Who Let This Spider Cook?! Ch.31 (Patreon)

— Kakuei —

“So, are you gonna explain…this?” Momonga asked, gesturing to her avatar with more than a bit of surprise in her tone. 

After using the World Item, Ouroboros, the developers of Yggdrasil, fulfilled my request for an appearance change to the Eclipse race.

While Momonga had once been a skeleton with wider feminine hips and softer facial structure, her avatar now had flawless pale skin across her entire body, silverish-white hair, and glowing red eyes with even redder pupils. Her body was covered in her original clothing, with an added black shirt and pants with a gray breastplate. 

All in all, she was very beautiful. The devs have outdone themselves. 

“If I had known you wanted some eye candy while playing Kakuei, I would have changed my avatar to be more fitting to your urges,” Buku said teasingly. 

I shrugged at her words. Considering she would become a magical beast in a slime, I assume she’ll be able to shift her body around with the shapeshifter skill, much like the NPC Battle Maid, Solution.

“I will explain everything, but not here,” I answered Momonga with a small nod. “Before I say anything, we’ll need to log off.”

Both she and Buku tilted their heads at the sheer seriousness in my tone. They both opened their menus, and their avatars vanished, leaving me behind. 

I took a deep breath and prepared myself. I had spent nearly ten years playing this game and even longer in the world, and not once had I told anyone about the truth of Yggdrasil and what the end of the game would mean for us. 

But now, it was time I told the people I cared about so that I could better prepare them and give them the answers they deserved. 

I logged off of Yggdrasil and sat up in bed. Kaori and Megumi were sitting beside me, looking at me curiously. I took a moment to eye both of them, enjoying their differences. 

“We should get Daiki first,” I announced, standing up. I didn’t want to go through this explanation too many times, so telling everyone in the house all at once would be for the best. 

“Alright, I’ll get him, meet you in the kitchen?” Kaori asked, earning a nod from me. Before she went, she gave me a small peck on the lips before smirking at Megumi who smiled slightly at the sight.

After Kaori left, I was just about ready to head down to the kitchen, but Megumi grabbed my hand. 

“Is something wrong?” I questioned upon seeing her worried look. 

“Did something happen?” Megumi asked with unhidden concern. “You’re never usually this serious…” 

I shook my head and placed my hand on her cheek. “Nothing is wrong per se, but it’s definitely something we need to talk about. Trust me when I say it’s not a bad thing though.” 

Megumi stared into my eyes for a few moments, trying to find a deeper meaning in them before giving me a relieved smile. 

“I trust you, Kakuei.” 

I couldn’t help the grin from forming on my face. I pulled Megumi off the bed and into my arms and locked my lips with hers. Even in this situation, I couldn’t stop my hands from roaming down her soft waist and down to her ass, grabbing a generous handful.

Megumi pulled away from the kiss and glared at me with no real heat. “We can’t do this now; you have a lot of explaining to do.” 

Her words only made my grin grow in size as I nodded and offered my hand. She looked at it for a moment before taking it and we walked down the stairs together. Upon reaching the living room, we saw Kaori sitting with a very tired Daiki at the kitchen table. 

Daiki let out a tired yawn and stretched his arms into the air before resting his head in his hand. “You had something to say?” He asked. 

“Yeah.” I said, gesturing for Megumi to take a seat. She did so, sitting on the opposite side of Kaori who was sitting next to Daiki. I took a seat at the head of the table and took a moment to gather myself.

I didn’t want to tell them all of my reincarnation. It was entirely unnecessary, and I knew I could explain the World Change without having to tell them everything. 

“Listen.” I started. “What I’m about to say will be hard to believe, but I ask you all to open your minds.” 

“Just say it man, my eyes are screaming at me to get some sleep.” Daiki whined. 

“Alright.” I scratched the back of my head nervously. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened them. It was time. “Before Yggdrasil was released, I had a dream. A very detailed dream. In this dream, I saw the guild, our guild, I saw its members, and I saw how the game would play out. More than that, I saw what happens after the servers of Yggdrasil shut down.” 

They all looked at me with widened eyes, but I wasn’t done yet. “I know this will sound crazy, but…I saw it with my own eyes. Once the servers shut down, instead of just getting logged out, we’ll be transported to another world, and we’ll be brought there inside the bodies of our avatars along with the entirety of the Great Tomb of Nazarick.” 

