Case Study: Exploring the Long-term Effects of Cheating (Patreon)

Good morning, cutie!

Today, I want to share an audio resource that dives into some long term effects of being cheating on, and how we can continue to unpack it and restore trust with our partners. I'll include a transcription below.

With love,

Morgan

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TRANSCRIPTION:

Good morning cutie and happy Sunday, this is your bonus resource. 

What happens when you know its different, and you can trust this person? Either it’s the original person who cheated, but they’ve done the work to change and demonstrate they’re different, or, it is an entirely new partner who has no history of giving you a reason to distrust them. But, you’re feeling reminded of when you were cheated on. The body and nervous system get activated. Intellectually, you know it’s different, but the body doesn’t know it yet. What do we do?

I will explain a little bit of the history that happened in my circumstance, how I unpacked it in real time, and what I’m doing about it to move forward. hopefully that will be helpful for you.

So. I was cheated on by my first partner, with whom I first forayed into non monogamy. All the time, just constantly blurring boundaries, making me feel like I had been the one unclear on the boundaries and thats why I kept getting hurt. He would stay out at all hours of the night, not tell me when he was coming home, not tell me who he was with, if it was a date or they were just friends. and one of the most pointed times was when he stayed out so late, about 4 or 5am, I woke up and started to have a panic attack. I didn’t know if he was unsafe, I didn't know where he was, hadn’t heard from him at all. He finally walks in and says, “oh yeah I was just out partying with our friends.” Then he crashes and goes to sleep.

I was already unhappy with not having my expectations managed. I have an anxiety disorder and that kind of uncertainty is not good for me. At the time, I was a baby-poly person, so I didn’t have the language yet to articulate what I needed with consistency or communication.

But then, we wake up in the morning, and I said, “so how was it? what did you wind up doing?” and he just casually mentions, “oh yeah I made out with one of your best friends.” Excuse me bitch? You’re gonna not give me a heads up about that? Not check in with me?

This was a constant in that relationship. Just a lot of surprises, a lot of casually breaking boundaries, despite explicit requests for a heads up if anything is escalating, especially if it’s a dynamic shift that might impact me because the person is also in my life too. That was an explicit boundary that was repeatedly broken, unfortunately. I did love this person, but he was just not committed to doing the work.

So, how did that impact my week last week?

I’m in a new city with my nesting partner, and he’s exploring kinky play parties. He was going out to an event where you’re not allowed to have cell phones. Normally, our process starts with, “hey there might be spontaneity tonight, how do you feel about that?” Not asking permission, but just giving a heads up and checking in on where I’m at emotionally and psychologically. This is how we manage having potential surprises in our relationship. Whenever possible, we text and do a check in about escalations. “Hey, I met someone, we might go hook up.” Again, not asking permission, just keeping me in the loop so I don’t get any bombs dropped on me way after the fact, which could feel destabilizing and create anxiety. This has been working for us for years. We’re coming up on 7 years together, and I always feel secure because he always follows through on what he says he’s going to do.

Well, he went to this kink party where you had to leave your phones at the front door. Me knowing he’s going to this party is, in and of itself, me being aware that things could escalate. It’s inherently a touch-focused, sensuality-driven event. And that’s great. I’m happy he can explore that, because while we’re both kinky, we don’t really desire it with each other. So I want him to be fed in that way, just like I’m fed with my other partners.

I knew that there was spontaneity going in. I knew we wouldn’t be able to follow through with our usual forms of communication and check ins. Intellectually (and, I thought, emotionally) I was fine with that. He went out, I had a great night at home, cooked and cleaned and gave myself a pedicure. It was fantastic.

I go to bed, and I wake up at 4 or 5am. He’s not home. The closest analog I had to that specific experience was this painful memory from years ago, when I was cheated on. So he finally came in, the sun was coming up, and I felt very tense. He had his phone back at some point, right? “Why didn’t you check in with me? Why didn’t you let me know you’re safe? Are you withholding anything from me? What the fuck?” I felt reactive, I felt tight. At the same time, intellectually I knew I can trust this person. So why am I feeling so reactive? I think it just really touched some old shit for me. It zapped me back in time, as if I was in that same room, experiencing that same lack of safety with that other person.

So how do we unpack this? How do I not attack this partner, with whom I feel safe and can trust? How do I move forward, so I’m not constantly having my emotions dictated by ghosts from the past?

1. Explore if it’s actually similar.

Yes, aesthetically it’s similar. The optics of coming in late, not hearing from you, a vague sense of a potential hookup. It clearly reminded me of a painful experience, but is this actually similar?

So I said it out loud and unpacked it in real time. “I think this is what I’m being reminded of. But, let me affirm that you have never given me a reason to not trust you. You did not have access to your phone to keep me informed, and we knew that up front. We agreed. Now, I didn’t know how late you’d stay out, maybe we can adjust expectations moving forward about that. But other than that, you haven’t done what my ex used to do, so I think it’s just the optics that are setting off this reaction.”

