It's a Fine Life...! (Patreon)

…Carrying the Banner!

I literally just spent about, like, 3 minutes trying to come up with a fun way to introduce the word “banner” into some sort of Dad Pun. The best I could conjure was a reference to 1992’s Newsies. Catchy song, from actually, a perfectly fine little musical. Yeah, that’s Christian Bale, 30 years ago. Weird that he looks exactly like Christian Bale, but… like, a miniature Christian Bale?

Any-old-who. I’ve been doing some sprucing lately. It’s been a gateway. Sprucing to my life, to my personal affairs, all that stuff? Things are just a ruddy mess, and they’re not gonna be clean until you rid the excess, and install the shelving that’ll make things, if not more minimize, at least a bit more well-organized.

This ritual is coinciding with year four of being on Patreon. June of 1947 was the first time I showed my presence on this site. I never knew the old Patreon before the war, with its Strauss music, its glamor and easy charm. Now, the website — it was divided into four zones, you know — each occupied by a power: the American, the British, the Russian and the French. All strangers to the place and none of them could speak the same language. Except a sort of smattering of German. Good fellows on the whole, did their best you know. Oh, I was gonna tell you, wait, I was gonna tell you about Heather Beck, an American. Came all the way here to visit a friend of hers, and…

Shit. I got off course. Damn you, Mr. (different) Green(e)!

See, it’s been a while since All The Things happened, and who the hell knows what year it is, or was, or will be. I guess, what I meant to say before I got on my The Third Man kick there, was that it was 2018. Four years! Seems like an eternity, but yesterday, too, and all that brewing nostalgia.

But where was I, again. Oh, yes, spring cleaning. So, I’m doing some polishing, y’see. That message new Patreons get is a little stale, and doesn’t represent my appreciation the way it used to. Better to bring it up to date, use a voice I’ve learned to love adopting.

Better, too, to take a little more time on self-care. I’m not going to say that not-smiling is an exercise in being morose. But, it’s nice to flex your face muscles from time to time, while still ignoring the forces of the world that subtly inform you that you’d just be prettier if you did so more. I will when I like, thank you much, and I’m sure y’all know that.

And then, the bing-bang-boom — the entranceway to the site, my own personal version of the big arch that awaits at the entrance to DisneyWorld. (Or better, HeatherLand?) I’m referring to, of course, the banner. It’s been sitting there for a looooong time, and I guess very few of you have noticed it. A demure (and awesome) sketch over here; same goes for over there.

But you know what? I figured out that I deserve something better. A little treat! Something that I can share with all of you.

Ended up sparking a collaboration with a pretty talented dude: a fella who goes by the name of @BDzart (on Twitter). A lot of his stuff isn’t necessary SFW ya understand, but his mix of erotic appreciation, combined with an overall sense of chill, resulted in a process that wasn’t just rewarding in the end… but fun while it was going on.

With that, I’m going to walk you through the process. I’ll cease the rambling.

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So the first step was to get the idea out there! A banner, with a series of images that reflect the daily essence of your dear Heather Beck.

“What do you like to do?”

Ohh… that’s a good question. I boiled it down to… four key things: ukulele; writing; drinking wine; and… oh… it’s like, I didn’t want to pick something cliche like “travel.” Who DOESN’T like traveling? Which, to be fair, I get it — I’m a freaking homebody. But! Something else… What could it be…

“Bras!”

It’s a love/hate relationship. I love my over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. Can’t live without them, to be honest! An hour with them on? Not so great, because underwires are the devil! An hour without them? Not so great, because support is nice, and 20 pounds of boobage isn’t light! But, since they’re a big part of my life? Might as well pay homage!

Bras it was.

The smalltalk was concluded, and the basic instructions were administered. I paid the first half of my deposit, and waited for my phone to ping.

This is the fun part.

BDzart didn’t disappoint. A flexible creative, he sent along a number of sketches for each scenario, plus a bonus panel for my fifth passion, “general stumbling about.” It’ll probably be best to just list each out with my in the moment brain droppings, along with some parentheticals.

1. Wine

I did mention that it would be hysterical if there was some form of spillage in the image — not uncommon for me, whether it comes to the contents of glasses or cups! — so that’s what we went for, overall.

My mind went no No. 1 for a moment, because of the whole-body relaxed-ness of it. But…I’m much more of a slouch forward type of person; if anything, this made me a little too undeservedly ephemeral. Two was closer, but come hither, after that much wine? Almost... but only sometimes...Then, No. 3… Ahh… that’s me. And yes, I do carry around my own bottle. (Keeps it away from thieves.) One note? Make me a little more embarrassed. Because this exact situation has happened before, but just outside of eyeshot (below the horizon, and it’s a LONG time before I notice that I’ve got a half a bottle of cab stained into my shirt. In victory, you deserve wine; in defeat, you need it.

2. The Ukulele

It was between Nos. 1 and 2. But I always went back to 1. The angle worked for me, the wryness of the smile (that I could only HOPE to achieve should I ever be three sheets around a campfire). Get enough hooch in me, and I might be persuaded to Wonderwall the shit out of you. But it wouldn’t be great, and it wouldn’t be un-awkward for all involved.

