War Is Bad! 02 (Patreon)

"We should be safe her... for now." Tsukumo grits her teeth. "Now can you please explain what happened back there? And what you are...?"

Saber, who's eyes are focused on my crotch, nods. "Yes, I'm also curious. A normal person wouldn't be able to fight a Servant." I'm wearing clothes now by the way, I just think this poor girl got traumatized.

I put a hand on my chin. "So about what happened back on the train... I ended up fighting the Servant and forcing her to retreat with a Command Seal. I never learned her true name either, but she showed two Noble Phantasms."

"One is called Papiyas, Demon King Of The Sixth Heaven, and the other one is called Three Line Formation. She's a counter for people with divinity. I think." I really need to get a normal sword.

If I had one, I wouldn't have needed my Authority to defeat her back there. Though I guess I could have also stopped her from summoning the weird domain thing in the first place.

Tsukumo grits her teeth. "Oda Nobunaga...! That has to be Oda Nobunaga!" For real!? She was a girl though! "Though at least you can defeat her... Actually I don't even know if that's a good thing or not."

I wave her off. "Don't worry about it, I won't attack you unless you give me a reason to." Now, summoning Saber is a pretty big crime, but I might as well take Tsukumo as a combo.

Which brings me to my next point. "And as for what I am... I am the Campione of Japan. Are you familiar with the term?" Saber doesn't seem to be at least, since she's looking more confused than anything. So either they didn't exist when she was alive, or she never heard of them.

Tsukumo however, gasps. "That's...!" And then glares at me. "Absolute bullshit!" Eh? "Japan never had a Campione, unless you count Luo Hao as one. And that... that bitch has done absolutely nothing even when China was invaded!" Hey, don't insult my siblings.

Even if I'm surprised they haven't shown up. I guess fighting normal soldiers is meaningless to them? "Well, I don't blame you for being surprised by my existence. You see, I'm from two years in the past! I time traveled!" And instead of seeing cool flying cars I saw hell.

Seriously, it's kind of crazy how the world has degraded in two years. Even this shitty hotel we are in feels ancient. I must put a stop to this and reclaim the joy of video games before it's too late.

Her eye twitches. "Stop lying to me dickhead..." Ah, why are you being so mean!? I did think you were similar to Rin, but right now you feel like the Hyde to her dere side!

Saber raises a hand. "Um... Master, I don't want to interrupt you, but what exactly is a Campione anyways?" Yeah, as I expected she doesn't know.

Tsukumo sounds spiteful as she responds. "They're humans who killed gods and ascended beyond humanity, gaining incredible power. As you can see by the state the capital is in, they don't concern themselves with normal humans."

"So far not a single Campione has lifted a finger to stop the war, even though they could do it with zero effort... The most they have done is slaughter whatever side tried recruiting them." Those guys probably disrespected them in some way.

I raise an eyebrow. "So you want a Campione to side with Japan and win the war for you?" I don't really like that. War shouldn't have winners, it feels wrong in someway. So I'll stop all sides and kill however did the most atrocious and call it a day.

She shakes her head, to my surprise. "No, I don't care. I just want the war to stop already... It's clear that we lost, but people still want to drag-out the war. They're just throwing people into the meat grinder for pride at this point."

She looks down. "That's why... Stop lying to me. I don't care if you're a super powerful Dead Apostle Ancestor or whatever, I won't make trouble of it. But... please help me." Oh?

"I want to win the Holy Grail War so I can wish for a brighter future for everyone, and you may be the ticket for it. That's why... please help me. I don't really have anything to offer, but I will be selfish enough to ask." Desperation huh?

Saber looks away with hurt eyes. "Master..." Now that I think about it, Tsukumo isn't putting any trust in her Servant, is she? She must have really low stats then.

But about her wish... "I don't mind helping, but I really am a Campione. I mean has everyone already forgot about 2003!? I was super active! I basically hijacked this ritual!" If they really did forget me, then I'm sort of offended.

She bites her lip. "Still on that...? It would be hard to remember a Campione from 2003 when it's 1945!" Did our calendar get all messed up too!?

Wait... Nazis... and it's 1945... and everything is super old... including that gun... and Japan supposedly never had a Campione... "Oh! I'm in the past! That makes way more sense. I don't know where I was going with the previous theory! My bad!" So this is just World War II...

I have to kill Hitler! I must not miss the chance of cucking him out of killing himself! Also, I guess I should probably stop the two nukes or whatever. Huh, I wonder if this is a parallel universe or not.

Tsukumo takes a step back. "So you're saying you're a Campione from the future... Is that really it?" Why is me being from the future more believable than me being from the past!?

I nod. "Yep, yep! I even used my authority to beat Nobunaga!" I smile. "Anyways, I'll be stopping the war for you, but I'll also be taking the grail. You see, I now have a new wish for it." That wish is simple. Take me to the present and bring my new concubines with me.

