Midnight Pals: The Shaver Mystery (Patreon)

Richard Sharpe Shaver: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the underground monster people that can control us with mind rays
Stephen King: wow, that sure sounds like an amazing story!
Shaver: yes
Shaver: yes it is

Shaver: did you know that there’s a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?
Koontz: gosh! That’s not real tho right?
Koontz: it’s just a story right?
King: yes dean it’s just a story
Shaver: don’t tell him that
Shaver: this is real

King: c'mon richard you're just having a laugh, it's all just a story
Shaver: this is real
Shaver: there's a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism
Shaver: and that's not all
Shaver: wait until you hear what they’re doing to the soil

Dan Simmons: a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?
Shaver: that's right
Simmons: damn you could base a whole political worldview on that!
Simmons:
Simmons: are they in league with the queers and the muslims?
Shaver: I don’t know what that is but probably
Simmons: I knew it!

Simmons: these underground cannibals sound p legit to me
King: dan i don't think they're real
Simmons: oh I see, so you think that when i say "underground cannibals" that's, like, code for greta thunberg and that when i say we must stop the underground cannibals that's a veiled threat calling for the murder of greta thunberg and the public desecration of her carcass as a warning to all blue haired millenial they/thems?
King:

King: well i do now
Simmons: wow steve
Simmons: i think that says a lot more about you than me

Simmons: you know what these underground cannibals who prey on white women are like?
Simmons: they're like "urban" "thugs" wearing "hoodies"
Lovecraft:
Simmons: and "baggy pants"
Lovecraft:
Simmons: if you know what i mean
Lovecraft:

Simmons: i'm sorry, are these dog whistles too subtle?
Simmons: i mean
Simmons:
Simmons: italians
Lovecraft: [immediately starts sweating]

Simmons: so the underground cannibals are in league with george soros
Simmons: and that caravan of latin refugees
Simmons: that we were all so scared of about 3 years ago
Simmons: and then just forgot about when it strangely failed to materialize
Simmons: I can’t believe AM radio got that one wrong!