Youzitsu: To Protect Her Smile (Patreon)

Chapter 1: Inner Monologue of Luo Mu

Drip, drip, drip—

Splash, splash, splash—

Pat, pat, pat—

The sound of rain is always peculiar, constantly changing. It produces different sounds when it falls on different objects. I think viewing the world through them might evoke a different sensation.

At the traffic light across the sidewalk, the rain blurs into blocky red halos. The vivid red removes its usual sharpness, making it softer.

Yet still very noticeable.

The transparent raincoat creates a dense "pitter-patter" sound, surrounded by a crowded crowd.

Boom—

The explosive roar spreads across the dark night sky. Thunder in a rainy night should be ordinary, yet I couldn't help but be drawn to this roar.

Dark purple thunder diffuses with a faint white flash in the thick clouds, disappearing in an instant. That lightning had illuminated the world for just a moment, only to fade away thereafter.

This sentence repeats like the one I just said.

Perhaps you can't understand what I'm talking about, but I just want to express that moment. Only in that moment do I feel wonder. What remains is just repetition.

I once heard a saying—Have you truly lived over ten thousand days, or have you just lived one day, repeating it ten thousand times? This quote comes from the Portuguese poet Fernando Pessoa. Previously, I couldn't understand the meaning of this sentence, but now I deeply feel it.

The past is just a wisp of smoke, and the present is like an old movie engraved on black and white film playing in a vintage projector.

I gaze at the dark clouds of the rainy night, not knowing what I'm thinking, or perhaps thinking nothing at all. With unfathomable thoughts, I shift my gaze back to the traffic light in front of me.

—Three, two, one.

This is not a lonely countdown, but rather the precise electronic timing, the red light, and the pleasure of my inner journey to the end.

Unlike me, none of the people around me wear raincoats; instead, they hold umbrellas.

They frown, distractedly watching the bright white light in their hands, hurrying along.

I try to step forward, but fail without exception. Then I feel a push from behind, not very strong, but I can clearly sense the rudeness and impatience. Waves of pushing make it even harder for me to move forward, but fortunately, he quickly adopts a different approach.

Forcibly leaning his shoulder against my arm, he pushes me backward and squeezes himself forward. With a heart full of resentment, he leaves me with a lot of pressure in that moment. As a result, half of his body gets wet from my raincoat.

It's not his fault.

The fault lies in my prolonged stay... probably.

In fact, it's not that I don't want to cross this sidewalk; it's because the crowd around me is so crowded that I'm forced to stay still. I imagine scenes from anime where I'm carried forward only by the flow of the crowd, without making any movement myself.

But obviously, this can only be my fantasy. Such things only happen in unrealistic novels. In reality, no one will spontaneously lead you forward; they'll either replace you or destroy you.

The term "goodness" originates from the human heart, so only a world constructed from within will be good.

So, this world is truly full of human warmth and coldness. I chuckled self-deprecatingly.

Indeed, from the beginning, I never had the opportunity to frolic in utopia, and the "crime" I committed could only be met with treatment like this, or even worse.

As the green light approached its end, the surroundings became slightly calmer. The loneliness of the old era always heralds the rise of a new one, and because I deeply understand this principle, I seize this opportunity to briskly traverse the night.

The brim of the raincoat hood is always shorter than I imagine, so I can only lower it to cover myself, bowing my head to observe the hurried footsteps around me.

The sound of footsteps splashing in puddles is completely masked by the rain, but what I understand more is not the sound of rain but the hustle and bustle of the crowd. The varied languages of humans constantly intersect, eventually transforming into the most clamorous natural sound.

Isn't this a bit ridiculous?

It's said that nature has the purest sounds, the most ethereal and purifying. But is that really the case?

The sounds of hustling and bustling are filled with various life experiences. Although different, without exception, their ultimate goals are the same.

The disguises of missing gatherings, apologies to save face, complaints about still working hard to make a living, the joy of lovers, the exhaustion of snack shop owners... Everything wears this face, the entire society, this second nature of humanity, ultimately cannot escape the word "interest."

Interest is the foundation of everything; all aspects of human society are built on the supremacy of interest.

And we humans are just creatures of self-interest.

I stroll towards the dark depths of the corner alley, surviving in it like a worm in a drain.

– – –

Although it may be a bit sudden, I want to interrupt everyone here.

I want to ask all of you, what is the meaning of life? Or rather, where does the meaning of life lie?