Though that means I won't be able to kill every Servant of course. Nobunaga and Saber are safe as far as I'm concerned, which means my targets are the others. Hopefully that will be enough for the Holy Grail.

There's silence for a moment, but Tsukumo relents. "Sure. As long as the war stops I don't care about the grail." She bows. "Many thanks Lord Shibata." Suddenly there's a lot more respect on her voice.

Saber gasps. "What a change in attitude!" She then looks at me. "Well, I guess we are allies now. Normally I would object to such a decision, but if my Master is up to it... then I guess that's that." A loyal one huh.

I sigh and mumble. "Man, I wish I had gotten my own Command Seals." She must have gotten hers right as she started summoning Saber, how lucky of her. I however, always seem to get rejected it.

Well, even if I did summon a Servant, without a catalyst it would only be Cleopatra again. And I can't have two Cleopatra's that would be super unfair to the first Cleopatra! And also the second one when you really think about it!

Still, speaking of fairness. "By the way Tsukumo, tell me Saber's true name." I'm still not wholly convinced she isn't Artoria. I guess she's a lot less tsun than the knight, but that doesn't mean much.

Saber frowns. "I don't think that's a good id-" But she gets cutoff.

"It doesn't matter Saber. As a Campione, Lord Shibata could probably take on all Servants at once and win anyways. Concealing your name will give us no advantage in case our alliance falls through." Yeah, pretty much.

"So, I'm sure her blue coat has given somewhat of a hint." Why would it!? "But I'll confirm it, she's a member of the Shinsegumi. Okita Souji to be more specific." Ah, that makes sense.

I look at Saber. "You're the swordsman who died of tuberculosis or whatever? It's weird that you even qualified for the throne." And also that you're a woman, but with Artoria and Nobunaga's existence, maybe I just shouldn't question it.

She looks away. "I guess you're right. I'm not exactly a strong Servant either." That's to be expected from a Servant so modern. I just hope her tuberculosis isn't contagious! I don't want to catch that!

I pat her head. "Oh, don't feel so bad! I'm sure you will do great in your new job!" She blushes and raises an eyebrow, clearly wondering what I'm talking about. "You and your Master are now my concubines after all!" Maybe I shouldn't stick my dick in someone with tuberculosis, but we all make mistakes.

Okita immediately takes a step back. "Ah!? Sudden pervertedness!?" You did see me naked before, though I guess that was fairly innocent all things considered. "S-sorry, but I... Erm...!" She's sputtering.

Tsukumo however is just silently thinking. There is a prominent blush on her face, but she hasn't immediately rejected me like Okita. Could it be that I finally met a concubine who immediately understands her place!? Amazing!

Suddenly Okita's face becomes completely serious, it's almost creepy. "My apologies, but you are not my Master, so I won't obey your orders." She then goes back to her more expressive persona. "And seriously, who just straight up says that to a girl!?"

"I met my fair share of weirdos over my life, but this is a new one even for me!" Her lips tremble. "Though I guess any suitors I could have always avoided me anyways, 'cause... you know." Were they really worthy of you in the first place if they were afraid of risking their lives for the forbidden pussy!?

Tsukumo interjects. "So you would follow any order from your Master, Saber?" She's looking at Okita with a suspicious glare.

But Saber naively nods. "Yep! I promise that in this life I shall be your eternally loyal blade Master." She smiles. "As it has been pointed out, I'm weak, undeserving of the title of hero, but... I'm still a proud warrior who follows her lord." Ah, I'm so jealous!

I want a Servant! I really want one! Hah, my hand is even hurting slightly right now, as if my mind is trying to fake the feeling of a Command Seal. Sadly I shall not be tricked, I need to accept reality.

Tsukumo nods. "Got it, then here is my order. Become Lord Shibata's concubine together with me Saber." Wow, I'm controlling a subordinate with another subordinate!

Saber sends her a peace sign. "Of course!" And then it slowly dawns on her. "Eh!? You're for real, Master!?" The Servant is now hugging herself, no doubt thinking about the amazing things I'll do to her.

Tsukumo nods yet again. "Of course I'm serious. I was willing to lay down my life to stop this war, so it goes without saying that I won't hesitate to sell my body as well." Such will! It's hot! And cute!

Okita sputters. "B-but...!" And then she adopts her serious face again. "Understood." She lightly bows to me. "Please make use of my body as you wish Lord Shibata." And that serious face immediately disappears. "A-and be gentle and stuff! I never had sex before!"

"O-oh, and I'm pretty sure I can't pass on that anymore, so if I started coughing don't be scared! That said, sometimes I cough up blood, and I know that can be disgusting, so please forgive me in case that happens!" She sounds strangely excited about this now...

