Midnight Pals: Faust Love (Patreon)

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of faust
Goethe: so this guy sells his soul to the devil to get the ultimate knowledge
Goethe: oh the guy's name is faust by the way

Goethe: so part 1 is all about faust trying to bang this one hottie
Goethe: part 2 is where we just go off the rails
Goethe: he meets dante!
Goethe: and the devil invents fiat currency!
Goethe: we need to go back on the gold standard btw
Barker: oh christ here we go

Goethe: so faust anyway is despairing about the vanity of scientific, humanistic, and religious scholarship
Brian Yuzna: hey do you take creative criticism
Goethe: yeah?
Yuzna: this sucks

Yuzna: this is boring, people don't wanna hear about Faust the scholar
Yuzna: they wanna hear about Faust the action star
Goethe:
Yuzna: see, what if Faust was like a vigilante with big old wolverine claws?
Goethe:
Goethe: that would be badass
Yuzna: yes! exactly!

Yuzna: ok so what if faust sold his soul to the devil for revenge after some gangsters killed his girlfriend?
Yuzna: but then the devil tricks him and is all 'ha ha now you have to kill the chinese ambassador for me!'
Yuzna: 'make sure you make some wacky quips when you do it'

Goethe: why does the devil want to kill the chinese ambassador
Yuzna: details! you're getting bogged down with details!

Yuzna: so the devil wants to use john jaspers to kill people
Goethe: john who?
Yuzna: john jaspers. that's what we call faust now
Goethe: his name's not faust anymore?
Yuzna: no no man get with the program!
Yuzna: it's john jaspers
Yuzna: we'll still call the story Faust tho

Goethe: aren't people going to be confused if we call the story faust but the guy isn't named faust?
Yuzna: ok look
Yuzna: when the devil kills him, we'll have him buried under a tombstone that says 'faust'
Yuzna: happy?

Goethe: Goethe: but if his name is john jaspers why would the tombstone say
Yuzna: oh my god i can't work under these conditions

Yuzna: ok so the devil has this sexy assistant with big tits
Edward Lee: yeah boi
Yuzna: you like that? well hold on to your hats
Yuzna: cuz you're gonna love this

Yuzna: you like when a girl has big tits?
Lee: you know it
Yuzna: ok so picture this
Yuzna: what if she turns into a wet blob monster made out of giant tits and ass cheeks
Lee:
Yuzna: pretty hot huh?
Lee:
Lee:
Lee: i can work with that

Hailey Piper: i feel like this story is missing something
Yuzna: what's that?
Piper: dunno, just feeling the absence of a something that should have a certain thrill
Yuzna: what  
Piper: and a certain smell
Yuzna: what are you talking about
Cynthia Pelayo: NO