Resolving a Resentment. Story time... (Patreon)

This is a long winded story, and it's quite personal, actually extremely personal... I would NEVER post this publicly! But for you, who are my sincerest supporters, I want to unleash this burden. You don't have to read it of course, but if you do, I would appreciate any insight in the comments below (or in DM if you prefer to be more anonymous)

My creative life is fueled by emotions, and this experience is a big swing in the emotional roller coaster of my life, and will therefore create a ripple effect to impact my work to become even stronger and more badass down the road! 

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I was called “jaded” yesterday by the very person who ruined me. I hope he absorbed what I expressed to him. I am not so great with in your face “fuck you”s but I definitely told him what he did and how it affected me. You can’t just drop someone on their face, destroy their heart, taint their trust, and expect them to be okay with “hanging out” and “being friends” in the future. 

So yeah, here’s the story on this: 12 years ago I was “in love” (whatever the fuck that means anyway) with a vibrant, edgy, risky guy. He was attractive and outgoing, oh yeah and he was a coke & ecstacy dealer - whatever - that’s the kind of dude I was into in my late teens (I was 18 at the time). Well this crazy cool dude decided to get his life together and join the Navy. I was like “hell yeah I’m all for it!” And spent several hundred dollars I didn’t have flying to visit  him where he was stationed in Texas, then Guam. The last time I saw him for 12 years was at the Guam airport, I was 19. We exchanged a few emails over the next few months, but he was being deployed and his job was to check for explosives with a canine in front of the marine troops (he literally wanted to die - yeah edgy AF right… ). After almost a year of hearing nothing from him, I became resigned to the idea that he got what he wanted, and I allowed myself to start dating again (or you know, getting drunk and hitting on dudes, whatever, that was my style back in those days) 

It was really a sad situation for me, but I placed the memory on a high shelf in my mind, and I reserved any pain in my heart for a rainy day. Fast forward ten years (2017): this fuckin guy messages me on my FB fan page “Hey how have you been? I have been occasionally checking out your posts over the last years!” 

What. a. Slap. In. The. face.

 So… if he wasn’t dead, he literally just ghosted me like I meant nothing. Ohhh boyyy did I take that personally! Maybe it was water under the bridge for him, but I frickin WAITED for that motherfucker’s ass for almost a YEAR and apparently he just nonchalantly ignored me, got married, divorced, and a bunch of other inane masculine boasty ranty type activities involving money and ammo and international transactions blah blah blah…. 

So as you may have read in recent posts, I just broke up with my most recent boyfriend of 7.5 years (the two relationships have no correlation whatsoever) - now that I am on my own again after so long, I am going through mental & emotional metamorphosises left and right- making amends with certain people where I have had underlying resentment and such. Well this resentment was a BIG one for me, maybe the biggest one in the spiderwebbed dark attics of my emotions - especially because of the fact it was revealed after ten years that this soldier was in fact NOT dead, he was just too much of a coward to send an email “I found someone else” or “hey lets break this off” - instead my heart was left to rot a slow and painful death. 

Makes me believe he only went out with me because I was pretty, and when it became inconvenient for him, I was of no real value other than physical/ superficial joy anyway. And YOU KNOW WHAT?! I BELIEVE THAT ABOUT EVERY FREAKING RELATIONSHIP I HAVE HAD WITH ANY OF THESE BOYFRIENDS OVER THE WHOLE COURSE OF MY YOUNG ADULT LIFE! 

FUCCCKKK. 

Yeah anyway, since I no longer have responsibility for a significant other’s potential insecurity, I finally decided to ask this guy from 12 years ago if he wanted to chat over coffee. A big fear concept in my head, especially since he messaged me 6 months ago telling me he moved back to Seattle. He got all super excited assuming the reason I was messaging him was possibly romantic. I told him I wanted to bury the hatchet, I just wanted to catch up in person, tell him what he did to me in person, express the pain he caused me, and peacefully lay the concept to rest. It worked! I now have massive relief. 

So yes, SIR, I am fucking jaded. And NO, I don’t want to be friends. 

*pats self on back*

Thanks for reading. 

*Kristy

XoXo