I squint my eyes in her direction. "You never had a boyfriend, did you?" She immediately recoils as if struck. It's seems I hit right on the mark, though I guess she basically had confessed to it with the no suitors talk.

Her lips are trembling. "Ah, yeah. I never had a boyfriend... or a girlfriend. While all my comrades were going outside and having fun, Miss Loserkita over here had to stay inside drinking her medicine and sneakily masturbating since I always used up all my energy on our missions." That's...

Sort of pathetic, but also understandable considering it's a medical condition and all. Actually when I think about it that way, it's not pathetic at all, just sad. Like really sad.

I pat her head. "Don't worry Okita, I'll teach you the pleasures of taking dick!" She looks down, her entire face down. "In fact... both of you, take your tops off right now! It's time to show y'all how I do things!"

Okita basically slaps my hand away. "Right here and now!? Awawawa..." Even as she complains, there is a slight perverted smile on her face. This girl is a mega virgin who has wanted to get laid for quite a while, isn't she?

Tsukumo takes a deep breath. "This... fine, let's do it!" She starts taking her top off, and throws it away, revealing her bra. "This is a cheap hotel, so we might as well use it like most people do!" Good point!

Okita is staring at her Master in awe. "N-no hesitation...! Even though there is no protection here she fearlessly marches forward!" Yes, we know Saber. Truly ending a war is a powerful motivator.

Tsukumo's eye twitches. "Don't mention the lack of protection! And start undressing already, Saber!" As she talks she already begins taking off her bra. It turns out she's actually fairly huge. Bigger than Rin at least.

Saber starts taking her coat off. "R-right...! Sorry!" I think her nervousness made her forget she can just ghost her clothes away. "I just wanted you to be aware that you can technically get pregnant!"

"Which would mean nine months of inactivity! And then you would have to raise your child, which would constantly eat away at your time." She sighs in relief. "Thankfully I don't have to worry about that!" She ends with a giggle.

Tsukumo glares at her. "I'll seriously kill you." At this point she has already taken her top off, so she puts her hands on her skirt and starts pulling it down. "And go faster, I don't want this to take the whole day."

Okita hesitantly nods. "Of course, Master!" She then looks at me. "B-by the way, I don't have super huge ones like Master, so please don't laugh or I'll kill myself!" She's takes off her another piece of clothing, revealing that she covers her boobs with bandages.

I smirk. "You have to be a very special man to laugh at boo-." A smell that is quickly becoming familiar hits my nose yet again, the smell of gunpowder.

I immediately dash to protect Tsukumo, trusting that Okita can handle herself. "You annoying cock blockers!" And expected suddenly someone from outside of the room starts firing bullets at us.

Okita masterfully defends herself with a katana that appeared out of nowhere. "Hey, don't interrupt me just as my popular phase started!" She sounds just as pissed as me as she takes down the wall.

It reveals a bunch of soldiers... or assassins in this case, and she doesn't hesitate to cut them down. Her face as cold as they come, it seems Okita is a natural man killer. I'm just pissed I couldn't find out whether she was a natural cock sucker too!

Tsukumo is desperately trying to cover herself, a blush on her cheeks. "Why did they wait until I was basically naked to fire!?" The only thing she's still wearing is her panties and her socks. What a sad state of affairs.

I clench my fists. "Yeah, it's pissing me off something fierce!" In fact I'm so mad that it almost feels like my hand is on fire. "Eh? Why is it glowing red!?" No way right, there's no way that...!

The room is enveloped in red light and mist, and even though I know it's just gonna be Cleopatra, I still get excited. The grail finally acknowledged my superiority! And I didn't even need to go beat it up!

Okita jumps back. "Here comes a dangerous one..." Is she scared of Cleopatra? She really is weak then.

To my surprise however, the smell of fire reaches my nose, and soon after the screams of men burning to death reaches my ears. Without a doubt this isn't something Cleopatra could, or would want to do.

The mist clears, revealing a beautiful black haired, blue eyed young lady. "Hello! Foreigner here! But, you can call... call me..." She's looking at me as if I was a ghost. "Eh? No way right? Is this a prank? A mean little prank?" Wow...

I immediately go pale. "I never had a girl look at my face and say it's a prank before. Should I kill myself now or later?" I need the comfort of my Dere Rin right now, or my mind might not heal.

Sadly I only have Tsun Rin, or Tsukumo as she is called. "Let's just get out of here already!" Well, she is right that we should probably move. The fire is spreading after all... it's also blue, which is probably not a good sigh. Still, for all that talk about hurrying, instead of just leaving she's putting her clothes back on.

Okita pats my shoulder. "Live. Live for my popular phase." You're really looking forward to getting laid, aren't you!?

