War Is Bad! (Patreon)

"Huh? Where am I?" I wake up to find myself inside of... a train? And a old style one at that. Could it be that I have been kidnapped!? Is this karma for kidnapping girls!? Nah, I didn't do anything wrong, so it can't be karma.

"W-who!? R-run away!" Oh, nice a cute girl is talking to me. She's a high schooler with black hair which immediately gives me Rin vibes. "You don't want to die, do you!?" She turns around grabs my hand.

I raise an eyebrow. "What are we supposed to be running away from?" Is she talking about the guy in the big heavy armor? Actually now that I think about it, why is there a guy in a big heavy armor anyways?

"The servant you weird idiot!" Well-... The what!?

I finally stand my ground, and slap her hand away. "What Servant!?" Did another one of the spots get stolen!? Ugh... Gilgamesh was already bad enough, and I could at least fix the Hakuno situation, but...

Suddenly I feel like something heavy is about to hit me, so I raise a hand and catch it. It turns out the big armored guy just tried cutting me in two with a equally big spear.

I turn my head around slightly. "Sorry, can you wait a second? I'm having a important conversation here, so I'll kill you later." I can respect a guy who will carelessly attack me of all people, but I'm busy.

His spear trembles on my hand. Is he already losing his nerve. "W-what...?" I ignore him. I know it's rude, but to be fair he was rude first. So I shall address him whem my conversation with the black haired girl is over.

I look back at her. "So, where is the Servant?" Though maybe I should be asking where the Master is instead. That's my main target, since I'm willing to spare and steal a Servant if they're hot or cool enough.

The girl slowly point behind me. "T-there. That's him." Why does she sound so incredibly shocked? "A-are you Saber? Did I summon you by accident...?" That's a weird misunderstanding.

I shake my head. "Nah, I'm just Yato." I then clench my hand around the spear, breaking it. Soon after I turn around. "Gonna be honest here, I still don't see him." I can only see the trembling armored man.

There's no way it's an Assassin right? I mean, I already summone Cleopatra. It can't be Caster, Saber or Archer too... That leaves Lancer, Rider, and Berserker, and none of those guys should be particularly subtle.

The armored guy takes a step back, he slowly drops his now broken spear. "I-I... I...!" Ah, he's probably feeling really disrespected right now, but maybe he should invest in a less shitty spear next time.

The girl takes a deep breath, as if gathering courage. "The man you just broke the spear off, he's a Lancer, a ps-." No way.

I burst out laughing. "You talkin' about this guy?" I point at him. "C'mon, he can't be a Lancer! He doesn't give Heroic Spirit vibes!"

He doesn't have Gilgamesh sheer aura of ego, or Cleopatra's supernatural beauty, or Skadi's overwhelming and yet subtle pride and disinterest, or even Saber's kingly charisma. He's just some dude in armor.

He raises a fist. "D-don't be a fool! I'm a proud warrior of the third reich who was given the great honor of hosting a Her-." I give him a light punch on the center of his body. "Hah?" And I end up opening a hole on the other side it.

The man falls dead. "See? He can't be a Servant. He's too weak." And also a nazi apparently. And surely nobody would waste a slot on a nazi of all things!? There aren't cute girls among the nazis!

The girl takes a step back. "A-are you really not Saber...?" Last time I checked I wasn't a incredibly cute blonde. In fact, I'm not incredibly cute at all... I'm handsome, which is very different.

I pout. "Didn't I tell you already? I'm just Yato. Yato Shibata to be specific. Anyways, can you please explain where we are already?" Unless she doesn't know as well. That would be fine, if annoying.

She slowly looks down, to the briefcase she's carrying. "How don't you know where you are? You're the one who suddenly showed up here..." I guess I did, didn't I? Did someone teleport me?

I just remember going to sleep, and then having a dream about two big... things. And then we had some weird talk about tentacles and how they were bad, Beasts, yada yada, I didn't really pay attention. In my defense, I was dreaming, who pays attention while dreaming!?

