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Bonus 18 - Halloween Strategies (Patreon)

Published:
2019-10-29 05:35:04
Edited:
2020-02-17 15:18:11
Imported:
2021-07

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Content

It's a Halloween round of scenarios and our strategies to deal with them! Play along!

Comments

Anonymous

I love the remake the bad movie question. John Huston used to say that people should remake "near misses" and good ideas gone wrong. Along with Plan 9, I would love to know what horror films people would remake. A puppeteer and I sat in a kitchen on Halloween Night at a party eating candy and reworking Halloween III. Needless to say, a change in locale, time period, and the addition of a mechanized headless horseman later, we solved the problems and created art.

Jeff C. Carter

Even if there were no extra superpowers associated with being a werewolf, I would use my immortal nature (barring silver) to work dangerous high paying jobs until I could buy a wolf proof secret dungeon to lock myself in during the full moon. After that I’d have the rest of the month to be human.

Anonymous

"One pill will make you a werewolf, one will make you a vampire…" And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all Go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall…

Anonymous

I wouldn't take off my shoes in a theatre but I'm going to speak up for the people who take their shoes off in a plane. I'm not putting my feet up or anything, my shoes and my feet are under the seat in front of me, not directly visible to anyone and it's marginally more comfortable than keeping them on. Stinky feet are a separate, personal hygiene issue, but my twisted, misshapen, but clean feet have the right to breathe free!

Anonymous

I once got on a bus from Galway to Dublin (about two hours). It was pretty full when a hippyish couple got on (pretty standard for a bus from Galway and I'm usually pretty well disposed toward them) and asked a lady if she could move seats so they could sit together. I thought it was kind of rude but they were reasonably polite about it. Then the dude took off his shoes. His bare feet were so dirty and gross. It annoyed me so much.

Anonymous
>>28381989

I love Halloween III. I think the anger towards it is largely based on it being called Halloween III.

Anonymous

This is the best topics show yet! You can legit turn most of these ideas into short stories!

Anonymous

Great episode! We have a couple guys that clip their nails in our office, and I had to move into one of their cubicles D: did not like what I found. Good thing we have an office vacuum. I find myself hoping they were fingernails, because toenails seem way worse, probably for the same reason that I agree bare feet should not be inflicted on the wider public. No one's feet. A compromise of clean sock feet is tolerable. For horror movie world I'd be in: Event Horizon, because you get all the in-system space travel, without xenomorphs or predators, just stay away from that one ship, right? I think I'd choose being a ghost, but only if I wasn't bound to one location because that could get so boring. Maybe haunt an item, like a painting, so you could move from place to place. Otherwise I'd go with werewolf to avoid the unpleasant limitations of ghost or vampire. Werewolves in human form are usually depicted as stronger and faster than normal humans, right? That'd be nice to have without exercise, so yeah, now I'm thinking werewolf.

Steve
>>28384376

I take my shoes off on long haul flights. It's so much more comfortable. I'm not sure I can get away with the slippers, smoking jacket and pipe anymore.

Steve

The Frankenstein thing explains why Chris comes round my house every Autumn. Also, one of my wife's friends bought a place that had been owned by a dentist. There might have been a surgery in the house, because the back garden had loads of teeth in it.

Steve

Why just one? Can't you have a threesome?

Anonymous

You guys are damed funny 😄

Anonymous

Wow. I work at a movie theater and have heard complaints about both people taking their shoes off and people clipping or biting off and spitting out their fingernails.

Anonymous

Grossest complaint at the theater so far: The person next to them was getting a handy from their girlfriend. The movie hadn't started yet and the lights were still up.

Anonymous

I would go vampire. I mean, I am a lesbian already. Lesbian Vampire? Oh yes! And if I met a Witch at a party, I'd ask him what tradition he followed - Reclaiming, Feri, Stregheria, British Traditional, etc... - or if they were an eclectic like myself.

Anonymous

I would take the ghost and werewolf pills together and become the ghost of a werewolf, obviously.

Anonymous

See, I figured Chad was hedging his bets. Pick werewolf and if something goes wrong at least he has a chance to become a ghost werewolf. But if you pick Vampire, your only backup plan is picking up a nickname like Ash or Dusty. Hardly worth it.

Anonymous
>>28396243

Makes sense. Vampire bats don't actually *suck* blood--they nibble and lick!

Anonymous

I would be a vigilante vampire, only drinking the blood of murderers. Kind of like a Dexter of Ghouls.

Anonymous
>>28402939

I would be a vampire cop. There is a precedent after all...

Anonymous

A crafty woman with cosplay supplies listens to the Halloween Strategies show. Is it possible she'll show up to NecronomiCon 2021 dressed as Chris Lackey?

Anonymous

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY want to write a short story based on finding a Halloween costume of oneself.

Anonymous

You guys missed the obvious strategy to save Matt from a haunting or a beating - simply tell the ghost, “Back off, you no-business, born-insecure, junkyard-haunting motherf*cker! I got Dolemite on speed dial!” If that doesn’t work to scare off the ghost, you can at least get Dolemite to deliver the Burriesci beatdown and avoid getting your hands dirty.

Anonymous

I have a scenario for you two. You're walking on the beach alone and you find an old, dirty lamp in the sand. You pick it up and start rubbing it to see what kinda metal is under the grime and, with smoke and sparks, a genie pops out! She thanks you and explains she was imprisoned in there for over a millenium and she can go home now, but while she was trapped she saved up just enough power for one wish. She'll grant you one wish, whatever you want. Now obviously you're gonna wish for lasting world peace and prosperity. You're not some kinda asshole. But she winces and explains that's a pretty big wish. She can grant it, but she'll have to balance the scales a little by giving you a personal drawback--and ages ago all the genies got together and made a binding magical agreement on what drawbacks all the big wishes get. You'll have to transform your junk into an animal dick, and everyone in the world will know all about it. You'll get to choose what kind, but it'll have the average dimensions for an example of its species and it'll work the same way it does for them (even though it fires human ammo). If you go with a dog, you'll have a knot that locks you into your partner when you're intimate. If you go duck you'll lose the backup singers and just have a barbed corkscrew that explodes out of your body when you're aroused. If you go octopus you'll have a reproductive tentacle you can rip off and throw at people and it'll grow back, and etc. Now you're taken aback at first, of course, but you eventually realize you'll have to take one for the team. You're not gonna *not* give everyone world peace, are you? So, what animal dick and/or balls do you get? Oh, and I should preempt you by pointing out that apes have *really* tiny dicks. A silverback gorilla's dick is only two, three centimeters long. ... ...How I know that off the top of my head is my damned business.

Jeppe Mulich

Best episode ever. Please make this a recurring Halloween tradition!

Anonymous

Lovely work, gents. I think we need to get clear on the time travel thing. Once you can time travel, there is no past or future because the only present that matters is whatever damn time you like - it's whenever you happen to wanna hang your hat. And there's no reason that would or should be the time you started out in. It would behoove you, though, to get checking on the future pretty quick 'cause you're gonna want all the very best inoculations you can get your hands on lest you go all War of the Worlds Martians on yourself while checking in on some sweet sweet history. As for monster choice, I reckon you're best off just avoiding ghost. Vampy or wolfy, you can make yourself some friends any time you get lonely. And, you know, maybe just take over instead of hiding in the shadows.

Jason Thompson
>>28390695

But in the Event Horizon universe, hell exists! That sucks! (Unless this implies the existence of heaven, but in that movie I doubt it)

The Screaming Moist

The slightly accusatory, “I hope you’re happy” at the end there made me laugh so hard I spit out my coffee.

Anonymous

On my own very terrible podcast, we did our Halloween bonus episode as us watching Plan 9 From Outer Space. If Plan 9 was that terrible, then I’d love to know how bad plans 1-8 were. My boyfriend, who can’t even pronounce “pituitary” was the only one who picked up on the actual plot. Still, it’s a classic in its own right. Speaking of Chad becoming a werewolf, I’d love to see you guys remake WolfCop! Another fantastic episode.

Anonymous

I may have missed this in a previous comment, but when discussing the odds of something happening in the Star Wars Universe, the correct response would be, "Never tell me the odds!" Nailing that reference would have been like bulls-eyeing womp rats in my T16 back home.

Anonymous

On doing the devil's work--my recommendations for spreading minor annoyance involve making people wait longer for things than they reasonably should need to: 1. Pause unnecessarily in the doorways of buses and trains while entering or exiting to consult maps, phones, timetables. 2. Try to pay at the supermarket with one or more credit cards you know won’t work. Pretend for as long as possible that the problem can be solved by reducing the amount, returning items one at a time. 3. When ordering fast food, ask unnecessary questions and change your mind early and often. 4. If you’re walking on a crowded sidewalk, go slow. If you’re with a friend, walk slowly side by side, spreading out as far as possible without actually allowing room to walk between you. Change your speed at random intervals and, occasionally, stop suddenly. By no means walk in a straight line. 5. When posting recipes on the internet, begin with a thousand-word personal essay on vaguely related childhood memories. 6. For a personal touch, miss as many deadlines for your work on shared projects as you can get away with.

Anonymous
>>28524334

5. Also Followed by the discovery that it's all american measures and I live in a metric country (or vice versa, I'm sure)

Anonymous

I take my shoes off in the airplane when I'm sitting next to a person I know. I think that's more acceptable than whippin out my toes next to a stranger.

Anonymous

First of all, these strategies episodes are gold, keep them coming. Secondly, choose the Star Trek universe. You get to live in a fully automated luxury space socialist utopia AND if you want to rough it in the Star Wars universe you can just use the holodeck. The Star Trek universe not only has the highest quality of life, but also contains within it all other possible fandom universes. Finally, the problem of one's spouse and one's parent switching bodies is a doozy. The solution is obviously to have oneself placed in a medically induced coma.

Anonymous

PS - Chris I'm crossing my fingers that you and Rachel will cover TNG on Rachel Watches Star Trek.

Anonymous
>>28761568

Me too! I listened to a few episodes of Rachel Watches Star Trek. But the problem is I just don't like the original series very much, in spite of having watched it on reruns in childhood. I am a much bigger fan of TNG. So I would definitely listen to every episode of RWTNG.