The Servant... A Caster maybe? Is shaking, her whole body is. "W-wait! I didn't mean to insult you! I didn't mean to imply your face was a prank!" There are tears in the corner of her eyes. "I know I'm ditzy, but please don't misunderstand my words...!"

She suddenly hugs me. "And please never leave me again, my emperor!" The hug gets tighter. "Never go, never move, never leave my sight! Stay with me forever and ever! I promise to take care of you correctly this time!" What is she even yapping about?

I awkwardly pat her head. "Silly... erm... Caster. I'm not an emperor, I'm a king!" They're two very different things. Actually they're fairly similar, and I'm sort of glad she immediately realized the pecking order.

She starts nuzzling against me. "Oh my emperor, oh my beloved, you're an emperor, for you could be nothing else! Though I suppose if you wish to be a king as well... I'll grant your wish, you are the king of my heart!" Cool...?

Okita raises an eyebrow. "Maybe it was actually his popular phase!?" Well, now that you said it, I did get asked out for a date fairly recently.

The weird love struck girl continues. "And also, I'm no Caster my emperor! Your cute Yuyu has appeared as a Foreigner! And with these flames... I promise to protect you and enligh-" I cut her off.

"So you're not Japanese then? Well, it doesn't matter, I was asking for you class." I guess if she's not an Caster, she could be an Assassin? Saber, Archer and Lancer are out at least. Even if that Lancer was a disappointment.

She blinks in confusion. "O-of course I'm not from the Kingdom of Yamato. Your cute Yuyu is Chinese as always my emperor." Well, I just met you, so there was no way to know. "Also, I already told you my class."

"You didn't."

"I did. Hehe, you're so beautiful." I have a feeling communication will be difficult.

My eye twitches. "No you didn't. Or if you did it you didn't make it clear enough. So clear it up, because I'm a idiot who can't understand subtlety most of the time." Ah, even if she's annoying at least she's hot. Without a doubt her only match is Cleopatra herself. And speaking of her... why didn't she show up even though I didn't use a catalyst?

Yuyu gasps. "My emperor...! Who dared to make you feel like an idiot!? That's unacceptable! It's making me real mad!" She pouts. "But leaving that punishment aside, your Yuyu is a Foreigner." Yeah, I know. I just want to know her stupid class, damn it!

She starts giggling. "Yes, your cute Yuyu has returned as a Servant, as your Servant. As your Foreigner." Seriously, what's with this obsession from being from China!? "And so, now that we are forever connected, I swear to continue my role as your favored concubine!" I didn't even make you a concubine yet though...

And besides. "Well, I guess you can be a concubine, but there are no favorites amongst the Soviet Harem." Her face morphs into shock. "And even if there was, it wouldn't be you." It would be Rin. "I mean, you're a newcomer. Even Okita and Tsukumo over here are older." Even if only for a few moments.

Tsukumo sighs. "Please don't bring me into this. Besides, I'm pretty sure the Foreigner class doesn't exist." Of course it doesn't, it sounds super xenophobic, and one would hope the Holy Grail isn't a bigot.

Okita sends Yuyu a thumbs up. "Yep, experienced older sister Okita here! If you need help, just call me!" This girl is still a mega virgin by the way. Also, she sounds super happy for someone covered in blood.

Yuyu ends the hug, and slowly walk backwards. She groans as if someone penetrated her heart. "Ah... my heart...!" Wait, did an invisible enemy do it!? "I-I can't believe it...!"

She glares at the two women, and for a second the room gets hotter. "I-I was gone for so long that the second coming of my beloved replaced me with shining new models...!" Her lips are trembling, and she's clearly holding back tears.

"I mean, who needs a country bumpkin big sister when they have a cheerful happy girl covered in blood, and a scornful looking woman with a lustful body!?" Erm... everybody? "I... I was to get kicked to the second spot, but I straight got sent to third, or maybe even worse...!"

She looks at me. "Tell me my emperor, my life, my sin and my pleasure, my everything... how many concubines would you rank above me?" Zero? As I said before, the Soviet harem is a place of equal opportunity!

But if she's asking for seniority... "Well, it goes Rin, Sakura, Caren, Illya, Shiro, Luvia, Cleopatra, Skadi, Hakuno, Artoria, Tsukumo and then Okita." Wow, my harem is really big at this point.

She slowly looks to the ceiling. It catches on fire. "Its... its over for me!" And as she bursts into tears, the flames get worse. "Ah! I can't believe it! Is this what they call the legendary NTR!?" How do you even know that word!?

Okita, the supreme virgin, grins. "Heh, this experienced older sister can indeed steal men like someone steals candy from a baby." Yuyu's sorrowful cries get louder, and the flames get hotter.

"Okita, please stop making things worse."



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AN: Yuyu! Or Yang Guifei for those who don't know. She's actually one of the Servants who will 99% appear in the main canon, so this is a nice testing ground for her.