Helluva Time 8 (Patreon)

Where: Outside the office of Immediate Murder Professionals, Imp City, Pride Ring, Hell

When: 233 days to next Purge

Who: Jacques

Octavia wouldn’t say who hit her. Made me leave early. Returned Uncle Alastor’s car, made way home. Eviscerated dog phenotype sinner, frustration at helplessness to help Octavia and the r̢͏e͢͜m̸͘i̧̛n͢͝d̶̨e͟҉r̢̢ ҉͘o̷̕f̕͜ ̛͝t̷̡h̨͟è͘ ́͟t͘͟ę̧e͟͟t҉́h̵͏,͜͠ ̡̧b̢̀i͟͝t̢̛i͞͝n̷̛g̶͢,́͞ ̡͝s͏͘l̕͢i̵͢c̨̀í̶ǹ͡ǵ̴,͢͠ ̀͟d̶̸i̡͞ǵ́g̷̀i̴͜n̢̛g҉̷ ͏̴t͘͟h̨͢r̛͡o̢͢ų́g̵̷h̀͠ ͡͏m̛͝y̡͏ ̵͠f̶͜l̷͘ę̧s̴̛h͠͠.̸̡.̡͠.͏̧

Force memories back, not there anymore. In Imp City, in Hell. Not a back alley in New Orleans, as members of Byrd Gang laughed. Have a job with pleasant coworkers, dating a wonder girl, have more power than could have imagined while alive. Manifesting in Hell best thing to happen to self.

“Oh, mornin’ Jacques!” voice of Millie, still six blocks from office. Millie parking company van, why here? Company van goes in company parking spot. Do not need axiomatic parking on top of frustrations at being unable to aid Octavia.

“Good morning, Millie,” gave appropriate greeting, now can address important issue. “Why are you parking the company van here?”

“Turns out Blitz’s ex took our spot, did you know that Blitz dated a pop star?!”

Blink to express surprise/confusion, resume conversation, “Is this ex the one who continually sends explosives via the postal system?”

“Nah, she still seemed pissed, an’ those stopped months ago.”

Incorrect, but as self never explained sorting through the postage following unacceptable frequencies from first explosive parcel and disposing of any explosives found. Becoming side tracked, must resolve issue with company van parking. Inquire as to full details, Millie provides while using self’s shoulder as conveyance to office building. Never interacted with incubi or succubi, excepting any unknowing encounters prior to death. Liable to attempt fornication, pointless. No interest, with Octavia.

Enter building, take stairs, elevator uncomfortable. Broad-shouldered hellhound outside office opposite IMP’s. Surprisingly pleasant mass produced garbage emanating from opposing office. Millie leaves shoulder, enters office.

Approach hellhound, “May I speak with Miss Mayday about relocating her vehicle?”

“You the Sinner? Building manager mentioned you. Just don’t try anything,” hellhound answered.

Enter office, at least two incubi, five succubi, one indeterminate. Pink skinned succubus turns to self, speaks with polite tone, “Can I help you? I have time for an autograph but we’re really busy.”

“Please relocate your vehicle. That spot is for a specific company vehicle, therefor that company vehicle must use it,” prior experience, both with humans and Hell denizens, means request unlikely to work. But Uncle Alastor would express disappointment if I did not ask.

Succubus rubs at forehead with groan, “Look kid, were it for anyone else’s parking spot, I wouldn’t care. But the shitstain who’s parking spot it is just so happens to be my ex. The fact that it pisses him off is worth more to me than anything you could say or offer. It’s just for a week, then we’ll be gone. Can you survive that long?”

“Tell ya what,” tall incubus interrupts, odd look on its face, “how about I come over to your place after work for the entire time we’re here? No charge of any kind.”

Incubus, probability of offering sex high, “I am not attracted to masculinity.”

“Well then, how about me?” dark skinned, rotound succubus offers, similar expression on her face as incubus.

“I possess a girlfriend. I am uninterested.”

“You say that like it’s an obstacle, the more the merrier after all.”