I shrug. "Sorry, I don't know how I got here in the first place. I'm assuming it's somewhere in Fuyuki though, 'cause the Holy Grail War is happening and all." Which means I can get home real fast!

She shakes her head. "You aren't in Fuyuki, amd why would that place matter for the war anyways?." Eh? I'm not? "Do you think this is related to the old war? Because it isn't! We are in Tokyo, but this has nothing to do with the war that happened two years ago!" Wait...

My eyes widen. "Holy shit..." There is only one reasonable explanation for this. "I'm in the future!" The war happened two years ago apparently, so surely I'm on the year of 2005!

She nods. "Yeah, probably. Because you're definitely a Servant!" I said I wasn't though. Why don't you believe me?

Suddenly someone gets up from behind one of the trains chairs, he looks wounded.. "I'm a proud soldier, so even if it costs my life...! Die!" He raises a gun, one who looks pretty old fashioned, and fires at me.

I turn around. "Is everybody rude in the future?" And I don't even bother blocking or dodging. It's just a normal bullet after all, so it hits me, bounces off, and ends up hitting the guy's throat.

He slowly falls to the ground as he chokes on his own blood. I turn around to continue talking with the girl. "I'm not a Servant. I mean, what the hell gave you the impression I'm one?" She immediately points at the corpses. "Ah, c'mon! That doesn't mean anything!"

She pouts. "Did I accidentally summon a Berserker...?" I think you might be the Berserker here. "Anyways, my name is Tsukumo Fujimiya, your Master!" She raises an arm. "And here is the proof, the Command Seals I carry!" There's one problem with that...

My eye twitches. "There are no Command Seals there, lunatic." She's just showing me her normal hand. Which is cool I guess, but I don't really have a fetish for this type of stuff anyways.

She stares at her hand in disbelief. "B-but... they were supposed to show up once I summoned it..." In her shock she even drops the briefcase, it hits the ground with a loud thud.

I give her a light flicker on the head, causing her to flinch. "Don't be stupid, even a guy like me understands that Command Seals show up before you summon a Servant, not after it." She should just be glad she didn't become a thief.

"B-but if I didn't summon a Servant... If you're not a Servant, then what are you?" So she finally accepted that I'm not a Heroic Spirit. That's good, I was beginning to believe it was impossible to get through her thick skull.

I grin. "Isn't it obvious? I am a Ca-." My instincts warn me once again of a incoming threat, they warn me of gunpowder.

This time though, I don't just stand still. Instead I turn around and start to actually defend myself from a few bullets. I don't have a weapon, so it's sort of complicated, but I don't want any of them to hit Tsukumo.

The gunfire eventually stops. "Now that's a Heroic Spirit's power..." Even if not exactly a strong one. At least I felt the sting of these bullets, like hundreds of mosquito bites. Except less deadly. Mosquitos are scary.

"Ahaha! I thought for sure catching you two off guard would be enough!" Slowly the Servant walks into the room. She gives of an aura of incredible bloodlust. Which looks sort of funny, because...

"Hah, you're short. Super short. Mega short. Fun sized." I cannot help, but point out that she's a little midget. I mean, she looks way too funny, wearing a military uniform, and having bloodthirsty red eyes while being Caren sized.

A gun appears on her hand... and many more appear behind her. Her bloodthirst gets even fiercer... My insult hit its mark I see. "I dislike you already, Servant." Ah! Not her too!

Why does everyone think I am one!? "Actually-" Her gunfire interrupts me. Yet again, I'm forced to start fighting back, mostly because of Tsukumo, who...

Turns around and runs. "Hold her back, I'll go summon Saber!" She still doesn't get that she can't do that without Command Seals!? Besides, if this is a new war, then I wanna summon new servants too!

Ah, I hope everyone doesn't get too mad about me disappearing for two years. "Hold her back? Don't be surprised if I kill her." I wanna go see everyone and reassure them that I'm okay after all.