My eyes roamed across all of them and my heart panged in pain when I saw all of them looking at me in concern.

“Kakuei…you need more rest.” Megumi said, placing her hand atop mine.

“No, I don’t.” I shook my head, trying my best to stay calm and collected. Getting angry would only make it seem like I was actually going crazy. “I know what I saw, the dream showed it all to me. This entire time, you all have seen how seriously I act when I play Yggdrasil, as if it was my actual life…right?” 

They paused at that and after a while all three nodded slowly. 

“It’s because I knew from the beginning that one day we would be sent to a new world…a better world. One with clean air, a night sky to die for, and good food that we could all enjoy together. Everything I’ve done in our Guild's name is all for that moment…please believe me.” 

I watched as they all looked down in thought. I could tell just by looking at their faces that they still didn’t believe me.

“Fine,” I said, getting up out of my seat. “You don’t have to believe me. When the last day of the server comes, make sure you’re all online with me, and help me convince as many guild members as possible to hop on as well. I know I sound fucking insane. I wouldn’t believe me either, so please, don’t believe me, trust in me.” 

“I…” Kaori started before looking at Megumi and Daiki. “We trust you, Kakuei. It’s just…a lot.” 

“I understand.” I gave the three a sad smile and placed my hand on Kaori’s shoulder. “It’s crazy, borderline insane, but as long as you’re all there on that last day, everything will go well.” 

“We’ll be there, Kakuei. It was the plan anyway.” Daiki shrugged his shoulders, giving me a tired smile, which I returned. “Alright, I’m gonna make like a rock and stay the fuck in my bed. So don’t wake me.”

We watched as he stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Megumi, Kaori, and I.

“Thank you both for at least hearing me out.” I placed my hand on my chin in thought. “It went about as well as I could hope for.”

“So that’s why you changed my avatar?” Megumi asked, earning a head tilt from me. 

“Megumi, that's why I did everything I did.” I explained to her. “From the first day I logged in, I knew that the server shutdown would end up sending us to another world. Everything I’ve done in between that point was for the sake of a better life. Not just for me, but for all of us…and especially both of you.” 

I watched as both girls blushed at my words. Even if they didn’t believe me, the fact that I was still thinking of doing things for their sake in my delusional state must have been enough to tug at their heartstrings. 

I’ll take what little victory I can get. 

“Y-You’re an idiot, Kakuei.” Kaori stuttered out and I frowned at her. I’ve been balls deep inside of her, and she’s still getting all stuttery over something that little. I guess even while worrying about our rebirth I haven’t lost my touch for romance.

“Am I now?” I asked, wiggling my eyebrows, which earned a giggle from both girls. “You may be right about that, but let me show you how knowledgeable I am in the sheets.” 

Both girls looked at each other before smiling and standing up. 

“Then show us, oh wise all-seeing leader of ours~” Kaori giggled.

“Yes, show us something new, something we’ve never experienced before~” Megumi whispered in my ear, taking a small nibble out of it. 

All motion in my life stopped as I saw both girls clinging to my body, basically grinding themselves on me. 

I was gonna fuck good tonight. 

— Touch Me (Day of Server Shutdown) —

“Daddy, we get to see the outside of your house?!” Touch Me’s daughter, Sayuri asked as they walked through their large house. 

“It’s not a house, Dear. It’s a guild base or my second home.” Touch Me/Kaito answered his daughter with a tickle to her belly, making her laugh. 

“Second home?! Can I live there?!” She giggled as stars filled her eyes. 

“We’ll see.” Kaito frowned as he continued to walk. After what Kakuei had told him a few months ago, it could be a real possibility. He didn’t truly think anything would come of the server shutdown, but on the off chance that Kakuei was right…he couldn’t risk not trying to give his wife and daughter a better life. 

Most of the group chat had either ghosted Kakuei or outright said he needed to seek medical counseling when he told them of what he believed was to come. There were a few who said they couldn’t make it at all because of work, like Tabula, Blue Planet, and HeroHero. 

It hurt Touch Me’s heart that the guild had fallen this low. Kakuei, even if he was wrong, has tried his best to give the others a better life, and they laughed in his face, or called him crazy. Just a few short years ago, Kakuei stood in front of the Guild as the most respected member of the guild, and now his own mates had reduced Kakuei to a man with an illness. 

