20 Questions for Vetting New Couples or Triads (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

Today, I'm drafting some questions to consider when vetting new couples or triads. This may be for just swinging or play, or if you're looking to build a relationship that could become a triad or quad. 

I recommend talking to everyone together, to minimize misunderstandings or triangulation. Don't take one person's word on how the other(s) feel(s). Be sure you're all on the same page. If conflicts arise during this conversation, it will be good to know that before jumping into bed together. And as always, trust your gut, because not all questions will be appropriate in every situation.

This isn’t wholly exhaustive, of course, and there is some overlap with my 20 Questions for Vetting New Partners (individuals) because some of these things are just good to know regardless of how many people are involved. But there are some unique considerations for existing couples / throuples, so let's jump in!

20 Questions for Vetting New Couples / Triads

1. How long are you practicing non-monogamy / polyamory together?

2. What’s your current structure(s)? (And is it compatible with mine or are there conflicts?)

3. What are the current agreements in your relationships, and intentions of those agreements? (e.g. "we only date together, not separately" could merit a "why? / what is the goal of that rule?" Be sure to self advocate and really consider if their agreements could set you up to feel harmed.) 

4. What are you seeking currently? (e.g. only sex, very focused on adding a partner, casually open to adding a romantic partner if it feels right, etc. Manage your own expectations so you don't start pining for a throuple if they only want occasional threesomes, etc.)

5. Do you have any sore spots / recent conflicts between you that may be reactivated by my presence? (e.g. if someone cheated, or they've been disagreeing about if they even want to add a new partner, etc.)

6. Does veto power exist in this relationship? (This is especially important if they only date together, because then one person wanting to end it may automatically force the other to end it.)

7. What is each of your desired frequency and format of communication? (e.g. if you want to text regularly or prefer to only talk in person, etc. Manage expectations about what the dynamic may look like between spending time together.)

8. Have you participated in sex with more than one person before? (If yes, what does sexual aftercare with a third / fourth usually look like for you?)

9. Are there any specific sexual desires you're looking to explore?

10. Are there any sexual sensitivities I should keep in mind? (As well, share what makes you feel insecure in group sex, and what helps you feel safer.)

11. What are the known STI statuses and STI safety protocols for the entire polycule?

12. Does anyone have any chronic illnesses, chronic pains, disabilities or active PTSD triggers that I should accommodate? 

13. If hierarchical — is it a descriptive or prescriptive hierarchy? (i.e. currently but flexibly hierarchical, or inherently hierarchical with intention to keep it that way)

14. If non-hierarchical — how is that upheld, and how is sneakiarchy / couples privilege kept in check?

15. If they have kids — when and how do partners interact with your kids, if at all?

16. How out / open are you about non-monogamy? (Any needs for public / social media discretion?)

17. How often do you check in with each other about how you're feeling in non-monogamy?

18. How do you usually resolve conflicts? 

19. Do you know your typical breakup style as a duo / trio? 

20. What might you need to know about me?

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Feel free to adapt this list to your own comfortable language, add or subtract from it. I offer it as a jumping off point, in case these considerations may be helpful to clarify explicitly with the people in your life.

I hope this serves. 🙏

Love,
Morgan