Midnight Pals: Barbarian (Patreon)

Brian Keene: hey guys we’re going to do a collection of barbarian horror
Robert E Howard: hang on thar a dang second pardna
Howard: how y’all gonna do that?
Keene: well I think
Keene: it’ll go a little something
Keene: like this…

[wasteland expanse]
Brian Keene: [in loincloth] I am Brian
Keene: brian the barbarian
Keene: greatest warrior on all krull
Keene: hark! Who is this brassy spitfire who approaches?
Mary SanGiovanni: [in chainmail bikini]

SanGiovanni: I am Mary, the warrior queen of SanGiovanni
Keene: A woman? A woman warrior? Surely a jest!
Hailey Piper: do not speak to the warrior queen thus, vile cur!
SanGiovanni: conserve your strength, huntress!
SanGiovanni: we shall need it in time to breast boobily across the steppes

Keene: constrain your yapping dog, wench! Your handmaiden forgets her place
Piper: I am no mere handmaiden!
Piper: I am Hailey the huntress
Piper: I thrill to the hunt!
Piper: but also

Keene: what ho! A warrior approaches!
Joe Lansdale: greetings, fellow wanderers
Lansdale: I am Joe of Lansdale
Lansdale: My sword is big like the wide open expanses of the Texas sky
Lansdale: and my strength as persistent as the memory of the alamo

Lansdale: I challenge you, brian the barbarian
Keene: I accept, joe of Lansdale, for my arm is strong and my blade is sharp
Lansdale: you speak much, whelp, but let’s see how you fight
[they fight]
Lansdale: DON’T
Lansdale: MESS
Lansdale: WITH
Lansdale: TEXAS!!!

Stephen Graham Jones: [wearing elk skull mask] halt travelers
Jones: you dare cross the domain of Stephen of Graham of Jones?
Jones: to proceed, you must best me in a contest of strength and skill
Keene: name the game, gatekeeper!
Jones: basketball
Keene:

Keene: augh! I am injured!
Keene: Look away, wench! None may witness my manly tears!
Mary SanGiovanni: But that wound requires healing salve, you brashly impulsive warrior!

Brian Keene: so what did you think of that?
Barker: sounds like a lot of nerd shit
Robert Howard: now hold on there pardna
Howard: I plum enjoyed that
Howard: specially the part about Texas
Howard: I like the cut of this Lansdale feller’s gib