Crush (Patreon)

Normally, I would say a little something here, but I think all the details made it into the video.

I think the first time I saw something like this was on some YouTube clip a friend sent me a little while back. I think it was from some daytime talkshow from the 1990s? Jenny Jones, or something? Anyway, she had this dancer on the show, who had positively monster boobs, and her trick was that she could crush a whole line of beer cans, one after the other. (Giant melons, sensationalist daytime TV, AND crushed beer cans? What could be more American than that? This must be why the terrorists hate us.)

I think she actually did it braless, too, which I can NOT get my head around. Like, you can stand on an aluminum can. And when they crumple, you get all of these sharp edges. I know that I don’t want boob stitches! 😭

So, in the spirit of all of those great “don’t try this at home,“ shows that I grew up with, and using my unique position as quite the global thought leader in the field of boob science, I took all the necessary precautions.

And now, I have a pretty solid party trick for when the world opens back up, which is never a bad thing. My Christopher Walken impression SUCKS, so this is probably the next best thing?