Have you ever thought about this question? During leisure time after working hard, or when you are forced into desperation and suffering, have you ever had the same doubts as me?

What is the meaning of life? Where does the meaning of life lie?

It seems that these two questions are completely irrelevant, but in fact, what I want to ask here is almost the same in meaning. In short, it is: Why do 'I' exist in this world?

Some say that living is for money, for repaying parents' kindness, for children's happiness, for leaving a lasting legacy, for a happy and fulfilling marriage in the future... Such statements are not uncommon.

However, these are just some specific phenomena encountered in the pursuit of life's mission, not the essence.

So what is the essence?

The answer is - 'Nothing.'

In just a hundred years, we spend our whole lives, only to be transient visitors in time, ultimately becoming a speck of dust in the era, or not even that. All achievements, like human life, dissipate at the slightest breath.

After a brief and hasty consideration, I came to this conclusion:

—There is no meaning to human existence; we live just to live.

If that's the case, why do we cling to survival instead of just ending it all?

Perhaps you would like me to think more deeply, to provide a more profound argument to prove this point, but I think I can offer a simple discussion on it.

According to the law of entropy, a system always tends to move from order to disorder. Each person has a moment of turning into dust, destined from birth. Therefore, our death is inevitable.

In other words, when we leave this world, those so-called material possessions, money, or even our bodies will be destroyed in that moment. What we can take with us is only the spirit and belief that remains within us.

That is, the consciousness and soul that never fade away.

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the soul and consciousness possess such characteristics.

According to this reasoning, when we are alive, we should pursue spiritual richness. That is, to seek emotional satisfaction and intellectual enrichment.

If that's the case, then the essence of our lives is pure sensibility.

In plain terms, it's happiness.

The meaning of our existence lies in the pursuit of happiness.

However, although it seems like we are on the path to happiness, in reality, we have deviated too far from it. When everyone's brows are furrowed, hurrying along, we should realize this.

Endless learning, heavy mortgages, the difficulties of the workplace— These leave us no chance to catch our breath. It's said to be in pursuit of happiness, but ultimately, it's all for one word - 'money.'

To be precise, it should be - 'interest.'

Human civilization has developed for thousands of years, driven by the operation of interests, pushing society to rapid development, and even evolving to the point where talking about money makes people uncomfortable. It has become that living is solely for one's own interests.

How tragic this is.

The original intention of civilization was not to gain more benefits, but to spend the rest of one's life in the way one wanted, thereby achieving greater spiritual wealth. It was about pursuing what people nowadays call happiness.

But now, this is extremely difficult.

People expend a lot of time and energy, even sacrificing their own bodies, to exchange for that incomparable life, which passes in the blink of an eye. From birth to schooling, work to marriage, building a family to raising offspring, and finally departing.

What can you accomplish in these short hundred years? Can you truly achieve spiritual wealth? No, you cannot. You exhaust all your efforts, only to realize that you have always been striving for material life. Don't say that you've at least tried; such words are merely self-deception.

What are these?

In the barbaric era of apes, was strength synonymous with happiness?

In the dangerous era of wars, was merely being alive happiness?

The happiness of the majority of people is nothing more than a reflection of social phenomena under their respective historical backgrounds. The happiness we talk about is not real happiness; it's just pursuing self-interest throughout our lives.

If you disagree with what was said above, then let's skip the rebuttals and approach what we call happiness directly.

You haven't failed; through your efforts, you've reached the pinnacle of the pyramid. Achieving success, even having your name remembered for a thousand years.

But you have to accept that all of this is meaningless.

Whether you like it or not, after billions of years, the traces of our human life will be wiped away. No matter how brilliant your achievements, no matter what status and power you possess, it will all disappear forever.

Just as if humanity had never appeared in the universe at all, in the grand scale of the universe, everything about us humans is insignificant.

Our existence and disappearance have no impact on the universe.

Can material satisfaction lead to spiritual satisfaction? Is that possible? Can you truly sustain it until then? Even if you manage to stay at the peak, there's a fear that only emptiness remains.

Since fate is no longer a topic for discussion, why don't people return to dust early and seek a grand liberation?

At least, that's how I see it.

I left behind the darkness of this society alone and felt a slight sense of joy for the impending failure of my own death, but more so, sadness.

I didn't see anything wrong with this approach, but I was still stopped by him.

"...Is this your reason for planning to commit suicide?"

"It's not planning; it's in progress, but it was interrupted by you." I knew this topic wouldn't be resolved quickly, so I voluntarily got off the bench.