“Mama!” Sayuri beamed a wide smile at his wife as they entered the living room. His wife, Saeko smiled warmly at the girl and pulled her into a tight hug as they grew near. 

“Are you ready to go, love?” Saeko asked the little girl.

“Umu!” 

“Good.” The older woman turned her attention to him and he couldn’t mask the seriousness of the situation from his face. 

“It looks like your father is ready as well, so why don’t you go and get the consoles ready.” Saeko asked with a slight smile, earning a quick nod from the little girl. She ran away a second later, leaving Touch Me and his wife alone. 

“...Do you think it’ll work?” Saeko asked, walking over to her husband and wrapping her arms around his neck. 

“It’s hard to believe.” Kaito frowned. “But Kakuei has never led us astray. Betrayed what was right? Yes. Done things at the cost of others? Again, yes. But he has never failed when it matters most.” 

“Then you believe him?” She questioned, giving him a quick peck on the lips. 

“I trust him.” 

— Kakuei —

I sat in the War Room and tapped the table. Currently, Buku, Pero, Momo, and I were the only ones on, much to my own disappointment. 

“They’ll come, Kakuei,” Momonga assured me, and I gave her a small, thankful nod. 

The reaction of the guild members when I told them the same thing I had told my loved ones wasn’t what I wanted at all. A few said they’d be on, but others were busy and had called my attempt to save them a desperate attempt to live in the past. 

It angered me to no end, but at the end of the day, it was their decision to make, and I’d be damned if I let them drag me or anyone I love down. 

[Player: Joni Val Temp has logged on!]

[Player: Vampira Val Temp has logged on!]

I grinned at the two names. I knew they would be on, so I wasn’t too surprised but still nervous. 

After around half a minute, they appeared in the War Room and walked side by side over to their seats.

“Yo.” Joni waved, earning a wave from all of us. 

“It’s good to see you both on.” I sent a smiley emoji.

“It’s good to see you as well,” Vampira said with all the elegance and grace she had upheld all these years. 

“We were beginning to think you guys weren’t gonna show.” Pero chuckled.

“Well, we got held up by…never mind, it’s not important.” Joni laughed nervously while Vampira just stared at him with her emotionless avatar. 

Oh god…what did he do this time? 

[Player: Touch Me has logged on!]

“Oh, there goes Touch Me!” Joni grinned, happy that something else had come along to change the subject. 

“Yeah, thank god.” I knew that if he was on it, his wife had agreed to hop on, even after her horrible experience the last time she played with their daughter. 

If she didn’t want to hop on, I knew for a fact that Touch Me wouldn’t have either. He would have remained behind with his family rather than left them, and I would understand if he did. 

[Player: Touch Me has requested to add [Player: LilacHeart] and [Player: SplashOfSunshine] as Visitors to Hell’s Paradise, would you like to accept? [Y/N] 

I quickly accepted.

[Player: LilacHeart has been added as a Visitor]

[Player: SplashOfSunshine has been added as a Visitor]

I let out a sigh of relief. Now that they are in, they should be transferred. 

I stared at the guild member list for a long while before shrugging my shoulders. 

[Player: erxctionlover73 has been kicked from the guild]

[Player: DoodleBob420 has been kicked from the guild]

With them gone, I could ensure Touch Me’s family is brought over safe and sound. 

[Player: LilacHeart has been promoted to Guild Member]

[Player: SplashOfSunshine has been promoted to Guild Member]

Nobody will fucking miss those guys. They were funny memers, but they hurt my feelings, so fuck them. 

“Added security?” Joni asked curiously, seeing the announcements. 

“Added security.” I nodded. 

[Player: Ulbert Alain Odle has logged on!]

[Player: Nishikienrai has logged on!]

“Yes!” I cheered aloud, making the present members laugh. 

“Look at how happy he is.” Pero sent a devil-smiling emoji. “If we actually do get isekai’d, Kakuei, I’ll buy you infinite drinks.” 

“Be ready to pay up.” I shrugged. 

With a flash of light, Nishikienrai and Ulbert appeared in the room.

“Of course we’re late.” Ulbert let out an annoyed sigh. 

“The party doesn’t start until midnight,” I informed him, getting a hesitant nod. He was one of the people who didn’t believe me, but unlike the others, he actually trusted me enough to come. After all the times I’ve stuck my neck out for him, he better have! 

“Master.” Nishi bowed. 