I think it’s important to explore if it’s tangibly similar. Because sometimes you’re with someone who actually is making you feel unsafe or invalidated, or like you can’t trust them. So let’s not just reject the reaction, like “oh I’m still not over what happened.” No, is this person actually doing something that the person who cheated on you used to do? It’s a valid question to explore, is the point.

2. Observe and report the emotions.

I cannot move forward until I notice what’s happening and say it out loud. Because otherwise it’s just going to dictate my reactions, I’ll yell, accuse, blame, if I don’t look inside and say “I’m feeling unsafe, tight, tense.” Those are just reporting what’s happening. It’s not saying he did anything wrong. It’s just how my body was reacting. despite it being different, my body didn’t know it yet. So I was noticing those things, reporting them, and trying to inform him what was happening, to the best of my ability.

That also created some natural boundaries. He would normally come home and kiss me and hug me, and tell me all about his night. But if I’m feeling tight and tense, on high alert, well he’s gonna be a little more gentle. “Hey can I put my hand on your back? Would you rather not be touched? How much is helpful for you to know, because I do want to debrief you? I can tell you’re feeling sensitive, so I don’t want to elaborate on anything that would be unhelpful.”

Reporting on my emotions and the physicality of my experience was helpful in ensuring I was taken care of. He could respond in kind, and navigate that with me, checking in on what I needed and what would be helpful in that moment.

3. Own the origins of the emotions

I, in my case, have confirmed this isn’t the same as what happened back then. I’ve processed what’s happening. Now I need to own it. “Hey, I am wanting to accuse you of things. Hey, I am feeling suspicious. I can tell the origins of those reactions are coming from this time I was hurt, repeatedly. This person would have a couch surfer stay on their sofa, and a week later say, “oh yeah by the way, I had sex with that person.” That kind of destabilizing experience of being cheated on, lied to, having things withheld — all that bullshit. I had to own that those experiences were now coloring my reactions in this moment almost a decade later.

Y'know, my nesting partner, he really appreciated that. “Thank you for telling me. It makes so much sense. I would love to strategize some solutions of how we can minimize this experience moving forward. It’s absolutely not how I want to make you feel. And, I really appreciate that you’re not telling me I did something wrong. I know that I am doing everything we agreed to, and it’s having this side effect. Both things are true.”

By me not blaming him or attacking him, but instead owning my own history and recognizing what is turning the volume up on this reaction, it really helped both of us.

4. Ask for reassurance.

“Hey, I need you to remind me that you’re not gonna cheat on me, or leave me. I need you to remind me of the safety precautions you’re using when exploring intimacy with other people. I need you to not only reassure me with words, but also develop a plan for how we can reassure me with actions.”

We’re still exploring that. There’s another event coming up which might go down similar. We’re gonna do a little trial and error. I think it’s important to know that it’s not always going to be clear what will make us feel safe. Sometimes it’s just easier to know what makes us feel unsafe.

We’re gonna try having a time when he checks in with me — 2, 3am — so if I’m to wake up and he’s not home yet, I can look at the phone and there will be a text managing my expectations and reminding me that I’m safe.

We’ll try it out and see if it’s better. I think that can lower the stakes, to have this trial-and-error approach to problem solving. Just remember that you’re on the same team and want the same thing. You’re not enemies, even if the partner’s actions set off an old trauma response. Let’s acknowledge if they’re actually doing their work, or if they’re not.

5. Trust that it’ll be different with time.

One of the most effective ways to heal feelings of distrust, anxiety, lack of safety, is a pattern of behavior that proves the opposite.

Words don’t reassure the nervous system, actions do. Showing up when you say you’re gonna show up. Communicating when and how you say you’re going to communicate. Checking in, “Hey is this still working? Or should we tweak our approach?” Trial and error until you feel secure.

With time, that memory that got triggered for me will lose its power. With time, I’ll have enough examples of a similar experience going well and respecting me, that the old memory will lose its presence in my mind. I’ll have too many new memories that sort of replace it and prove the opposite.

So, after I’ve gone through unpacking it, strategizing solutions, and continuing to explore what makes me feel safe, and who makes me feel safe, then we just gotta trust that it will change.

Time can heal wounds if that time is spent wisely by working hard to prove the opposite of what your brain fears.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind today. I thought it might helpful to explore it with you and offer an example. And I want to reassure you that no matter how long you’ve been polyamorous, this shit can pop up. You can feel jealous, anxious, scared, because change is scary. You can feel and think you’re secure, and then the past just hits you on the head to remind you when you weren’t safe. Don’t judge yourself if it happens to you. I’ve been polyamorous since 2012, I’ve been with this partner since 2014, and I still get fear.

The good news is, it goes away a lot faster. It doesn’t escalate so intensely. Probably within a couple hours of our conversation, I felt secure and was hugging and kissing him again. The rebound time is significantly better. I promise, if this happens to you, just keep working on it. Keep talking, keep strategizing solutions. As long as everyone’s acting in good faith and following through on what they say they’ll follow through on, I promise it gets easier.

I hope you have a lovely week. See you soon!

xx