Midnight Pals: Anti-Woke Harry Potter (Patreon)

Agent: ok so listen joanne
Agent: I have some bad news
JK Rowling: issss ssscotland getting uppity??
Rowling: how dare they rebel against the yoke of English rule!!!
Rowling: we will cram transss genocide down their tartan-wearing, haggissss guzzling throatsss!!
Agent:
Agent: it’s actually about your profits

Agent: your profits are down 74%
Rowling: what doessss that mean for me
Agent: for one thing, you’re not going to be able to afford to fumigate your castle this year
Rowling: but
Rowling: I’ve already got diane duane in the ventsss!
Rowling: at this rate, I’m gonna get a KA Applegate infessstation

Rowling: how can I ssstop losssing money
Agent: maybe you wanna cut back on the transphobia thing
Rowling: no
Rowling: that isss non negotiable

Agent: the transphobia is reallt bad optics joanne
Rowling: I’m ssssorry, what can I sssay?
Rowling: I jussst really like it when they die
Rowling: esssspecially the pinkiessss
Agent:
Rowling: oh great now I sssupposssse you’re gonna sssay that wassss transssphobic

Agent: it’s just really not a good look
Agent: people are already starting to think you eat trans kids or something
Rowling: oh I’ve moved way passst pinkiessss
Rowling: I’m eating hopperssss now

Rowling: what if we made a NEW harry potter sssseriessss
Agent: that could bring in some cash, yes
Rowling: Max is gonna make it!
Agent:
Agent: who’s max

Agent: do you mean
Agent: Max…
Agent: … Brooks?
Rowling: no no
Rowling: Max!
Agent:
Agent: Max Booth III?
Rowling: no I mean Max
Rowling: look they jusssst rebranded I don’t know why thisss sssso hard for everyone

Rowling: this time, I want full control of the ssseriessss
Rowling: I think that will really draw people in
Rowling: they want to know that I’m in charge and making money from it
Rowling: that’s definitely going to be a ssselling point
Agent:
Rowling: alsssso, in my versssion, harry will sssay the 14 words

Rowling: I want graham linehan to play hagrid
Rowling: and I want posie parker to play mcgonigal
Rowling: can we get leni Riefensssstahl to direct?
Rowling: she’s a real girlbossss

Rowling: and I want dave chapelle to play dean Thomas
Rowling: at leassst until later in the ssseriesss when he might get a romantic interest
Rowling: then we can replace him with a white guy

Rowling: and I want to hire those 2 kids who murdered brianna ghey
Agent:
Agent: as actors?
Rowling: no no of courssse not!
Rowling: as sssspokessspeople for my new harry potter branded anti-woke coffee company