The bloodthirsty Servant laughs through the fire. "You sure are cocky! Can't deny you're tough though, your mystery must be through the charts!" Her gunfire is slowing down...?

No, it's more like after every round of gun fire she has to switch to a new arsenal of guns. I'm guessing her class must be Archer then, but she clearly doesn't even come close to Gilgamesh.

I grin, now I only need to protect my eyes. "Sorry, but I'm not a Servant, so I don't know anything about this Mystery talk." She raises an eyebrow, but never stops her attacks. "Still, I have been lost for a few years, so can you tell me if any major even has happened recently?"

She laughs. "Well, a war has broken out involving the entire world! Now they're even about to invade my country! Ain't that exciting!?" Even as she says that, she sounds more pissed than anything.

As for me... "Holy shit, another world war broke out!?" While I have been sleeping or something, World War III started!? Now I really do need to rush and check if everyone is okay!

And then I need to kill everybody responsible for this mess of course. War is no good.

She chuckles. "Your tone sounds conflicted! Not a fan of war, Mister Not A Servant?" Her gunfire is slowing down even more, but she stills seems pretty confident. Which means she probably has some sort of trump card.

I nod "of course I'm not a fan of war. I enjoy fighting, sure... but war is different, it's where talent goes to die." Already we must have lost so many cute girls across the world. What a horrible tragedy.

She tilts her head, and the gunfire finally stops. "Where talent goes to die huh...? For me it's the opposite. It gives fools a chance to raise up in life and all." I cannot exactly deny that, but...

I frown. "Don't talk as if you're some poor soldier trying to get ahead in life. It's clear from your eyes that you enjoy this way too much." With that said, she is pretty cute, and a Servant to boot...

Archer shrugs. "Eh, can't deny that. I am a war monger after all. Still... you have pretty insane eyes too, so what's your deal?" I am definitely not like her at all.

I shake my head. "I'm a normal guy. It's just that I enjoy a duel to death sometimes. Oh, and I also like making women my concubines, specially if they're fun to talk to." I nod to myself. "I'm making you into a concubine by the way."

"You're cute and fun, but this whole war thing is ruining you. So I'll take you to... erm... pound town until you appreciate the joys of peace. Also, I'm cucking your Master, I guess." Though he should have known to not take my Command Seals. I'm the victim here!

She seems taken a back for a moment. "I'm cute and fun huh? You have good taste dude!" I know. "Sadly... I gotta put an end to this. I guess you're right, war really is where talent goes to die." Something strange is happening.

Mana is gathering around her body. "But I'll take you to a place even worse than that, some people say war is hell, but I'll show you a true one! Papiyas, Demon King Of The Sixth Heaven!" And then that mana burst around her.

I only have a second to think. "I changed locations again!?" I'm now surrounded by a complete white void. Sadly I don't get anymore time, because my body suddenly catches on fire.

It genuinely hurts. "Right, Noble Phantasm...!" No, it's not that my body is on fire, it's that my everything is on fire. From my organs, to my mind, to my soul. If I stay here for long, I will genuinely die. Also, it burned my clothes away, embarrassing.

And Nobunaga is here too, laughing her ass off. "Quite the high levels of divinity you have there! Are you sure you ain't a Servant!?" Well, yes. What does my supposed divinity even have to do with that?

Suddenly I'm surrounded by guns, way more than before. "There is no overkill when it comes to people like you! I'll show you the Demon King's arsenal! Three Line Formation!" Her guns fire, and I have a feeling getting hit will actually hurt this time.

"Demon King huh? I'll show you one."

Dodging bullets from three thousands muskets while on fire isn't exactly easy, but I'll trust my body to do it for me. Right now all my mind will go to another thing.

To the thing that separates me from the common rabble like her. "Unsheathe. Kick down the door. Hunt the man from yesterday, the man I will lay down to waste." I can feel that light rising from inside of me.

