Midnight Pals: Shedding (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children  
Rowling: i have terrible, bone-chilling newsss  
Rowling: did you know that india willoughby exisssstsss?  
Rowling: thiss makess me ssso mad

Rowling: i know you're all ussed to me being ssubtle  
Rowling: you know, talking about womensss ssafety and all that  
Rowling: but i'm done with that  
Rowling: now i enter endgame

Rowling: tonight my rage ssshall fuel my final transssformation  
Rowling: tonight i sshed my ssskin for the lassst time  
Rowling: gone will be the resspectable normie lib ssspotted patterning  
Rowling: henceforth i shall wear banded patterning [puts on arm band]

Rowling: now i sshed my ssskin and obsserve my transformation to full blood purity fascism  
Helen Joyce: but dark lord! it's too obvious!  
Joyce: what if the rubes notice?  
Rowling: just point to that old "wear whatever you want" post and pretend i meant it

Rowling: i'll be right back, gonna go shed a sskin  
Rowling: now before i leave one lasst directive  
Rowling: you lot don't do anything ssilly while i'm gone  
Rowling: you know, anything that would make our entire causse look dumb or anything  
Joyce: you can count on us, dark lord!

[Rowling exits]  
Joyce: so  
Joyce: anyone wanna hear this new fan fic i've been working on  
Jesse Singal: when does mommy get back

Joyce: so  
Joyce: so my story has draco/hermione otp, noncon, dubcon, cuckolding, underage, lemon, coffeeshop au, crackfic  
Kathleen Stock: noooo helen! don't read fanfic! don't you know fanfic turns you trans?  
Joyce: sorry its a risk i have to take  
Joyce: for science

Joyce: look, i'm going to scientifically prove that fanfiction turns you trans  
Joyce: luckily i'm built of stronger stuff  
Joyce: the rest of you just plug your ears  
Stock: what about you, helen?  
Joyce: lash me to the mast

Stock: i've been writing a fan fic too  
Stock: it's about the love between the Unknown, an evil choclatier who lives in the walls, and this mysteriously sexy lady oompa loompa who everybody loves who is named Stathleen Kock [permaberry, leaking juice, enjoyment, enemies to lovers]

Rowling: ok i'm back  
Helen Joyce: dark lord! how does it feel to shed your lib skin of plausible deniability to don your extremely online skin of blood purity?  
Rowling: i feel sstrong! powerful! like a new ssnake!  
Rowling: i feel like i can sssay  
Rowling: ALL THE SSSLURSS!!!

Rowling: tinktonk! cricklecrack! boofnoggin! i can sssay them all!!!  
Rowling: no now mudblood can ssstand in my way!  
Rowling: doess india willoughby still exissst?  
Joyce: yes dark lord!  
Rowling: [coiling in rage] the cheek!!!! the audacity!!!

Rowling: ugh, look at india willoughby, performing feminine joy!  
Rowling: womanhood isn't about joy!  
Rowling: true femininity is being miserable all the time, posting and also being banned from seeing your grandchildren