Plus, I love the way he treated the placement of the uke. I’ve said this before, but bra + ukulele does NOT = being able to play it, unless I crane my arms into some truly prehuman geometries. Another reason I don’t play the ukulele in public — it’s seldom that I’m hanging around other people without Nat and Olga thusly harnessed, so it’s a solo activity. But, who knows — gotta work your way out of your comfort zone, right?

So, No. 1 it is. Just felt it in my bones.

3. Writing

This one was a little more tricky for me. Love it as a do, I could exclude No. 2: I’ve tried, God knows, to use the girls as a desk, but it’s murder on the wrists. 4 is actually pretty accurate! The more unattractive version is that I mush a pillow under my sternum to give a bit more elevation. So if I have Snowpiercer on in front of me, and am just responding to some work emails? Yeah, I do that! The only reason we decided not to go with this one, really, was the angle. Just didn’t work with the rest in the banner. Unification is Glory! So, 1 and 3. It was just 60/40 for No. 1. I loved the expression, middle of the workday, and yeah, accuracy as well — resting the girls on the table/desk is something I just DO (plus, they can be GREAT bagel holders!). It hit close to home in a good way. Plus, I look cute in glasses.

4. Changing Clothes!

This was a TRICKY one! It was truly 50/50 between Nos. 1 and 2. The mirror one? Love it! (The holding-the-shirt one is great, too… But I THINK you guys might be a little happier with seeing the N&O? Still, that IS my expression when I'm like, "Should I... Nah... CAN I wear this?") I think the tipping point — and this was a last minute change — was that the top-down one was just so unique. Plus, BDzart had some plans for clothing scattered on the floor, which is DEFINITELY my style. An uncluttered person I absolutely am NOT. AND! It gets the top-down bosomy-ness that we passed over in the writing section. Gotta at least have ONE pic with top-down bosomy-ness!

5. Random Stuff

Didn’t actually expect this collage. Was just thinking it would be a quartet of images (and such a big Yay for that!). But, the muse influenced, as muses sometimes do, and these came from the aethers. BDzart was fond of No. 4; I was partial to all of them. In the end, I loved the “from behind” view. Why? Not sure. It was unexpected. Demure, but with an erotic tint to it, which I have been really learning to enjoy. No. 2 was my personal favorite overall. But at this point, as was the case, sort of, with all of these, sacrifices had to be made to ensure a sense of cohesion to the whole thing. I’m happy with the decision — I think it works out quite well.

6. THIS ONE.

This was the “rough draft” of the center image, the one that was done first, based on a bunch of reference material I’d sent, and the one that set the “tone” for the rest of them.

You guys know me. I’m not a self-absorbed person (at least, I really hope I’m not. Best of my abilities, and all that). But this one kinda knocked my socks off. It’s one of those “Hoooly shit, that kinda… captures my soul, doesn’t it” kinda things. It just popped up on the screen, and I kinda made a little shriek. The color one is great, too. Love both of them. But this black and white one was just a whole big bag of “Wow, that’s the school teacher I’d love to have, even though she only gives be C-’s.”

Or, so I’ve been told.

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The selections were made, and the work was completed. The result is the banner you see at the head of this Patreon, and at the top of this post. I couldn’t be happier. I was given full-res versions of each pic, which is great — I think I’ll do myself a favor and write a five-paragraph short story (one of my favorite blitz formats) for each of them. Stay tuned for those.

In the meantime, as for the runners up? Check my Twitter, @thatheatherbeck, where you can see a banner I made all by myself (limited Photoshop skills and all!). The sketch format seemed appropriate there. Fits the “unfinished” “let’s have some fun” vibe. (Fun and Twitter, not two words that usually go together well in the year 2022. But we try.) Here it is, just in case you’re a wise person who never uses that God-forsaken platform.

Phew! The long and short of it? This was fun. I got to work with a fun creative on a project, and the result was born from collaboration, good humor, a few jokes, a bit of getting to know each other, and just… ideas. Cool ideas. The kinds of ideas that come out into the open when two people are talking about making pictures of giant boobies, and nobody present thinks that’s, like, weird, or anything. There’s a reason I enjoy collaborating with eroticisists — these are the folks who get the (for lack of a better word) “kink” out onto the paper. Nothing left to hide, the rest is just a big old bunch of batting thoughts around. And then, sometimes, you end up with results like this. I’m happy: with this 1,600x400 banner, but also, with the fact that such a process still maintains itself as a constant in a world where (at least in my experience) it’s so easy to think that we’ve gone Pure Handmaid.

And then! It makes me happy, too, because I was ABLE to do it. I paid real money, and was happy to do so. (I LOVED supporting independent artists during Covid, because I’ve been there myself and know what it feels like when the work dries up.) The REASON I was able to afford this bit of fun is because you guys are generous. Thank you: this belongs to all of you, too, and I hope this rectangle gives you a bit of fun, giddy joy, the same as it gives me.

And hey, do me a favor. I’d love to know which you would have picked. The deed is done, and I’m pleased. But if you find yourself with a wild hair in yer butt, leave a comment below — chalk it up to market research.

Love y’all. — H