40k Problems, But Bitches Ain't One (commission) 1 (Patreon)

I groaned at the throbbing headache pounding in my skull. This was the last time I went on a bar crawl with Ioseph. Fuck, last thing I remember was talking to some guy about 40k and Invincible. I blinked as I thought over the last memories I had, damn I must have been drunker than I thought, since I can’t remember what the weirdo looked like.

‘Seriously, what kind of loser thinks Magnus the Red is a, quote, damn fine harpy mommy, end quote?’ I thought to myself.

“Oh I don’t know, I think I wouldn’t mind being called that,” a sultry voice said, making me turn to my left. I was met with the sight of two red-purple taloned feet. My gaze went up, and up, and up, and up. Until I was finally looking into the single, yellow eye of an eleven to twelve foot tall woman with red skin, fiery red hair, and a pair of large feathered wings that were, you guessed it, also red.

I blinked several times, carefully considering how to respond to standing in front of, if I wasn’t mistaken, a genderswapped Magnus the Red. After a minute, I opened my mouth to deliver my carefully worded and thought out plea for mercy.

“Despite having the worst hangover of my life, I have never been more turned on.”

Right, I forgot that my brain/mouth filter was screwy when I’m hungover. Dammit, well hopefully it… will…be…quick? Okay, Harpy Momma is laughing uproariously, which means good things for my life expectancy, hopefully. While Momma Red is busy laughing, I take a look around. And I find three more women surrounding me, along with a vast expanse of snow covered pine trees.

There was an extremely pale woman with long, flat black hair, an even paler woman with a yellow eyed woman with silver-white hair in a bit of a bowl cut and covered in tattoos. None of them were as tall as Harpy Momma, but there was a particular defining feature at the moment that all four of them shared. That being the fact that they were naked. In their birthday suits. Au natural. Completely starkers.

“You may stop thinking of metaphors for our lack of clothes,” the pale skinned, surprisingly lanky, Perky Tiddy Goth Amazon said with a slight smirk.

Well… I was in trouble.

“Relax,” Goth Amazon said, crouching down and running a hand through my hair. “You're cute enough to get away with it.”

“Uh… thanks? I think?” I said after a moment. “Where are we… exactly?”

“We don’t know,” the pale blonde said, her voice raspy. “It is colder than any of our birth worlds, yet not nearly as cold as Fenris.”

“Well,” Harpy Momma began, having gotten her laughing under control. “I have a hunch that the little snack here has an idea.”

I glanced between the four genderswapped Primarchs. Nervously swallowing, I licked my lips and said, “From a cursory inspection, I'd say we're in the Northern Hemisphere of Terra, probably on the North American continent.”

The four gave slight starts, glancing between each other before the one who hadn't yet spoken asked, “What makes you so sure that we are on Holy Terra?”

“Um… I grew up there and I recognized the trees around us?” I answered, before rushing out. “But I grew up in the second millennium, well before the Imperium ever formed. We didn't even have bases on the moon yet.”

They glanced at each other again, something immaterial passing between them, the tattooed one finally muttering, “Standing on Holy Terra, touching its soil… feeling its air… can it be?”

“It’s either that or we’re on a world that’s been terraformed and seeded with pine trees,” I said with a shrug.

That earned me an annoyed glare from Tats, and I gave a yelp before scrambling to my feet. Fortunately, I had some clothes on, as I very much doubted I could handle the cold as well as the Primarchesses around me could.

"Relax, Auriela," Goth Amazon said, reaching down and picking me up.

I should have been humiliated, since she sat me on her hip like I was a toddler. But seeing as I was eye level with her navel, while I was wearing my heavy work boots, I chose the better part of valor. Also the fact that she was pressing my face into her boob.

"Can I know your names?" I asked around half a mouth of firm tit.

Harpy Momma chuckled, "You're being held by Koralline, I am Magna, and these are Morticia and Auriela."

She gestured to Extra Pale and Tats respectively, and once again my mouth engaged before my brain could rein it in, "I would have expected Morticia to have black hair."

That prompted confused looks all around, before I realized I hadn’t introduced myself, “Oh, right, sorry. My name’s Nero. After a long dead ruler of a nation that was called Rome.”

“Good to meet you, Nero,” Auriela said with a nod of her head. “Do you by chance know where The God Emperor resided during your era?”

“Considering he believes us to be female versions of fictional characters, I rather doubt it,” Manga said, making me grimace as the other three turned to me.

To my surprise, Morticia shrugged before I could try to offer an explanation and said, “There are stranger things in the Immaterium.”

The various nods and noises of agreement was simultaneously a relief and a bit of a let down. Huh. Pushing that thought aside, I took another glance at them, my gaze lingering on certain perky peaks.

“Out of curiosity, any of you have a plan for shelter? Or food? Or gear?” I asked.

