Midnight Pals: Sssussspicionsss (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Elon Musk: eyyyy i just thinka you should post somethinga besida da transphobia, si?
Musk: lika da strega bambino!
Musk: da people lova da straga bambino! [chef's kiss]

Rowling: wow elon maybe you're right
Rowling: maybe i should take a break from transsphobia to talk about the sssix other booksss that i'm planning to write
Rowling: becaussse there are sssix other minoritiesss that have really been pissssing me off lately

Rowling: [counting off on her fingers] sssso my next books are gonna take down the transss, the queersss, the dissabled, young people with blue hair, hoodie ssscum, and fattiessss
Rowling: they've all had it too good for too long

Rowling: thank you for having this conversssation elon
Helen Joyce: oh no! the dark lord is in trouble!
Rowling: i'm fine
Allison Bailey: elon musk is attacking the dark lord!
Rowling: thatss not whatss happening
Jesse Singal: mommy needs our help!

Helen Joyce: how dare you speak to the dark lord like that!
Joyce: you will regret this day, elon musk!
Joyce: we are, even now, just asking questions about your larynx size on mumsnet
Musk: mama mia!

Musk: ey whatsa matta for you?
Joyce: wow elon that italian accent seems to be suspiciously averaging in the 75 htz range and i'm hearing a lot going below 50
Bailey: very suspicious
Julie Bindel: [tape over mouth] mmf!
Bailey: that's right julie
Bailey: you sure said a mouthful!

Joyce: i can't believe that elon musk is actually trans!
Joyce: why else would someone get bored listening to a constant, never-ending 24/7 stream of transphobia?
Rowling: wow i never thought of it that way
Rowling: but you're right
Rowling: it is the only logical explanation

Musk: issa notta true! i hata da trans people justa as much as you!
Musk: my son, he tella you the same!
Musk: [falsetto voice, hiding behind couch] eyyy its me, elon musk jr! my cool dad issa real transphobic! ga ga goo goo! i amma NOT a sock puppet! don't a look back here!!

Rowling: you lied, elon! you and your naturally occurring sssmall gametesss, the mark of a lying AMAB!
Rowling: but
Rowling: if elon was sssecretly transss this whole time
Rowling: ANYONE could be ssecretly transss
Rowling: any one of you could be a traitor!

Rowling: everyone iss ssusspect!
[camera slowly pans around circle]
Jesse Singal:
Allison Bailey:
Helen Joyce:
Julie Bindel:
Jed the sled dog from John Carpenter's The Thing (1982):
Maya Forstater: