Midnight Pals: Down, Satan! (Patreon)

Clive Barker: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the billionaire who
George Romero: boooo  
Barker: shut up george let me finish  
Romero: billionaires shouldn't be  
Barker: oh my god LET ME FINISH

Romero: billionaires are bad  
Barker: george where do you think i'm going with this story  
Barker: do you think the point is gonna be that billionaires are good?  
Romero:  
Romero: only a dictatorship of the proletariat can stop the excesses of capital

Barker: so there's this super rich guy  
Romero: only rich through the toil of the worker, i'll bet  
Romero: labor is entitled to the value it creates!  
Barker: oh my god will you stop interrupting me?  
Poe: not so fun when it happens to you huh

Romero: you know what happens if the workers of the world unite?  
Romero: they probably should, they only have one thing to lose  
Dean Koontz: gosh, what's that?  
Romero: their chains  
Koontz: whoaaa

Barker: anyway there's this super rich guy  
Barker: he's like  
Barker: mega rich  
Barker: like he's got like 20 scottish castles  
Barker: each one with a room dedicated to big confectionery bins of bag-it-yourself candy  
King: wow i didn't know you could be THAT rich

Barker: but get this  
Barker: this rich guy is spiritually unfulfilled  
Barker: you might find this surprising  
Koontz: gosh i guess it goes to show money can't buy happiness  
King: you sure said a mouthful, dean!  
King: [to Poe] from the mouths of babes

Barker: so this rich guy decides to build a hell on earth to assuage his own spiritual torpor  
King: wow clive that's wild!  
King: where do you get your ideas?  
Barker: oh you know just  
Barker: just lookin' around

Barker: his whole plan is that the hell on earth will attract satan  
Barker: so that will compel god to appear to rescue him  
Barker: cuz he's the most important guy  
Barker: you know, being rich and all  
King: right, right

[meanwhile]  
Elon Musk: eyyy mama mia  
Musk: i feela da spiritually unfulfilled  
Musk: i feela da spiritual torpor  
Musk: what if i builda da hell on earth?  
Musk: then da god, he come tella me i ama da good boy  
Musk: looking into this

Musk: eyyyy i maka da hell on earth  
Musk: with alla da besta torture implements  
Musk: i calla it da x
Musk: now i waita for god to rescue me  
[5 minutes later]  
Musk: oops i torture alla da people!  
Musk: disruptiano!

Musk: i wassa scared offa da roko's basilisk  
Musk: but dissa whole time  
Musk: da basilisk, he wassa me!!!  
Musk: [looks in mirror, roko's basilisk reflected back] concerning!