Conventional Wisdom - On Cons and Wrecked Toilets (Patreon)

The geek convention bathroom.  If you’ve ever been to any con, you know

nothing I can say of this subject will do reality justice.  There’s just something about gathering a bunch of nerd in one place that seems to fill them with the urge to push the public facilities to their breaking point.  And I don’t just mean that a large group of people will, by definition, place a large strain on the available restrooms.  No, con crowds find ways to go above and beyond when they… um… go.  At first, I was going to frame this as another “Best/Worst” blog, but come on.  This is definitely one of those cases where the “best” story is no story at all.  If you specifically remember the

conditions of a bathroom at an anime convention, it’s because something went horribly, horribly wrong.

I was awoken to the realities of con bathrooms early.  My first or second Animazement, I remember wandering into the Men’s Room over by the Game Room (more on THAT in a moment) one night and be astounded by what I found.  Both toilets and one urinal rendered inoperable by… blockage.  And not just the obvious obstructions, either.  I’m talking foreign objects, and even more tossed around the room.  Somehow, more than one hotel room towel had made it down to that bathroom, dripping wet with I don’t even want to know what.  That is what awaits you behind those doors, folks.  Wet, smelly ANARCHY.

And oh, I’ve seen worse, and heard even worse again from others.  I’ve seen whole urinals knocked off walls, stalls roped off with actual police tape, inexplicable

food, bodily fluids in every receptacle imaginable, and always, ALWAYS a terrifying lack of toilet paper.  And that’s just the results of “standard” bathroom usage.  You also have to remember to factor in a crowd of people clogging all the sings with makeup and wig hair as they fiddle with their costumes, or the big, angry drunk who just can’t carry himself anywhere else.  And AND, that still leaves out the all important factors of location and environment.  That picture up at the top is from one of the 2016 Triad comics, where the main Artist Alley bathrooms were right across the hall from the pool, and thus were more humid than the actual pool filled with water.  Since that convention center was already too hot to being with, that damp, soupy swap was seriously one of the most uncomfortable rooms I’ve ever been in.  All put together, the con bathroom isn’t QUITE Hell on Earth, but that’s

only because even Hell probably keeps its toilet paper consistently stocked. I’m sure you’ve all got even worse stories you could share, like some really unhygienic group therapy session.

Well, rather than continue to dwell on the icky, poo gas smelling unpleasantness, let’s try to turn this blog into something constructive.  In complete, absolute seriousness, I’d have to say that one of the most valuable Con Survival Skills I’ve acquired over the

years is learning how to locate a decent bathroom while avoiding the bad ones.  Really, that’s an actual skill that can and should be learned.  So gather ‘round, children, while I impart to you the ways of The Bathroommaster.

First, and most obviously, figure out the layout of the convention center as a whole. Really, you should do that anyway, just so you know in advance where all your panels are and which halls are probably gonna get clogged with lines.  But scoping out where all the restrooms are is an important task that should be done as early as possible, and not JUST because you never know when that lunch from Sheetz will have its revenge.  No, you need to see what’s around those bathrooms, or more accurately, what ISN’T.  Unless your convention is, like, in some library’s basement, there’s gonna be at least ONE restroom that inattentive congers won’t even see.  Sometimes a con doesn’t use all of its location, meaning there’s a side hall that no one had any reason to go down.  You can bet any bathrooms down there will pristine all weekend, since nobody’s using them.  Or maybe you’ll be in one of those convention centers that’s intended to be used by two or three events simultaneously.  Those places usually have multiple “main entrances”, more than most cons can actually do badge checks at.  Find a lobby or main hall that isn’t open to the outside, and you’ve found a restroom that most people won’t ever have a chance to ruin.  And THEN there’s the

weirdness of those hotel/convention centers that keep adding newer and newer

wings as time goes on.  Those places are towering monuments to redundancy, and can always be counted on having one or two weird bathrooms nobody notices because, like, they just walked past five.

But even more important than knowing which bathrooms to look for is knowing which ones to avoid.  This part’s pretty obvious, or at least it should be: no high-traffic areas.  If there’s a crowd in the hall, just hold it and keep walking.  The cliché would be to say “And for the love of God, don’t use a bathroom near the Game Room” …and unfortunately, that cliché exists for a reason.  Those facilities really are guaranteed to be VILE.  But to be fair, they’re not the only ones.  If a con has bathrooms in or next to Artist Alley or the Dealer’s Room, you should avoid those too (especially at Otakon, I mean WOW).  There just seems to be something about the rooms where people stay in one place for an extra long time that seems to drive their bowels to really horrible things.  What’s more, if you do happen to be in one of those sprawling, multi-part hotel/con center complexes, take the time to check which

facilities look new and which seem to have been installed decades ago. It can be really, laughably obvious sometimes. I seriously don’t think any two bathrooms in AWA’s location look even remotely alike.  Every single one has wildly different

fixtures and equipment depending on when that particular one was built.  This really matters, since the older a bathroom looks, the greater the likelihood of some big guy in a Lum shirt and too many tacos in his gut wrecking the place right before you show up.  Stick to facilities that look like they can stand the most punishment.  Also, be

mindful of the con schedule, some areas will be worse depending on what’s going

on when.  If there’s a concert or a dance going on, just avoid that hall entirely.  Nothing good will be dwelling in those dank regions.  And last of all, if it’s really

starting to get late… honestly, just go back to your room.  I know, it’s really inconvenient, but unless it’s an emergency, it’s best to just avoid the public restrooms entirely once you start getting close to midnight.  There’s a whole day’s worth of grossness and shame built up, the congers are at the most drunk and rowdy, and the janitorial staff is usually beat to exhaustion by that point anyway.  So, unless your roommates are even WORSE, it’s probably better to just go back up and do your business there.

In closing, I must make a confession: I know I ranted and raved about how bad con bathrooms can be… but I’ve seen far, FAR worse in other places.  I’ve seen things in Greyhound stations and highway rest stops and run-down gas stations that dwarf even the worst of my con experiences.  So far, no con has boasted a sweater covered ENTIRELY with feces tossed onto the floor, but Union Station definitely has.  And I could probably write a book about this one convenience store in North DC I used to live near.  It was one of those places with four different soap dispensers over the sink… and a store bought squirt bottle underneath, since they were ALL broken.  This was a bathroom that they didn’t simply close, they BARRICADED.  I’m talking dragging broken freezer units out of the back to seal the door as tightly as possible.  Have fun imagining what unholy terror they were keeping locked in there, and take comfort in knowing that even the grossest con bathroom you encounter won’t be THAT bad.

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