15 Questions for Vetting New Partners (Patreon)

Today, by request, I’ve drafted up some questions we can consider when getting to know new (individual) polyam partners. There are slightly different considerations when getting to know an existing couple or triad, so that’ll be for another day.

This only is helpful is everyone is acting in good faith. People unfortunately do lie, minimize, deflect or misrepresent things, so we also want to pay attention to their patterns of actions as we go.

I don’t recommend literally interviewing people (unless they’re eager to discuss all the specifics in that format), but these curiosities can be expressed organically instead. This also isn’t exhaustive, of course, but can hopefully be a starting point in the “getting to know you” stages. 

15 Questions for New Partners

1. How long are you practicing non-monogamy / polyamory, and what brought you to this way of relating?

2. What’s your current structure(s) and types of connections? (This is to get a sense of compatibility of theory, as well as understanding the broader landscape of the polycule.)

3. What are the STI and COVID safety protocols, as well as the general risk tolerance for each person? 

4. Do you have any chronic illnesses, chronic pains, disabilities or active PTSD triggers that I should accommodate (and vice versa, can we discuss my own)?

5. What are your thoughts and feelings about hierarchy?

• If hierarchical — what does that look like in practice (examples can help)? What agreements exist with your primary that might impact me, and what ceilings exist around what we can build?
• If anti-hierarchical — what does that look like in practice (again, examples can help)? How is covert hierarchy or couples privilege addressed when it comes up, and are there any areas of life that challenging hierarchy (social/legal/financial etc) becomes more complex?

6. What’s your current emotional bandwidth and availability? (e.g. factors like being recently out of a breakup, swamped with a busy job, etc.)

7. Do you have any current priorities around dating? (e.g. seeking low commitment, pursuing a primary, only want a kink partner, etc.)

8. How have your general polyam relationships gone so far? Are there patterns you're reflecting on, realizations you're having, things you're wanting to shift moving forward?

9. How have your conflicts with partners usually gone? (e.g. are they frequent, messy, respectful, easy on some topics but reactive on others, etc.) Stories about polyam conflict can reveal a lot.

10. Are there any tender topics, sore spots or insecurities that we should keep in mind about each other?

11. What kinds of break ups or restructures have gone well, if any? What kind of approach(es) feel respectful if one or more people wants to add space?

12. How out / open are you about polyam? (Are there any needs for public / social media discretion? If yes, does that apply to all of the relationships? )

13. How are special events / holidays normally planned? We don't have to get ahead of ourselves on this, so it may only be important to bring up when it feels like the answer is relevant to our own plans. But getting a general sense of rules or expectations in the broader friend and family circles can help avoid surprises.

14. If they have kids — when and how do partners interact with your kids, if at all? Again, no need to jump the gun on this topic. But when it feels like its on the mind a lot, learning more about their stance on what the kids should know or see, and any agreements that exist with the coparent(s), can manage expectations.

15. What might you want to know about me, my dating history, my approach to polyam?

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Feel free to adapt this list to your own comfortable language, add or subtract from it. I offer it as a jumping off point, in case these considerations may be helpful to clarify explicitly with the people in your life.

I hope this serves. 🙏

Love,
Morgan