"Wait, I thought you said yes." A few thoughts on Continued Consent (Patreon)

Ever agreed to something with a partner, but they got upset about how you did it? This could be an issue with Continued Consent in the dynamic. Today I've compiled a few things that help me prevent conflict and confusion around this topic. Hopefully that will be helpful for you.

I talk often about informed consent, and the pursuit of radical transparency in our love lives. It feels awful to sit with hidden information, or to be on separate pages with a partner. When we seek consent in every area of our relationships, we can feel safe knowing that our partner(s) really do want to be with us exactly how we are, and there's no big secret that could bring it all crashing down.

Continued consent is exactly how it sounds: continuously checking in to get informed consent. Best practices around this can be misunderstood though, especially in new situations.

1. Don't use euphemisms

Longtime patrons may remember the time I told my nesting partner I was going on a "sleepover" with someone, by which I meant sex. But he thought he was consenting to a literal sleeping-next-to-the-person, and was surprised to hear we had sex afterward. I learned the valuable lesson that "nicer sounding" phrases can be the enemy of informed consent.

2. New details? Ask again.

Once a partner consented to me going on a date in the park. But then it started raining, and the date's house was nearby, so we wanted to go there instead. That's a much more intimate setting though, with higher likelihood of escalating to intimacy. These new details had to be offered to my other partner as well, otherwise it wasn't fully informed consent. 

To be clear, I don't recommend an "asking permission" dynamic with partners about metamours. That can veer into veto power too easily, and I don't find that to be sustainable. But it's the respectful thing to let our partners know of any major changes to plans, so they aren't blindsided later. And if something really would trigger a big emotional reaction in them, it's better for us to know before too, so we can make decisions with all the information up front.

3. New emotions? Ask again.

At another partner's first play party, we set up our "always" and "never" boundaries, then offered blanket consent to each other around sex and spontaneity. When he saw me actually having sex with someone else though, he shut down and couldn't make eye contact. So we hit time out. 

What was happening? Did he need time with me, or space from me? Did he still consent to this party, or was it too much after all? We wound up staying, but it could've gone downhill very fast if we didn't have that conversation. New emotions are new details, so it's important to check in. 

4. Err on the side of caution.

When in doubt, ask. "Do you like receiving sexy pictures?" "Would you feel safer if I checked in during my date?" "Would having them over to our house be upsetting to you?" If you're not sure the best practice with this particular partner, just ask what would make them most comfortable. We don't need to (nor should we) make these decisions alone in our heads.

5. Misstepped? Apologize with changed behavior.

Words just aren't enough. Make amends by owning what happened, how it harmed your partner(s), and setting up explicit new protocols to avoid making the same mistake in the future. 

Every miscommunication or self-centered crossing of a boundary requires tenfold the work to rebuild trust. It takes a long pattern of behaving differently to reassure the people we love that it really won't happen again. But it is possible to come back from it.

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Anyway this is what's on my mind this week! I hope it's helpful for you.
Love you so much! Let me know what else you want to talk about.

xx
Morgan