Magna laughed again, which did very appealing things to her chest, before answering, “Obviously we will make what we need ourselves. I am a powerful enough sorceress that once we have chosen a suitable location containing enough raw materials, I will fashion a rudimentary fortress for us in that location while using…”

I lost track of what she said after that, as I had a sudden strange feeling. Hopping out of Koralline’s grip, I found myself walking. I didn’t have a specific destination… or at least, I didn’t know where my destination was, I just… I needed to go to a spot. I vaguely heard the four following me, one of them saying something about divination. Eventually, I stopped. I couldn’t say why, I hadn’t reached the point that I needed to reach, but…

A massive hand clapping onto my shoulder knocked me out of my trance. I looked up to Magna, her hand being the one on my shoulder, as she looked down at me with a smile on her face. Seeing that she had my attention, she said, “Well done. Not bad for an untrained psyker.”

“Wha?” I asked, blinking in confusion. Me, a psyker? That didn’t…

“I could feel you in the Warp, you were making use of a limited form of Divination. A form of Divination I have only seen Warp-Crafters use,” she said, patting me on the shoulder before turning her attention to the stretch of ground before us. She sent a quick glance my way and said, “You will want to back up.”

Message received! I ran back to where Morticia, Koralline, and Auriela were standing, as Magna held her hands out in front of her, palms down. For a moment, nothing seemed to be happening. Then there was a faint rumbling, which grew louder, and louder, and louder. The ground itself seemed to shake, before the ground in front of Magna tore open, dirt and rock rising up into the air in a column that split apart into countless perfectly shaped blocks.

Those blocks floated to form a wall surrounding the still rising column of now solid rock. The seams between the bricks glowed red and seemed to almost sink, before Magna clenched her hands into fists and the rising stone turned into dust, floating to form a number of different piles.

The show went on for at least an hour, before she seemed satisfied and lowered her hands with a nod. Turning back to us, she motioned us to join her as she began making her way into the tunnel she created. I followed first, though admittedly part of that was due to the amazing view of her ass as she walked. Unfortunately, that view didn’t last quite as long as I would have liked, as her impressive display of telekinesis didn’t include installing lights ahead of time.

“Of course I didn’t include lights,” she said, even as small balls of flame materialized around her. “That would remove an opportunity to train you in Warp-Craft.”

Right, because I was apparently a psyker. That was going to take some getting used to. Here’s hoping I don’t open up a rift to the Warp in my head.

“Doubtful, the Warp is the calmest I have ever felt,” Magna said with a half dismissive wave of her hand.

Well, living with a telepath was going to take some getting used to. At least she only chuckled this time.

After about ten minutes of walking, Magna came to a stop in a large, circular room with a number of dust piles in the center. Turning to face me, she had a serious look on her face as she said, “These are the materials you will use for your first piece of Warp-Craft. I will guide you through the process the first few times, so you learn to feel the eddies and shifts of the Immaterium. After that, I will observe but not interfere. Now come.”

I wasn’t given the chance to argue, as she lifted a hand and I rose into the air, floating towards her. Being very fond of living, I didn’t resist, even as she chuckled in amusement. I was soon turned around, being held against her front almost like a living plush toy. The feel of iron hard muscle against my back, combined with the fact that my head was placed between her breasts, did… things to me.

“Focus,” Magna’s voice pierced through the haze of arousal that had started to form. I felt… something touch my mind, as if it were holding me in a pair of gentle hands, guiding me to reach out to…

Words can’t come close to describing what touching the Warp feels like. My senses became alive with a kaleidoscope of sensations. Colors that had no names rang in my ears. Sounds from an orchestra of a million instruments and none swirled before my eyes. Whispers brushed against my consciousness, like the distant echoes of long forgotten secrets. Promises of power, of pleasure, of life, of knowledge, of the rush of battle, of the touch of a lover’s caress, of anything and everything that could be experienced and beyond.

“Focus,” once again, Magna’s voice provided me with a sense of stability, a rock in the sea of roiling, churning chaos.

Satisfied I was no longer lost in the rush of first touching the Warp, Magna guided my mind to the piles of raw components. Following her guidance, I took the piles of base elemental material and began connecting them, organizing them atom by atom until they took the forms I desired. I didn’t recognize the design, provided as it was by Magna, but when I came out of the trance, gasping for breath, staring at what I’d made with her guidance.

Four suits of armor, Space Marine armor, along with a massive scythe, an enormous mace, dozens of knives, a pair of clawed gauntlets, and a sword that reminded me of a khopesh. All of which were sized for the four amazons with me.

“Imma nap now,” I slurred as my eyelids grew heavy and I struggled to stay conscious.

“Rest, Nero,” I heard Morticia say as the weapons and armor were fallen upon with gusto.

“We can more than handle things while you rest,” one of the others said, the words sounding like they were purred into my ears.

I blacked out, unable to make out the other words that were said.