Helluva Breakup 1 (Commission, Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss) (Patreon)

Where: Office of Immediate Murder Professionals, Imp City, Pride Ring, Hell

Who: Blitzø, Owner and Manager of Immediate Murder Professionals

I looked the hellhound sitting opposite me up and down. He looked kinda scraggly, his fur unkempt, a weariness in his posture, all in all, he looked like shit.

“While I won’t say no to more muscle topside,” I began, looking down at the flier he’d placed on my desk. It was a ‘Help Wanted’ flier I’d made a few months back when I was starting the business, before finalizing M&M. Seeing as no one else had responded to the flier, I’d forgotten about it. “I’m not sure we can afford to hire anyone else at the moment.”

The half exhausted gaze turned from the pictures on the wall to me, and the hellhound hoping to be hired gave a crooked grin and said, “I’m sure I can change your mind: if you let me sleep on the couch, I’ll work for free.”

I blinked a few times. Well, that explained the scruffy, unkempt appearance. And if he was anywhere as tough as Loona, he’d be more than able to handle himself in a fight. But before I agreed out of hand, I asked, “Who the fuck did you piss off?”

A tired blink was followed by him saying, “A lotta people, can you be more specific?”

Right, this was Hell after all, fair enough, “Who’d you piss off so much that it has you looking for a job so you can sleep on the company couch? More importantly, how high is the likelihood of said demon deciding to fuck up the company whose couch you’re sleeping on?”

“Oh,” was the slow response. Sheesh, if it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t smell so much as a hint of booze on this guy I’d be convinced that he was stoned worse than a Texas prison in the Old Testament. “My granddaughter’s girlfriend kicked me out a week ago, I spent the intervening time walking from Pentagram City to Imp City.”

I stared at the hellhound, setting aside the comment about having a granddaughter, my eyes widening as I tried to find any hint that he was lying. The roads between Pentagram and Imp City were utterly insane in how dangerous they were. About the only reason that it wasn’t one big ass graveyard was because Sinners couldn’t die without angelic weapons, any native born demon that tried to walk it would be torn to shreds within the first hour.

“How’d you get past the vultures?” I asked, reassessing him and wondering how he got past the giant vultures that were big enough to gobble down an imp and most Sinners in a single gulp.

Sleepy Boy gave a blink before he answered, “I needed food for the trip.”

…right, I couldn’t see any sort of hint that he was lying or bullshitting me. If he could kill and eat the giant birds that crapped out Sinners for shits and giggles, he’d be a major asset topside.

“Right then, you’re hired. I’m your new boss Blitzø, the ‘o’ is silent. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the staff,” I said, standing up and dragging Benzo out of my office into the rest of the company space. “Guys, meet our newest employee! He’ll be sleeping on the couch.”

Loona didn’t bother to so much as look up from her phone, while M&M both turned to look at me and their new coworker.

“Hey! What’s yer name?” Millie asked cheerfully.

His head lolled towards Millie and when he answered, it sounded like he was half a step away from yawning, “Got more names than I can remember, but I like Metzli. Call me Metz.”

Loona glanced up from her phone as the now named Metz mingled with the crew. I, in the meantime, had a client show up. A teacher bitch who wanted the woman her husband fucked dead, along with the rest of the woman’s family. Not a particularly elaborate job, but a job’s a job’s a job, and all that bullshit.

Where: Bumfuck Nowhere, Virginia, USA, Earth

Who: Sleepy Boy Metz

I observed the imps as they talked, the one with the bowtie arguing the ethics about killing an entire family. Kinda surprising, considering that A) he was a literal demon, and B) he worked as an assassin. But whatever. I didn’t like being on Earth, hadn’t since the debacle that was my last breakup.

Looking through the window again, I spotted what looked like a gas stove/oven mixed unit in the kitchen. Bingo! Slipping away from the imps, if they made it a month I’d bother trying to remember their names until then they were free entertainment, I entered the house as the family sat around the dinner table.

Whoof, even with as young as they were, I could smell the rank Sin on the kids. Nowhere near as much as the parents, but still enough on them that they were getting a one way ticket to Pride. Pushing the aroma of Sin aside, I quickly fucked up the oven and rigged it to go kablooey. A touch of hellfire on a newspaper placed in the kitchen sink would give me and the imps enough time to get some distance.

Making my way back to where the imps had been peering through the window, the one with the biggest horns looked at me and in a whisper hissed, “Where the fuck did you disappear to? Doesn’t matter, we still need to-”

“We need to retreat at least a hundred yards away,” I interrupted him, grabbing the two smaller imps and following my own suggestion. “The house is going to blow up in less than a minute.”

“Wait, what?” bowtie imp asked from where I had him under an arm. “What did you do?!”

“I rigged the gas oven to explode, and since the flame used was hellfire, it will be far more lethal than Earth fire would be. Plus, actually capable of doing harm to native born demons,” I elaborated.