“Eh…are you still gonna do that when we go to the New World?” I questioned curiously.

“Should we be transferred over to another world like you said, then I shall indeed. You would be saving not only my life but the lives of the friends we’ve made over the years. You have earned the right to have us kneel to you.” Nishi finished with a bow. 

I stared at him in stunned silence. I knew he respected me greatly, but I never knew he respected me to that level. 

“Aw, that’s adorable; why don’t you two kiss now, or maybe bend Nishi over your knee and-” 

A flash of light cut Pero off, and in walked, Touch Me and his family.

“Papa, look!” Sayuri pointed at us. “Your monster friends!” 

“Ahaha!” Touch Me placed his hands on his hips and laughed. “Indeed, these are my monster friends, but let not their appearance fool you! Within every one of their hearts holds a spark of justice that is just vibrating to transform into a brilliant flame that will illuminate this world and the next!” 

“Wow!”

“Wow, indeed!” 

“I have said this before, and I will say it again. No DNA test needed, Touch Me.” Ulbert chuckled, earning a booming laugh from Touch Me. 

The family sat down at the table, and we chatted with Sayuri about her time in school. It had been years since most of us had gone, and we were happy to hear that the quality of schooling hadn’t decreased. With how shitty the world is, I thought it would have, but then again, Sayuri goes to a wealthy private school, and we went to public school, which doesn’t really speak well for how things really are. 

Most of the time, we just talked about life, not even focusing on the approaching end or anything like that, and before I knew it, there was less than an hour left. 

“Sayuri, Saeko. You both haven’t experienced a full tour of the Great Tomb of Nazarick, have you?” I asked. 

“Nuh-uh!” Sayuri got out of the chair and practically jumped in place. “Papa only showed us the Ninth Floor. Can we see the rest?!” 

“You may. Touch Me, why don’t you take them? We’ll be in the Throne Room, should you need us.”

“Sounds like a good idea.” Touch Me nodded and walked over to his daughter, grabbing her hand and gently pulling her along. His wife stood up and followed after the two. 

“The time draws near.” I frowned, tapping the table.

“Let’s hope you’re right,” Pero said in a severe tone. 

I looked at all the people who had come today, excluding Touch Me and his family, and though I knew they didn’t believe me, I also knew they had their lives riding on this moment. Everyone’s life sucks, even the people who live with me, and we’re pretty damn well off. 

I know I’m right, but now more than ever, I hope I’m not wrong. 

“We’re heading to the Throne Room,” I ordered, standing up, and the others followed along.

“That order slipped right off your tongue. I guess you haven’t grown rusty in these years of having no one to order.” Ulbert, along with the present members, laughed. 

“I guess so.” 

We made our way over to the throne room, walking through the various areas on the Ninth Floor and admiring the things we’ve done in our time playing this game. Of all the people that played Yggdrasil in this world, we alone stood at the top. If that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is. 

We made our way just outside of the Throne Room and noticed the Pleiadies, along with Sebas Tian, standing there at attention. 

“Look at Sebas, man, so inspirational.” Pero hummed. 

“Yeah, Touch Me really went ballistic when he made Sebas.” I agreed.

“Hey, what about Aura and Mare!” Buku interjected, and judging by her tone, we could tell she was pouting. 

“They’re cute; no one’s taking anything away from them,” Vampira explained in an attempt to cheer her up.

“Yeah, they’re better than Pandora’s Actor at least.” Joni laughed, and as hard as I tried not to, I couldn’t help but burst out in laughter as well.

“Hey!” Momo pouted.

“I’m sorry…the first draft of Pandora’s Actor left…much to be desired!” I said, bursting out into laughter the moment I finished, along with everyone else but her. 

“I was going through a phase!” 

“A phase where you worshiped Hitler?!” 

The room was filled with echoes of laughter. Only when we began to calm down did I turn to Momo and place a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry. You definitely made a great NPC with Pandora’s Actor, at least the current one. The old one will never beat the allegations.” 

“...Can we just go?” Momonga said quietly, and I knew her well enough to know she was holding in her laughter, not genuinely upset. 

“Yeah.” I nodded and turned to the Pleiades and Sebas. “Follow.” The NPCs stopped standing at attention and began following us into the throne room. As we walked in, we saw Albedo standing just at the stairs to the throne. 

“Damn, as wild as Tabula was, we have to admit. He knew how to make some women.” Joni whistled.

