Far Out There Christmas Soundtrack: Bridget (Patreon)

I mean, yeah, who else could it be right after Alphonse? Once again, though, I find myself in a bit of a quandary when it comes to picking Christmas songs that Bridget would listen to. Her original Character Soundtrack was full of loud, fast, messy Rock songs, and unfortunately there’s not a lot of Motörhead Christmas songs out there for me to use here. Plus, Stilez already kind of claimed most of the good Heavy Metal songs, and anything else I found would just sound like more of THAT set all over again. And if there’s one thing Bridget absolutely would not stand for, it’s being regarded as a Stilez knock-off. Instead, I decided to go in a more lyrical direction. If Bridget can’t get a playlist full of Rock songs, then she’ll get a playlist full of songs about how much Christmas SUCKS!

Now, I’m not saying that Bridget hates Christmas or anything. Beneath that gruff exterior, she’s too much of a softie for that. However, I absolutely AM saying she’s a bit of a troll, so she’d really get a kick out of any Christmas song with strong edgelord vibes. Maybe not playing them in the vicinity of unsuspecting listeners, but at the very least sitting in her room IMAGINING how funny it’d be if somebody else heard these without preparation.

We ease our way into things with probably the least-edgy song on the list: “You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch” by Thurl Ravenscroft. I mean, to the extent that a song that literally exists solely to talk about how much a guy totally sucks can be considered “not edgy.” This is absolutely a song that would get you banned for bullying if it didn’t have that protective coating of Dr. Seuss whimsy around it. It’s also the only tangentially Christmas-related song I know of to contain a reference to arsenic, so there’s that too.

We REALLY hit the ground running with the next track: “Christmas At Ground Zero” by Weird Al Yankovic. Yep, the song about nuclear war breaking out and destroying the world on Christmas Day. Ho Ho Ho! A lot of people seem to forget how edge-tastic Weird Al can be when he wants to be, and this isn’t even his only Christmas song on this list!

Next up, we have “Chiron Beta Prime” by Jonathan Coulton, in which the singer is sending a Christmas card home from a space colony that’s TOTALLY NOT BEEN TAKEN OVER BY ROBOTS. Honestly, if there was an official Far Out There Christmas album, there’d probably be one or two songs with a comedic bent very much like this. I do love me some evil robots, after all.

Of a very different bent is “Santa’s Beard” by They Might Be Giants, which is probably the only time Bridget would ever listen to an Indie song this dorky-sounding. To be honest, I feel like this song’s use of “sitting on Santa’s knee” as an illustration for jealousy and marital strife would probably fly over Bridget’s head a bit. She’d just know that it’s a song about a guy wishing Santa would go away, and she’d find that kinda funny.

Bridget would ABSOLUTELY understand what’s up with the next song: “The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al. It’s exactly what it says on the tin, an insane Santa Claus graphically murdering the whole North Pole. Full disclosure, I don't think this one is anywhere near as funny as “Christmas at Ground Zero,” but Bridget would definitely find all the violence a lot more fun. She likes her some violence.

Continuing on with holiday disasters, we next have the aptly-titled “Apocalypse Christmas” by The Rifftones, a.k.a. Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett of Mystery Science Theater 3000/Rifftrax fame. It’s exactly as serious as you’d expect a song from those guys to be. Somehow, even the song that literally has “apocalypse” in the title still isn’t quite the most apocalyptic song on Bridget’s playlist, but we’ll get to that in a second.

First, we have to address “Death Of An Elf” by The Reverend Glen Armstrong. Easily the driest and most straight-faced song on this list, and probably the darkest, I feel like “Death Of An Elf” is probably another song that’d fly over Bridget’s head. The tune is a bleak Folk anthem about the elves rising up in revolution against the oppressive Santa regime, loaded with a lot of really icky imagery in both directions and performed in an arrangement that’s mostly somber and depressing. Bridget would probably only pick up on the “Santa’s Bad” implications and find that pretty funny, though I honestly don’t know if she’d find it more or less funny when she gets older and grasps the satire at work.

I’m pretty sure she’ll have no problem understanding what’s going on in “Death To The World” by The HP Lovecraft Historical Society, though. Just in case the artist didn’t tip you off, this minor-key rewrite of “Joy To The World” is all about the rise of Cthulhu, easily taking the top prize of most-apocalyptic Christmas apocalypse on the list. There’s several whole albums of Lovecraft-ized versions of Christmas songs, but this one track is really all you ever need to hear to get the joke.

And we conclude with another oddity as far as “songs Bridget would listen to” go: “Ground Control to Santa Claus” by Joel Kopischke. A parody of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” that’s very much in the vein of Bob Rivers’ various holiday send-ups, this is all about Santa getting stuck in a chimney with a fire still going, and ending as badly as you’d expect. Bridget would just find the image of Santa burning up plenty funny on it’s own, but if you ask ME, the real comedy gold is the guitar solo. Mick Wayne’s original, rather simplistic solo is seamlessly morphed into a medley of several recognizable Christmas tunes, a musical joke that I personally think is a hundred times funnier than the roasted Santa gag.

But that’s Bridget’s Christmas playlist for you! Before anyone says it, yes, I know there’s plenty of more explicitly “SCREW CHRISTMAS” songs out there. But again, Bridget doesn’t ACTUALLY hate the holiday season or anything. It just that, with Tabitha and Alphonse being so firmly on the warm and fuzzy side of Christmas cheer, being a little edgelord for a bit gives Bridget something that’s more… “hers.” Oh, and if you found any of these songs a little annoying, just you wait. We’ve got one playlist left!

Bridget's YouTube Christmas Playlist