Midnight Pals: Blume (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hadley freeman, your failuresss disssspleasssse me
Rowling: you promissssed me you would deliver margaret atwood
Rowling: instead, nothing but ashess and wind
Hadley Freeman: p-please dark lord
Freeman: one more chance, just one!

Rowling: very well
Rowling: you will deliver unto me
Rowling: judy blume
Freeman: j-judy blume?!
Freeman: b-but dark lord
Freeman: judy blume is friend to all children!
Rowling: DID I SSSTUTTER FREEMAN
Freeman: n-no dark lord
Freeman: [bowing, groveling] it shall be so

Freeman: i'm really honored today to interview judy blume, beloved author of the mouse and the motorcycle and the cat ate my gymsuit
Judy Blume: thanks for having me
Freeman: so first question
Freeman: isn't jk rowling just awesome
Freeman: i mean, just tops at being an author

Freeman: so JK Rowling said that trans people should be eradicated from public life. Agree or hard agree?
Blume: no i don't agree with that
Freeman:
Freeman: [narrowing eyes] you clever devil
Freeman: you win this round blume
Freeman: but this battle is far from over

Freeman: ok how about this
Freeman: hypothetically
Freeman: if someone were to drop a big anvil on JK Rowling's head
Freeman: that would be bad, right?
Blume: yeah sure
Freeman: [rushing from room] ok that's all i need, thanks, bye
Blume:
Blume: you know i have a movie coming out

Freeman: behold! dark lord!
Freeman: the judy blume interview!
Freeman: "I... stand... behind... JK Rowling... 100%!"
Rowling:
Rowling: what was cut out with the ellipsesss
Freeman: [sweating] ellipses? what ellipses??

Judy Blume: it seems like there's some confusion about my interview
Blume: it was taken out of context
Blume: what i meant was i stand 100% behind jk rowling's scottish castle ductwork
Blume: it looks so welcoming & cozy
Blume: [licking lips] and that particle board! so tasty!

JK Rowling: fool!!! blundering nincompoop!!
Rowling: i asssk you to deliver judy blume! and what do i get?
Rowling: jussst pathetic excusssesss!
Rowling: you've failed me for the last time, freeman!
Rowling: i'm gonna drag you so hard in my next cormoran ssstrike doorssstopper!!

Freeman: [cowering, groveling] forgive me, dark lord!
Freeman: blume was too wily!
Freeman: it's almost like she's got some mystical power to see through bullshit moral panics!
Freeman: it's almost like she's been through all this before!