“Need I remind you that you have a wife?” Vampira said from behind him, making him jump back in fear.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was thinking. Please forgive me!” Joni held his arms in front of him in defense. 

“Scum.” Vampira spat out, walking past him. 

Ever the loving couple.

We stopped before the steps, and I turned around and commanded the following NPCs to stand by. I then turned my attention to Albedo, who was staring at me with the same small smile Tabula created her with. 

I did have to admit, she is very beautiful. Alas, I’m content with the women I have. I walked past her, made my way up to the Throne of Kings, and sat. Meanwhile, the others conversed with one another while reading out Albedo’s flavor text. 

“Jeez, Tabula has a type; we know that now.” Buku giggled. 

“I don’t think so. The way Tabula acts, that guy has to be gay.” Pero shook his head. 

“Where the hell did you get that idea?!” Ulbert asked in genuine shock.

“Hey man, all I’m saying is he’s either gay, asexual or an outright cuck. It’s one of the three.” Pero defended his point. 

“And you’re a virgin.” Ulbert shot back, defending one of his closest friend’s honor. 

“He got you there, brother.” Buku laughed. 

“Damn it,” Pero whispered. 

“What did we miss?!” Touch Me burst into the Throne Room with his wife and daughter just behind him. 

“Not much, just Pero getting dicked down by words.” Joni sent a laughing emoji. 

“Me personally.” I pointed at myself. “I’m not taking that, but that’s just me.” 

“Alright, who the fu-”

“Language!” Touch Me cut off Pero. 

“...Who wants to fight?” Pero finished. 

“Not enough time.” I frowned, looking at the time to see there were less than five minutes left.

“Well, if we get transferred somewhere else, we’re fighting, Joni.” 

“And I’d kick your feathery butt and make some fried chicken out of your body.” Joni stepped forward challengingly.

“...Harsh.” Pero backed away with a sigh. “Kakuei, why don’t you defend me.” 

“Because I’m trying to experience peace before getting ripped from this mortal coil. We’re about to ascend to godhood, and you’re all out here bickering like four-year-olds.” 

“What’s wrong with being a four-year-old?” Pero questioned.

“...For the love of all justice in Yggdrasil, Pero, please shut the actual flip up.” I facepalmed.

“Thank you for holding the curses back, fellas.” Touch Me nodded proudly.

“I added a small change to Albedo’s settings,” Ulbert admitted, making me grow curious. I would have thought either Momonga would do it or no one would at all, and I had no intention of touching her. 

“What did you do?” 

“If it works, you will see.” Ulbert shrugged, walking up to the Throne and standing beside me. 

The others opened her flavor text and began looking before bursting out in laughter. 

“Haha! Well, that’s better than being a slut I guess, but…wow!” Joni grinned and made his way up to the Throne as well. The others followed until we were all here. 

One Minute Until Server Shutdown

Looks like it’s ti-

Target Location has begun

What the fuck?!

“Guys, did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Momo asked in confusion. 

Target Located

Initializing Target Analyzation

“What do you mean “hear what,” you don’t hear that voice?!” I asked in genuine concern. 

“Kakuei…what are you talking about?” Momonga asked with worry in her voice. 

Target Analyzed

Holy shit, am I actually going crazy?!

Target Count: ???

Intrinsic Skill: Throne of Nazarick acquired

Unique skill?! What the fuck is that?!

Non-Applicable Targets have been assimilated into Skill: Throne of Nazarick

“Wait, what was that?!” Pero asked suddenly.

“Yeah, I heard it too!” Buku said with a bit of fear lacing her tone as she began looking around. The others nodded along as they all began looking around, confused about what was going on. 

Initiating Transmigration

“It’s starting,” I said, standing up from my place on the throne. 

Everyone looked at me, and although their faces didn’t change, I could tell they were shocked. 

An Error has Occurred

Reinitiating Transmigration

Transmigration in process

Well…here we go. 

— Chapter End —

Author’s Note: The next chapter finally puts us into Tensura! Sorry about the delay; I recently got into Invincible and wanted to learn a lot more about the lore, which took me a few days. I’ll drop a stat sheet for Kakuei sometime in the future, along with a picture for his avatar.

Also, Kakuei deliberately left out the little fact about the NPCs coming alive. They wouldn’t believe the transfer, so why would they believe NPCs coming alive?