Review: Netflix's "She's Gotta Have It" (Patreon)

The following contains spoilers for Netflix's She's Gotta Have It miniseries (Episodes 1 & 2).

She's Gotta Have It is a mini-series adapted from Spike Lee's 1987 film of the same name. Today I'll break down the first two episodes, and explore the series' portrayal of ethical non-monogamy, so far.

I'll assume up front that I'll miss some things, since this is a show about black American polyamory, a topic I can't really elaborate upon. 

It's nice to see them dismantle tropes (e.g. empathizing with black women's anger, rather than demonizing or making them into a caricature. They also push back on racial fetishization, rather than using the camera as an exploitative observer). I want to honor these important aspects of the series, while also just sticking to my own wheelhouse of personal experience and embodiment. I'd love to know what you feel about it, especially if you're black in America!

What SGHI Gets Right

Autonomy of Polyam Femmes

Nola (our protagonist) is very focused on her personal goals, not dependent on partners to be catalysts who change her life. She's not portrayed as desperate or weak, but instead as powerful and in charge.

Sex-Positivity is Strength

She loves sex, she loves herself, she isn't sorry. She says no often, and says yes often. It's always refreshing when a show about sex doesn't portray femme pleasure as shameful or immoral.

Performative Femininity can be a Double-Edged Sword

Nola's friend Shemekka works at a burlesque house. She hits a glass ceiling, though, in terms of earning power, because her butt isn't as big as the other women. When she vents to friends, and openly considers cosmetic surgery, she's met with judgment, called self-hating, asked what her daughter will think... Damned if she doesn't, damned if she does.

This is tricky, because everyone speculates why a person wants surgery, but only that person can really say. (I just underwent cosmetic surgery myself, and feel amazing that I did! Motivation is everything.) Shemekka sees it as a way to boost confidence and earning power, but feels conflicted. It's validating to see this discussed on screen.

More Partners can mean More Healing

After an assault by a cat-caller, Nola receives different kinds of affection and healing from her different partners. 

One offers nurturing and warmth, kissing the bruise on her arm. Another offers pragmatism and tools, giving her self defense training. 

Even one of her metamours (an unwilling metamour, but more on that later) benefits from the experience, as her husband stays more mindful of cat-callers on the street.

What SGHI Could've Done Differently

Fights aren't Foreplay

Two of her partners jokingly call Nola a "freak" and a "sex addict" during foreplay. She hates those terms, but sort of jokingly dismisses it. If this were me, I'd hit a time-out, and say "hey. I don't like that." and then resume. or not. But dealing with conflict indirectly is unsatisfying and inefficient.

Not Cool to Participate in Cheating

Nola is well aware that one partner is cheating on his wife with her. She keeps saying, "it's complicated," as if that's an acceptable reason to forego consent in her polycule.

DADT creates problems

I rarely take firm, definitive stances on polyam boundaries. But I've never seen DADT go well. Withholding and deceiving partners, even if they've asked us to, puts up walls and can feel like cheating.

Case in point, Nola gets a text from one partner while in bed with another. He asks who it is, and she says, "a friend." He pushes, "a man friend?" But she shuts down the conversation. Then, another partner asks if he measures up to the other men, and she dismisses that, as well. They're both expressing fears of the unknown "competition", and asking for more info. But she wants to maintain DADT and keep everything compartmentalized.

These are examples of how hiding info about other partners does nothing to calm anxieties, or alleviate jealousy. Avoiding hard conversations won't make the problem go away.

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TLDR: For portrayal of non-monogamy, I give She's Gotta Have It a C-. All of her partners are consenting and loving, but she's pretty selfish about it. Their needs aren't really validated, and she agrees to a relationship that will deceive a metamour. But in terms of a holistic series about intersectional feminism, I definitely recommend it!