Far Out There Christmas Soundtrack: Stilez (Patreon)

Well, THIS is gonna be really quick. Just in case you don’t remember, even though it’s the sort of thing you could probably figure out without being told, Stilez’s Character Soundtrack is full of Power Metal. Big, dumb, loud exercises in guitar shredding and silly lyrics, perfect for a big dumb loud catgirl, right? And no, I’m not going to try and get creative on you all and present a totally different side of Stilez for her Christmas musical tastes. She’s still all about the audio caffeine, even in holiday form. After all, Power Metal is already the Bubblegum of Heavy Metal, so why NOT employ it for such a sugary holiday? Now, yes, not ALL of the following artists are considered “Power Metal,” but that’s also in keeping with Stilez’s original Soundtrack. What matters is, it’s all loud and fast and rather preposterous. And before you even have the chance to ask, yes.  I’ll be including EXACTLY the songs you think I’m gonna.

In fact, let’s not mess around and kick things off with the one you’re all expecting: “Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)” by Trans-Siberian Orchestra, the side-project that conquered Christmas so thoroughly that everybody forgot that main band Savatage even existed.. I mean, come on, it’s basically THE Christmas Metal Song, and just about every attempt to combine those words since has owed some kind of conceptual debt to this track. And really, it’s just a darn good take on The Ukrainian Bell Carol, which is uniquely suited to guitar arpeggio, and a very natural incorporation of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” That this silly novelty cracked its way into mainstream consciousness is surprising, but not undeserved.

Next up, we have a song that most definitely did NOT lead to a new career in holiday music: “No Presents For Christmas” by King Diamond. Probably the only thing stranger that hearing the Devil-loving Metal monster singing about Santa, even in jest, is knowing that this was actually the DEBUT of “King Diamond” as a new band. King Diamond the singer was only just putting together King Diamon the band after the collapse of Mercyful Fate, and it takes a LOT of faith in one’s future success to let a novelty like this be the public’s first glimpse of the new project. Not that Stilez would care about boring trivia like that, of course.

She also wouldn’t care that out next track is ALSO of Danish origin: “A Merry Jingle” by Pretty Maids. The title’s being a bit coy for a reason, as the song is actually a medley of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and “Jingle Bells.” I don’t know if Power Rangers musical madman Ron Wasserman ever recorded a Christmas album, but I choose to believe this is what the results would sound like. It’s also a much faster, punchier tune than Pretty Maids’ OTHER Christmas song “In Santa’s Claws.” I know, the title sounds mildly funny, but the actual song is a pretty lame Arena Rock snooze fest, which Stilez would absolutely NOT tolerate.

We return to Trans-Siberian Orchestra for an even more meme-tastic song than the last one: “Wizards In Winter” a.k.a. “That song from that video of the house with the synchronized lights.” The nicest compliment I can give this song is that it honestly sounds like a cover of something, like one of the more obscure portions of The Nutracker or the like. But no! It’s a TSO original! Good on ya, boys! Also, I get this funny mental image of Stilez being really distracted by all the start/stop quiet/loud moments of this song, like a housecat being wound up by a laser pointer. In fact, why have I not drawn THAT before?

Moving on, we next have probably the oddest name to appear on this list: Boston. Admittedly, Arena Rock pioneer Tom Scholz casts a longer shadow over Power Metal than a lot of listeners would prefer to admit. Seriously, take just about any song off the first two Boston albums and add a few dozen extra beats in between the existing ones, break up the guitar riffs into smaller notes, and they’re basically DragonForce songs. That said, “God Rest Ye Metal Gentlemen” doesn’t sound much like the Boston you hear on the Classic Rock stations. As the name implies, it’s a MUCH more Metal production, helped along by being from a much MUCH more recent incarnation of Boston. It’s noticeably slower than, say, the King Diamond tune we heard earlier, but still a lot heavier than “More Than A Feeling.” All the better for Stilez, right?

Next up, we have probably the most obscure artist here, at least as far as my admittedly limited knowledge goes, in the form of Kamelot. Their version of “We Three Kings” is another one that’s a bit slower than all my talk about Power Metal up at the top would probably have led you to believe, though the 3/4 time signature probably limits the speed potential quite a bit. I mean, there’s only so hard a person can waltz. Also, I realize this version of “We Three Kings” also incorporates another version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” as the middle eight, which is an odd thing for me to pick as the song right after “God Rest Ye Metal Gentlemen.” It’s odder still when you remember that “Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)” ALSO incorporates at melody. What can I say? It's just a really Metal Christmas carol, apparently.  The important thing is, Kamelot’s “We Three Kings” sounds like the soundtrack to a Straight to DVD Fantasy movie, or pirate movie, or pirate fantasy movie, and surely that’s the TRUE essence of Power Metal, right?

And on that cheesy note, we come to not only the penultimate track in Stilez’s Christmas playlist, but also the MOST well-known artist… arguably. I mean, yeah, Trans-Siberian Orchestra has some fearsome mainstream prominence, but the artist I’m talking about here is none other than Nightwish, and if they can’t give TSO a run for their money, I don’t know who can. Their contribution is a big Power Ballad version of “Walking In The Air” from The Snowman, which I'm always a sucker for in any form. Admittedly, we’re slowing the pace down even further at this point, but even Stilez gets a bit sleepy at some point. And what good Rock show doesn’t have at least one Lighters In The Air moment?

Speaking of which, we wrap up Stilez’s playlist by completing the trifecta of Trans-Siberian Orchestra songs that everybody knows with “Christmas Canon Rock.” Admittedly, the non-“Rock” version is arguably the better-known incarnation, it’s certainly the one I know best, but I don’t think I even need to explain why Stilez would prefer this version. This is the wicked solo that Santa plays while stand atop the sled as it lands back at The North Pole on Christmas morning before setting his guitar on fire with a lit candy cane while Frost crowdsurfs atop a stadium full of elves… Dang, why am I not drawing THAT right now?

So that’s the Stilez Heavy Metal Christmas soundtrack, to be blasted from your red and green Marshall stacks. Now, you would THINK I’d be following this up with Tax’s Christmas songs next, and while she does have one, I’m saving that for a little later. It’ll all make sense in context… sort of.

Stilez's YouTube Christmas Playlist