"Do you think you can die from hanging with how monstrous your physical condition is?"

"I've looked it up online, and it's one of the most common methods of suicide. Although I don't believe my death would be caused by a broken neck, I still want to give it a try."

"You must have experienced it before— even if you adjust yourself mentally, your body will reflexively resist this situation."

"Reflexes are not uncontrollable behaviors, and the previous experiments were not voluntary on my part. Suicide is causing death with one's own hands— I didn't expect you to visit my place today, it was my miscalculation— Next time, I will treat it as cautiously as a mission and try not to let anyone find out."

I brought two bottles of cola from the fridge and sat with him on the sofa. I'm not interested in drinks like this, but since I'm here, I'll consider it a reward to console myself.

"Do you want there to be a next time?!" He grabbed the chilled drink from my hand with some irritation, forcefully opened the tab, took a big sip, and said, "You seem to know what you're talking about."

"I'm just stating the facts." I mimicked his action, trying to pull open the tab on the cola can.

"Did I let you have freedom just so you could commit suicide?"

"Haven't I completed all your missions? You said so yesterday." After much effort, I finally managed to pull open the tab and took a sip.

... It didn't feel that good.

[From now on, I won't interfere with you anymore. Do whatever you want.]

Hmm, that's about what he said. I nodded, confirming the image in my mind.

He listened to my response and gave me a blank look.

"Wasn't telling you to do this, my statement had a clear purpose."

"Is that so? I didn't hear it."

"You really..."

He shook his head, looking helpless. Then, he pinched his temple, closed his eyes, and thought for a moment.

"All right, then, I'll arrange for you to go somewhere."

"Even though I've regained my freedom."

It's a pity, just a little bit more and I could have succeeded. Just a little bit more and I could have escaped from this world.

"Just consider this as a condition for you to obtain freedom. As long as you stay there for three years, you can do whatever you want. By that time, I won't bother with you anymore, to the extent that even if you die, I won't bury you."

"That's outrageous. Is this some kind of trick to deceive children?"

Like wearing two hats won't make you taller, or you can't use an umbrella indoors, or not going out at half-past midnight, and so on. Speaking of which, people have encountered so many deceptions during their childhood, it's terrifying.

"Of course not."

If he jokes about this being a prank in three years, then I'll bring him together with me to the afterlife.

"What's the reason?"

"What reason?"

"The reason for going to that place."

"To make you understand the true essence of life."

"I've just gone through something like that a moment ago."

"That's because you still don't understand."

Ah, a single sentence refuted it all. After contemplating my views for over ten minutes, they were all refuted just like that. It's truly heartbreaking.

"You don't understand the meaning of life at all. I remember you've studied Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, right? Don't you think you're experiencing a typical 'peak experience' in self-actualization continuously or multiple times?"

"... No, it should be the problem with the teaching method. The cruel and inhumane educational system should have been vetoed from the beginning. But it's too late to say these things now."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with the teaching method. On the contrary, it's more convenient this way. I'm still wondering why this model hasn't been popularized."

"Do you think everyone is like you? And this model can only be implemented with a certain degree of official basis. Otherwise, when you apply for a job, your education will be eliminated from the beginning."

Ah, that's true. It's a society that looks at your credentials; there's no time to test your real abilities. And I have no experience of going to school, only the experience of learning.

After saying this, the man fell into a brief silence, staring at the delicious beverage in his hand, lost in thought. I could read the subtle expressions on his face, but even so, I still didn't know where his thoughts were. It was strange yet ordinary.

"... I ask you, do you feel pain?" After an unknown amount of time, during which the rain blurred countless windows, the man looked at me with those ridiculous eyes.

A nonsensical question.

"As long as people are alive, they can feel pain."

"Your ability to answer questions indirectly is even more thoughtful than rumored." The man sighed, then changed the subject, "You probably haven't experienced what pain really is."

"Are you kidding me? As long as you're human, you can feel the existence of pain. Moreover, I'm just an ordinary person. And please don't easily believe rumors from the outside world; your subjective judgments like this will make me very distressed."

No one can violate this point. Even ordinary people.

After hearing my words, he smirked mockingly at me, which made me a bit annoyed.

"Ordinary person, once again, an ordinary person. I've always wanted to know what your so-called 'ordinary' really means. Is your definition of an ordinary person someone who neither lives a wealthy life as a bourgeois nor holds any authority as a ruling class member? Or is it someone who can anticipate and accept all events as ordinary while maintaining their humanity?"

