Midnight Pals: Dogs (Patreon)

Clive Barker: now everyone i want you all to welcome a real scary story by dodie smith
Poe: um clive
Poe: is this really appropriate
Barker: oh yeah trust me this is gonna be REAL scary
Barker: for dean
Poe: are you doing this to torment dean
Barker: whaaaat
Barker: i would never

Dodie Smith: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the woman who kidnaps dogs
Dean Koontz: what?!
Koontz: you guys
Koontz: you know I like scary stories
Koontz: but you didn't tell me it was gonna be THIS scary

Barker: ahh poor dean, is this too much for you?
Barker: i guess you could just go to bed and leave this one for the big kids
Koontz: n-no
Koontz: no i can take it
King: that's the spirit dean
King: you can do it

Dodie Smith: so there's this woman who kidnaps dogs
Koontz: that's fine, i can handle this
Smith: because she wants to skin them for a coat
Koontz: guysssss
Koontz: guyssss i hate thisss
Barker: ah ha ha
Poe: oh really clive this is too much

Smith: so the important thing is there's this guy mr dearly
Smith: now the government lets him live tax free for life cuz he solved a really hard math problem
King:
King: uh
King: i don't think that's the way that works

Smith: no no that's legit i checked
Smith: that's how we do it in the UK
King:
King: clive?
Barker: That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about math to dispute it

Smith: so anyway mr dearly marries this woman
Smith: and his dog marries her dog
Smith: also they both have nannies
Koontz: do the nannies also get married?
Smith: haha of course not dean they're both ladies
Smith: nanny butch and nanny femme are just really good platonic friends

Smith: but there's a problem
Smith: the dearlys adopt ANOTHER dalmatian, perdita
Smith: and this dog
Smith: is NOT married
Barker: and that's a problem huh?
Smith: OF COURSE IT'S A PROBLEM
Smith: you can't just have this dog slutting it up around town!

Smith: so the married dogs, pongo and missus, go on a merry adventure to save their puppies from the insane woman who wants to skin them for a coat
Smith: and when the adventure is over
Smith: they need to buy a bigger house to home all their 97 puppies

Smith: luckily mr dearly solved another problem to help the government pay its taxes
Poe: wait why does the government have to pay taxes
Smith: oh we do things differently in the UK
Poe: yeah, evidently

Smith: perdita's original owners come back
Smith: and the dearlys are afraid that they'll want perdita back
Smith: but they're all "oh we didn't actually like her all that much, you can keep her"
Koontz: wait someone doesn't like a dog?
Koontz: this is breaking my immersion

Smith: but then some other people come by and they have a dog too
Smith: and it turns out that this is perdita's dog husband!
Smith: and these people are all "oh, i guess you can have this dog"
Smith: "you know, since they're already dog married"

Smith: oh also the dearlys get a cat
Smith: the cat also gets married
Barker: christ why are all these animals getting married
Smith: what, you want them living in sin?
Koontz: yeah clive you want them living in sin??
Barker: i just
Koontz: that would be immoral clive!!!
Barker:

Smith: anyway then everyone is matched up in a nice monogamous, hetero-sex pair
Smith: just the way it should be!
Piers Anthony: yeah yeah now THAT'S the way you end a story!