Ȓ̶̵̩̳͊a̴̭̦͂̈͡ģ̭̬̎͊͠ę̖̤ͧͯ͜.

Entirety of room back away from self as emotional turmoil results in power leaking from bindings. Shadows along walls writhe in sympathy to outrage. Urge to kill succubus strong. Resist urge, not base animal. Reign in power, reassume control over emotions. Focus attention on lead succubus.

“Relocate your vehicle, or I shall do so myself,” final warning, Uncle Alastor would be satisfied with such.

Lead succubus takes moment to regain composure, before meeting gaze, “Listen, I already gave you my answer. If you can’t handle a week without that little bitch’s car in its precious parking spot, go find a black market dealer and swallow a bullet from an angelic weapon.”

Course decided. Will fix error in parking lot, then return to office.

When: One hour later

“Nice of you to come in, Jacques!” Blitz snaps as self enters primary meeting room.

Open mouth to offer explanation, but upraised hand prompts silence as Blitz goes on nonsensical plan regarding wager with lead succubus. How do eagles and geese factor into killing humans? If minimum required humans are dead, why bother with boat?

Moxxie and Blitz begin routine argument, when Loona interrupts before either can reach painful registers, “Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?”

Curious, Loona yet to express interest in partaking since my hiring. Blitz seem less curious, “Absolutely not, I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry sweetie, spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who drool all over you.”

“Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along.”

“Wait, say that again?”

“‘I can blend in’?”

“Do you have a human disguise?” Millie inquired.

“Yeah, don’t you?”

“Unknown, I have not attempted such,” self was the only coworker to reply. Blitz, Moxxie, and Millie remained silent, prompting outraged response from Loona.

“You mean you guys have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time, without human disguises?!”

“Okay new plan!” Blitz spoke while pulling out fresh paper and drawing poor rendition of Loona and humans. “Looney can help lure the humans to us, and we’ll take care of the rest. M’kay, how about that?”

“Flawless logic,” Millie stated.

“It makes more sense than the prior… plan,” offered agreement.

“I think you’re missing the biggest issue, Sir. Isn’t it crucial to have a client that demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren’t just going up to massacre,” Moxxie argued.

“I got that covered, Mox,” Blitz stated with exaggerated gestures.

When: One hour later

Portal opened under pier at stereotypical beach. Not at a location self visited during life. Observed Loona take human form. Carefully sensed how she manipulated her power. Should be able to duplicate, but questionable if technique would function in Hell. Loona moving, modulate/moulde power to duplicate effect…

Success, body outwardly resembles body possessed in life. Check of muscle tensions suggests physical capabilities unaffected by reassuming human guise. Method requires continual concentration, high stress levels may disrupt. Emotional control required to achieve best effect.

Succubus starting concert, would explain plan to win irrelevant wager. Plans to argue all coitus in crowd counts for succubus tally. Blitz would argue, succubus appeal to building manager or threaten with her hellhound. Decent plan, still irrelevant.

Obtain multiple kills. Blitz and Loona distracted, Millie and Moxie moving towards buildings. Move towards crowd, still some targets within, chaos of unscheduled orgy sufficient to hide deaths. Three snapped necks, two collapsed windpipes before interrupted.

“Hey big boy,” familiar voice. African skin tone, human disguise, rotound succubus from before.

Rage, hate, frustration welling, making maintaining disguise difficult. Choking sounds, succubus clawing at hand around her neck. Could kill succubus, despite demonic resilience, but would result in complete breaking of disguise. Will take consolation prize.

Succubus will no longer insult, lacks tongue to do so. Five more targets in sight, Loona and Blitz speaking to succubus’s hellhound. Moxxie found by… Moxxie is not an opossum… assumed intelligence level of college students proved to be too high, despite already low estimation.

Despite death, surge of relief at choosing to enter work force over “higher education” post high school graduation. Three targets, Millie approaching Moxxie’s location, focus on targets.

“Woah, J-Man, it’s been years!”

Aggravation, target recognized self. “Richmond.”