I didn't respond to his statement. In fact, I didn't know how to prove myself to him.

I didn't intend to waste energy on this meaningless matter.

"However, you've probably experienced the feeling of pain— but it has likely become just an image."

"Those things are well stored in my mind."

"But you don't really consider them as your memories, do you? They're just images, even if they're certified as memories, you treat them as existences similar to movies. You don't have a genuine feeling of your own existence."

"Since my suicide was stopped by you not long ago, it means I'm still alive now."

I tossed the empty can into the trash without caring and dealt with his rhetorical questions. It wasn't something I needed to learn, but I understood it nonetheless. However, he didn't seem to want to continue discussing with me but rather continued the previous topic.

"People can feel pain because their good and evil are not pure enough. For someone like you who can't feel pain, do you possess pure evil or pure good?"

"Or perhaps you're not even human."

In his casual tone, I sensed deep malice, as he wanted to delve deeply into my past. It was clear he had started to doubt.

"That's too much. My veins carry genuine human blood. If you don't believe me, I can demonstrate it to you, although it will be painful."

"... Are you sure?"

"Hey, hey, are you really going to do it? It'll hurt a lot." I quickly moved aside, wary of his actions.

A smile suddenly appeared on his serious face. "Of course I'm joking. How could you be a machine? I haven't seen you charging at all during the month of surveillance."

"A month of continuous surveillance... Why didn't you mention it to me?"

"Do you think I would let you know?"

"... Fine, I don't care about these questions. There were indeed five water drop cameras. I thought he had some profound purpose and was paying attention to my every move. But in the end, he just wanted to verify the absurd conclusion that I'm not human."

He set aside the cola can and slowly took out a cigarette from the inner pocket of his suit, placing it between his lips. I've always been puzzled by the fact that people working in the corporate world always wear suits. Even in formal occasions, you have to wear a suit, even in the scorching summer. This is a ritual formed I don't know when, supposedly indicating the proactive attitude of employees. However, I can't see that at all.

"Luo Mu, listen carefully. Although living is for death, it's also what gives life meaning. The meaning of life is to live, and living is to let you cry, laugh, feel pain, and unease. It's to let you experience happiness and warmth."

"That's what you think is lacking."

After hearing this reply, I was a bit puzzled by his meaning, and when I came to my senses, I realized I was frowning.

"Heh..." A smirk appeared on his face, looking at me with an expression that said, "You really don't know anything."

"So fake, Little Mu."

I didn't like being called Little Mu, as it always felt like an insult. But this wasn't the time to discuss that.

"What do you mean? What's so fake?"

"Or is it more appropriate to say 'incomplete'?" He shook his head, "Anyway, you'll understand in the future, after spending three years there, or perhaps even less."

"... Although I don't understand, as long as I can fulfill your final request."

"Indeed, you show no mercy."

I didn't intend to engage in a battle of cryptic words, so I asked directly.

"Where is the mission location?"

"At Kōdo Ikusei High School," he said with a smile.

"... Are you saying you want me to stay at a high school for three full years?"

At this time, going to high school is completely meaningless, except for being able to make various friends. I won't learn anything else there. Is there any other special place?

"No, that high school is not what you imagine." He wagged his index finger in front of my eyes. "The life inside is different from an ordinary high school, it will be more interesting than you think. Just make sure you don't get expelled from school before the three years are up."

"... Just not getting expelled?" I asked him my final question with doubt.

"No, of course not. Just avoiding expulsion is far from meeting my requirements."

"What do you want then? If the mission isn't clearly defined, I can't act."

"What I want, you don't need to know. I'll set conditions for you, and you just need to follow my instructions."

"That's too troublesome. It would be better if you told me your purpose directly, so I could just achieve the goal. If you don't, I can't guarantee that I will succeed."

"If I tell you the purpose, you will definitely fail. Besides, even if you fail, isn't it fine? After all—"

"I haven't seen what it looks like when you fail."

"My failure is nothing special; everyone fails at some point. And you're overestimating me. There are countless ordinary people like me, and there are plenty of people better than me."

"Haha, you're too modest. Tomorrow, I'll tell you the information about this mission, but you can only use the information I provide, and you're not allowed to investigate the school on your own."

"Your demands are quite strict."

"I look forward to your actions."

"Then I wish you success with your commission, goodbye."

"You're really an impolite kid."