The three imps stared at me, before the long horned one bolted. Soon enough, we were standing on a hill overlooking the cabin as it blew up. A green ball of fire turning the structure that stank of Sin into a smoking, smoldering crater. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath, checking the levels of Sin in the air, and confirming that all four were caught in the blast.

“Well, that’s four new Sinners. Can we go back to Hell now?” I asked, turning my gaze back to the imps.

Honestly, I didn’t really give a damn about the imps, or the people. It was hard to give a damn about anything, had been for so long I was having a hard time remembering anything else. Maybe I’d fuck the Sinner who wanted the family of cannibals dead when we got back, she was pretty enough. Not to the same degree as my ex, but that was hardly a fair comparison.

I sighed, as I walked through the portal, my eyes briefly taking in the weave of magic as I passed through it. Elegant, complex, beautiful. I was reminded of better times, of when I hadn’t “overstayed my welcome” with all of my children and my granddaughter, before everything had gone to shit.

Another sigh left me, as the lead imp ordered a cake. Devil’s food chocolate, unsurprisingly. It’s not like angel food cake was a thing in Hell. The Sinner client was looking at me as the female imp regaled her with the story of my rigging the cabin to blow up, a gleam in her smoldering eyes.

[center]15 Minutes Later[/center]

The Sinner grunted as her hips hit the break room table, the top three buttons of her blouse undone. She was wearing a matching set of black lace bra and panties, the latter of which were already damp from my fingers working their way inside of her.

“Mmm, so fucking good. You have no idea how long I've waited to do something like this,” the Sinner whispered, pressing her lips to mine.

I returned the kiss, meeting her tongue even as I lifted her bra up over her breasts, lifting them to meet my hands. A moan escaped her as I grazed the tops of her areolas, teasing the tips of her nipples with my thumbs.

She arched her back, pushing herself against me, seeking more. I obliged her, sliding my hand down the front of her body, to the hem of her skirt.

“Ooh, fuck. Don't stop,” she moaned, squeezing her thighs together, grinding her pussy into my hand.

A finger slipped underneath the waistband of her pantyhose and into the valley between her legs, stroking her through the fabric. Her head fell back, her hair falling forward as she moaned loudly.

“You're so wet, so hot, so ready,” I murmured, my eyes flicking to hers.

She whimpered, nodding as I pushed my pants down, freeing my cock. I was already erect, the knot at the base only just beginning to swell out as I pulled my finger out of her. Tearing a hole in the fabric with a claw as I pulled my hand away, I lined myself up and thrust into her.

Her eyes flew open as I filled her, gasping. I leaned over her, kissing her as I began to move, my dick sliding in and out of her tight cunt. She cried out as I picked up speed, pounding her harder. The Sinner wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me closer as I fucked her, grunting with each thrust.

“Fuck, yeah. That's it. Fuck! Shit, I'm gonna come. Oh, God, oh, fuck, shit, yes,” the Sinner gasped, bucking beneath me as her orgasm tore through her.

I continued to drive my cock into her, the knot at my base pressing at her entrance while my tip battered at her cervix. Her legs shook as she came again, her muscles tensing as she squeezed me, milking my cock. I let go of her, dropping my arms as I grabbed her ass. I slammed into her, my balls slapping against her dripping pussy, my hips slamming into her.

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck, don't stop, fuck! Yes, yes, yes, oh, you feel so good, fuck yes, fuck me, oh, please…” the Sinner rasped, her voice breaking as I pounded into her. I could feel her inner walls clenching around me as her orgasm ripped through her, her juices flowing onto my dick, soaking me.

With a practically audible 'POP', my knot slipped inside her, her cervix opening before my dick, moments before I came. My spine shuddered as I filled her with my seed, the sensation making my eyelids flutter. The Sinner didn't seem to notice; her legs clamped around my waist, her nails digging into my shoulders as she rode out her climax.

“Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, that felt so good, oh, fuck, fuck, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck…” the Sinner whined, twitching against me.

I didn't say anything, just kept moving, my cock still buried deep within her, near constant spurts of cum flooding her womb, to the point that her stomach started to gain the barest hint of a bump.

Finally, I slid out of her, the Sinner letting out a long sigh as my spent dick slipped from her. I stood up, grabbing my pants from the floor. I turned to face her, slipping my pants on as well as my shirt. Turning around, I gave a tired blink as the door to the break room clicked shut.

Giving a grunt, I made my way over to the couch, all but collapsing on it and putting my left arm over my eyes. If the boss imp or the female hellhound made a fuss about my fucking the satisfied client, I’d deal with it when I woke up.

The Sinner left, her particular scent blend of Wrath, Pride, and Envy eventually clearing the room, and I fell asleep, alone. The way I’d been alone, even when surrounded by family and strangers, ever since that argument so long ago.