Midnight Pals: Souper (Patreon)

[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: tonight we've got a special story from everyone's favorite fantasy writer
GRR Martin:
CS Lewis:
Peter S Beagle:
Hans Christian Andersen:
L Frank Baum:
Tolkien: whoops shouldn't have said that ha ha
Tolkien: i mean, you're all winners in my book

Tolkien: but when i say everyone's favorite fantasy writer
Tolkien: i mean terry practchett
GRR Martin: oh yeah that's fair
CS Lewis: yeah fair
Peter S Beagle: fair
Hans Christian Andersen: yes yes of course
L Frank Baum: that's fair

Terry Pratchett: hello unicorn fuck club today i've got a story about a wizard who is - get this - actually very bad at his job
Tolkien: oh ho ho! terry my boy, you've done it again!
Pratchett: there's also girl dwarves
Tolkien: [suddenly stone-faced] i hate this

Pratchett: but first
Pratchett: all this story telling is hungry work!
Pratchett: do you happen to have anything to eat around here?
Tolkien: are you talking about...
Tolkien: having
Tolkien: a
Tolkien: feast?????
Brian Jacques: [squeaking incomprehensibly in rising excitement]

Tolkien: why, terry, my boy, what an idea!
Tolkien: instead of merely DESCRIBING a feast, we'll have one! huzzah!
Martin: huzzah!
Lewis: huzzah!
Jacques: [squeaking] i use a mercury head dime as a serving platter!

Pratchett: no no nothing so fancy as that
Tolkien: eh?
Pratchett: i was more thinking along the lines of
Pratchett: soup
Tolkien: soup?
Pratchett: yeah just a big bowl of heart soup right about now would just be the best thing
Pratchett: oo i just love the sound of it!

Pratchett: think about it: no work... no worries... no failures... no waste... when you serve maggi homestyle soups, the finest money can buy yet priced reasonably within your budget
Tolkien: interesting! tell us more
Pratchett: maggi soup! es ist echt ausgezeichnet!

Pratchett: how often have you had this problem
Pratchett: say, you're on a budget but you have to feed your hungry hungry boys
Tolkien: oh man i have been there!
Tolkien: more times than i can count!

Tolkien: but terry
Tolkien: i need something substantial and nourishing for my hungry boys. can maggi soup satisfy?
Pratchett: ahh jirt my friend, maggi soup does more than satisfy!
Pratchett: as the good people at maggi say, "kartoffelsalat volkswagen fahrvergnugen lebensraum!!"

Tolkien: What's that sizzling sound I hear?
Pratchett: Get up! It's soup and eggs, my dear!
Martin: What can I cook without much fuss?
Pratchett: maggi soup would tickle all of us!
Lewis: What's a lunch that's good and quick?
Pratchett: Hot Maggi soup mix does the trick!

Pratchett: mm mmm! i tell you, nothing's as good as a rich bowl of maggi soup! buy some today! eat it with someone you love!
Neil Gaiman: something's not right here

Gaiman: of course the power of imagination is infinite, friends
Gaiman: but in all the worlds in all the multiverses of possibility, i cannot imagine one in which terry pratchett shills for soup
Pratchett: [sweats] nein, nein, ich bin der echte terry pratchett!

Gaiman: if you are in fact, the real terry pratchett
Gaiman: and not an imposter
Gaiman: like the imposter sandman hector hall in The Sandman, vol. 2: The Doll's House
Gaiman: then you won't have any trouble telling a joke
Pratchett: [sweats] ein witz? du magst ein witz?

Pratchett: [sweats] i mean ha ha of course i can tell a joke
Pratchett: i am the real terry pratchett after all
Pratchett: [sweating intensifies] and you all know me, i'm a real spaßvogel
Pratchett:
Pratchett: a-are you sure you wouldn't all rather just have some soup?