“Damn, never thought I’d see you at a place like this, you never came to any of the parties in high school. Nice to see you finally getting out of your shell.”

Too many observers, need to draw D̡̥̱̊̎͘i̭͍ͤ͆͡͡p̡̩̝̓̉͘s̞͍̒̿́͡h̡̢͙̮ͧ̂i̡̢̜̤̊̅t̸̝̘͐͛͟ away from crowd. Attention drawn by something movi…

How did a giant fish monster get from Hell to beach? Attention off self and target, form hand into cone, pierce through rib cage, lacerate heart. Surge of satisfaction, annoyance throughout childhood now deceased. Millie climbing up fish monster. Moxxie sent through air, caught by Blitz. Rejoin Blitz, Moxxie and Millie as succubus’s group does same.

Blitz and lead succubus banter, succubus concedes irrelevant wager. Millie opens portal, head through back to Imp city. Portal closes, turn to strutting Blitz.

“May I say what I had been about to when I entered the office?”

“What? Oh, sure, sorry about that Jacques, what’s up?”

“I saw the incorrect vehicle in the parking spot, the owner refused to relocate it after I requested they do so. Thus, I relocated it for them.”

Millie, Loona, and Blitz all turn to stare at self, Moxxie collapse into pile on ground. Blitz first to speak, “So, you’re saying that all the trouble we went through up there in order to win back our parking space… and you’d already put our van in our parking space?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, one last question: what’d you do with Verosika’s car?”

Point across street, to dumpster containing compacted vehicle, size of vehicle precluding closing lid on dumpster. Blitz begins laughing uncontrollably. Moxxie giggles due to excessive alcohol consumption.

Where: D.H.O.R.K.S. Headquarters, outside New Orleans, Louisiana, U.S.A., Earth

When: April 13th, 1832 hours

Who: Agent One

“We got more footage of the demon scum,” Agent Two said as she came in with two cups of coffee, handing me one.

“Thanks,” I muttered as I pulled up the new footage. All of it was raw cellphone footage, more shit that Corporate would brush under the rug. But the fact that there was a human among the demons was a new development.

“We got anything on this guy?” I asked as I pointed to the human on the screen.

“A few of the boys are trying to put together enough to run facial recognition, but to be honest I’m not sure we should be expectin’ much. You know how Corporate’s goin’ to respond,” Agent Two pointed out.

I grunted, but didn’t say anything. She was right. Damn near the only way Corporate would take us seriously would be either a demon gift wrapped for them or a building full of corpses. I was in the middle of taking a drink of my coffee when there was a chime from the computer.

“Looks like facial recognition had a hit after all,” I said as I pulled up the results.

My jaw dropped in shock as I looked at the file on the screen. The hit had come from the Employee Database, one Jacques LeBlanc, age 19, marked as having died about sixteen months prior.

“I don’ believe it,” I heard Agent Two mutter as she looked at the screen over my shoulder.

“It can’t be, we helped identify the body!” I all but shouted.

“What little body was left… you don’t think…”

“What?” I asked, turning to look back at Agent Two, who had her hand on her chin as she thought.

“We were certain that body was Jacques’s… but here he is sixteen month later with not so much as a scar from what the Byrd Gang creeps said they’d done to him… I feel bad for even suggesting this… but what if he didn’t get to go through the pearly gates?”

“You’re suggesting that Jacques did something bad enough to be sent to Hell and is now working for the demons? Agent Two, you know as well as I do that Jacques would never do that. He was so polite, even when the job got to us and we took it out on him, he never raised his voice!”

“I don’t like it either, One. But we have to consider all the possibilities. I don’t think it’s really Jacques, but whether or not I do you know someone is going to say it. So we gotta be prepared for someone painting our old janitor as a traitor to humanity.”

I sighed, but Two was right. Jacques was a saint, he didn’t deserve what that gang did to him. His memory didn’t deserve to be sullied by these demons. That thought steeled my resolve, even more than the nature of the job already had. Those fucking demons were going to pay for screwin’ around with the image of one of the best men I’d ever known.