It hasn't been used in so long, and it desperately wants to cut someone down. "The rules have been set, the gauntlet has been thrown, the mission has been given." My heart burns even more, the flames are getting hotter, desperate.

Archer frowns. "Are you really dodging all that...?" Am I? I can't tell.

As I said before, my body is doing the dodging. My mind however is doing the talking, and my soul is simply polishing itself. "Calm down my flustered heart, from here on there will be no sign to stop. Isolate us in this room cold and alone. Our days are numbered, so let me be..." It almost feels insulting.

Getting damaged and having to call my weapon simply because someone countered me, but it is what it is. I won't be foolish enough to simply let this flame overtake me, even if this isn't a worthy stage.

"Futsu-No-Mitama, Saji-Futsu-No-Kami, Mika-Futsu-No-Kami, come, for your master calls your favorite name!" Sekki appears on my hands in a burst of white. He already showed up transformed, how nice.

My body stops burning. "And now the real fight starts, Archer." I hold what is the pinnacle of holy in my hands, so her demonic flames that challenge the divine simply cannot reach me anymore.

She laughs again, this time it sounds more nervous than anything. "Ah... that sword... Am I facing Kusanagi or something?" No, but it might as well be just as bad.

I take a deep breath... and rush forward. It doesn't matter what appears in front of me, nothing slows me down. Bullets are either dodged or deflected, and whenever a skeleton of flame shows up, the aura of my blade immediately kills it.

And then Archer makes a mistake. "Shit!" She takes a step back. Just one, but I imagine she was planning on taking many more, it makes sense if she wanted to keep her advantage as a long-range combatant, but...

Sekki activates, and the heavens punish her for her insolence. "A-argh!?" Immediately she falls to the ground, and her... domain? Collapses around us.

I look around. "We are back in the train huh?" Weird. "You should feel lucky by the way... since you survived and all." Her body is still twitching. "Normally a Heroic Spirit would have died from Sekki, but since I didn't want you dead my authority must have held back." Nifty. I love abilities controlled by my intent.

She grimaces. "Are you sure I'm not dead? I'm feeling pretty dead...!" And now her body isn't even twitching anymore. I might have damaged her core a decent amount, but I'm sure she will recover.

I dismiss Sekki. "That's what you get for trying to steal my titles." And she even hurt me a decent amount! "Anyways, you're now my concubine, so get ready for me to fill your ass with cum until you realize war is bad."

She scowls. "Screw you...!" Oh, so she's resisting? "After I'm done with you, you're gonna be calling me lady, you hear me! I'm draining you dry until you only have my pussy in your mind!" Hah?

I shake my head. "Nope. You're losing to the cock." She already lost to me after all.

"No! You're the one who's losing to the vagina! And the ass! Ya hear me!? This ain't over!" Wow, I never had a concubine this competitive before. "So get ready freak, because I never lose!" She laughs. And then regrets it. "Oh, this really hurts...!"

And then her body shines red... a Command Seal? "You're running!?" I could try stopping it, but I'm pretty sure I would fail. It's weird that she didn't immediately get teleported though.

She shakes her head. "No, I'm not! It's just my Master being a coward!" Oh, so she didn't get teleported because she's resisting the Command Seal! "You better stop Master! Or at least bring me back after I rocked his world!"

"I'll kill you, ya hear me!? If you bring me back before I get stuffed with cum, I'll seriously kill-" And then she teleports away. So much for a new concubine, I guess.

"Yato, are you oka-, Oh you're naked, and bleeding." I turn around, and see that Tsukumo has come back. And with what I presume is a Servant in tow.

The Servant herself is blushing at my appearance, most importantly though... I recognize her, even if she looks... different than what I'm used to. "Saber, since when were you asian?"

"S-since I was born, I guess!?"



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AN: Wow, Yato is willing to pull out his super special sword when caught in a Reality Marble that specifically counters him? Bitch move, he should have lost an arm and then gotten sniped in the head instead.