Midnight Pals: Oates the GOAT (Patreon)

Joyce Carol Oates: [busting down door] buckle up fucklechucks
Oates: Oates the GOATS is back
Oates: and i got a hot take straight off the griddle for ya
Oates: careful!
Oates: it's
Oates: spicy!!!

Oates: so people are so depressed these days
Oates: always talking about how they feel nothing but despair and all they see ahead is despair and doom
Oates: the world is a fuck
Oates: well, i got a message for you people
Oates: how bout you all just SHUT UP

Oates: people are all talking about how they're depressed
Oates: maybe keep that to yourself
Oates: you think I wanna hear that?
Oates: hell no, it's depressing!
Oates: what happened to the good old days when you would just bottle that shit up?
Oates: now those were the days!

Poe: joyce, you can't tell people to not talk about their feelings
Poe: traditionally, writers have mined depression for some of the greatest works of art and-
Oates: Ohhhh my god you're depressed? should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party? should we invite Sylvia Plath

Oates: people always be talking about their depression blah blah blah
Oates: you think i wanna hear that shit? sheeesh
Oates: bunch debbie downers should just keep their mouths shut
Oates: you been awful quiet tonight, franz
Franz Kafka:

Franz Kafka: [world weary sigh] it's just that i've been so down lately
Kafka: i'm just so depressed
Oates: oh my god go see fuckin paggliachi or something you big baby
Kafka:
Oates: listen to this whiner here wah wah wah
Kafka:
Oates: but seriously go see that clown

Poe: joyce you can't tell people to bottle up their feelings-
Oates: why not? do you like listening to this shit?
Poe: i
Poe:
Oates: yeah that's what i thought
Oates: chalk up another win for the oatesmeister!!!
Oates: these hot takes got no brakes!