the date.) My mentor and I laughed and related to each other, and soon it all calmed down. I didn't have to cast my shadow over my partner's date, or create unnecessary tension with this presumably lovely person. Talking with someone outside of the situation who understands can really defuse these things.

2. Impulse to cyber stalk, or just regular stalk

I later felt "just a curiosity" about her social media handles. I wanted to dig through all her pics so I could... something. And that's the thing: I was totally unclear about why I wanted that. When in doubt, pause. It can make a world of difference.

Of course, it dawned on me that I really just wanted to size her up and compare myself to her. So, I examined these motives before asking my NP, and I'm glad I did. Nothing good could come from me scanning her profiles before their date. 

Ever persistent, my crafty brain thought, "ok well, what if you just come home early the next morning, and wait outside the building to see what she looks like?" Back to my support network I went. With their camaraderie and emotional support, I could let those insidious thoughts go, too.

The truth is, I do trust my NP wholly. I trust his judgment, I trust that he won't leave me, and I trust that if I'm meant to meet her, it'll happen on terms that everyone agrees to. She is not my competition, and my rusty brain just needed to cycle through some old habits before re-internalizing that fact.

3. "Mine."

While my NP was on his date, another partner shared about a new person they met. I didn't have a strong reaction in the moment, just "oh cool," business as usual. But on the heels of these changes with my NP, I had the sudden urge to grab this partner's arm, and jokingly say, "MINE."

Would it have been the end of the world? Not really. But it was cringe enough to make me think twice before doing it.

I played the scenario all the way through in my head. The vibe didn't feel right, even if it was just a "joke," because obviously it stemmed from very real (albeit fleeting) fear. I opted to share my insecurities with them instead. We talked about how easy it is to get a bruised ego, and how creative our jealousies can be. They thanked me for my realness, related to my emotions, and reassured me that I'm safe.

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So, what is underneath impulses like these? Aside from the lizard brain territorialism, there are often other fears lurking below the surface. 

For me, there's an abstract fear of my connection with each person becoming "less special," or otherwise deprioritized. Sometimes, if a partner is reckless or inexperienced, this fear comes true. Sneakiarchy, fake relationship anarchy, or straight up just "polyamory was a phase, now I met my monogamous person" can happen, which is why the fear still serves a purpose. But.

If I'm with people who have demonstrated zero track record of behaving like that, I can acknowledge that this is just a residual fear that stems from bad experiences and monogamous messaging.

As well, there are older wounds that can be hard to shake. Specifically, my childhood home was not a very safe place to be. So, the idea of my new home, my safe adult home, having these unpredictable changes happen inside it, made me scared. A vague "snowball effect" idea stirred, like, "well if we start having partners sleep over, next they'll be moving in and replacing me, I mean where does it end?!" And of course, that sentiment is just the brain doing some fear-mongering. Small changes don't mean that things will careen out of control. But again, saying it out loud helps defuse it. I can hear how ridiculous it sounds, and dismiss it much easier.

I'm so grateful for this daily practice of recognizing impulses before acting on them. When we notice our reactions, we can unpack them. We can name their origins. We can take action from a calm place of self-awareness, rather than an urgent place of dysregulation. We don't have to let our reactivity be in the driver's seat.

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I hope this short story can offer some insight about the daily, practical nature of continued non-monogamy. Compersion is a byproduct of this hard work, so if you don't experience compersion, just find safe community members who can support you, and start talking. 

Sending you so much love.

Morgan