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Kina Diaries: Introverted (Patreon)

Published:
2016-12-16 21:02:44
Edited:
2017-04-07 14:33:19
Imported:
2022-05

Content

It's been a weird last week or so for me. It's been filled with opportunities to make and share music, opportunities to connect with people, all good things... but despite it all centering around things and people I love, it's been a bit of a struggle. 

First let me hammer this in: I am so grateful for these opportunities, so grateful to experience them, to grow from them, to have been offered them in the first place. This week has just been a good reminder of one important little fact: I am an introvert. 

Knowing my fans, I imagine this is a statement that resonates with a good many of you. Introversion is an interesting thing. It's commonly mistaken with simply being quiet or shy--often traits of introverts--but the most important thing is this: where do you get your energy? Do you recharge from your time alone, or do you get energy from being around people? 

I'm coming up to the finish line this week. By the end of tonight I will have played at a gala, a holiday party, and a YouTube event, shot two videos, conducted an interview, presented an award at a gala, and been "social" more times than my little introvert brain can remember. All amazing things! But then why have I felt constantly on the edge of a minor breakdown? :/

More and more I'm realizing the importance of protecting and creating alone time for myself, especially when things get busy. For my happiness, for my stress level, and simply for my ability to continue giving my all to the things (and people) I love. 

I am also finding the importance in being kinder to myself. Socializing can be extremely hard for me. It can also be incredibly exhausting. I have a lot of stress leading up to it and a lot of stress following it. I struggle to find my step, to remember who I am amidst all the people and stimuli around me. I often leave with a pit in my stomach, a sense of failure--that I wasn't fully able to be myself, that I was too in my head, that I said or did something wrong. 

The problem is I love people. I love connecting with them. I love sharing experiences with them. So if it was as easy as just not connecting and being okay with that, or simply building a life where I didn't have to be "on" or around people ever, that'd be one thing, but I crave these connections. This is something I've been working on since as long as I can remember, and while I've made huge strides over the years, it's something that I am constantly struggling with.

Introversion is often perceived in our society as the lesser of the two traits. The weak one. The quiet one. But history has shown that introverts have their important place as well--the Einsteins, Gandhis, artists, healers, philosophers. I have spent a lot of my life feeling less than, feeling that something was wrong with me because some things don't come easy to me, but I am trying to change this. I'm trying to embrace all of myself. I know that without my introverted nature I would not have spent so much time alone, thinking, feeling, observing the world around me--all things that are 100% the reason I am pulled to create music. My introversion is in many ways my strength. And so I begin the process of forgiving myself for not always knowing how to be, for sometimes feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed, for hiding in bathrooms for a break at social gatherings, for choosing a night in over a night out when I feel my heart asking for some quiet. If those are the repercussions of being myself, maybe they're not bad or wrong. Maybe they just are. Maybe I can be okay with that. Maybe not feeling that I'm broken will actually allow me to be more comfortable being myself.

Interestingly, there is one thing that involves other people that is purely energizing and life-giving for me, and that is playing music for you guys. Whether it's playing shows on tour or sitting in front of a computer streaming it out from my home to yours, that fuels me. And so, strangely, as I've dragged myself along this week, the light at the end of the tunnel was you. Tomorrow morning I get to make myself some tea, cozy up in front of my computer, and share in the experience of music with my online family. 

Thank you for being a safe space. Thank you for supporting and encouraging and inspiring me.

xo

Kina

Comments

Anonymous

I had this lesson of self discovery this year. I've realized I can get up infront of crowds of tens of thousands and rock a stage but I too am introverted. But even on that time on stage or in front of a camera I'm still in my safety net of my own world. Now the fun part comes when it's time to meet and shake peoples hands... turns out I'm a natural at it. But truth be told I look forward to the minutes I'm back on my way home or to the hotel so I can just read a book or write. Its truly second nature the way I can work a room, but thats all it is and that's all it'll ever be. You're definitely hitting the nail on the head when it comes to getting that alone time. It's important. To just sit. and let your mind wander. But in your own space. Its great if you can have someone there to wander with you, but its an intimate space that not many are allowed to go to with you. Dont think of yourself as broken, but just remember its that introversion that's allowed you to create an art that your fans, including myself, have come to appreciate.

Anonymous

Love love love your sound and style! Beautiful!

Anonymous

As an introvert myself, I feel comfort knowing that there are other people like me who are facing obstacles similar to mine. Thank you for being such a kind and understanding person, Kina. I, and so many others wish nothing but the best for your health, family, friends, and career. Happy holidays!

Anonymous

Take a look at MBTI. You are most likely an INFP. Merry Christmas.

Anonymous

No problem girlie. Take it one day at a time :) always rooting for you!

Anonymous

You are loving and worthy of love ... the you that is more truth than even you can acknowledge. Good and bad are social constructs applied far too often. It is okay to be the youest you that you can be.

Anonymous

i used sit in front of the locker in high school and eat lunch alone i felt i never fitted in anywhere i always enjoyed being in my own fantasy i also had issues where i felt if i talked to someone i might say something wrong they would ditch me. i know how you feel mom. i just started feeling less out casted when i restarted watching ryan higa's off the pill videos and superwoman they taught me to be proud of me that being weird is actually good thing that they day you start loving ur self for who you are people will eventually be attracted to u and the ppl who matter will always stay ^_^ and mom my dad at my home said to me if i have doubts about myself just to tell yourself these two phrases each day "im enough" and "thank you"

Anonymous

Beautiful piece! Thanks for articulating all of that, I always find it hard to explain being an introvert. People always tell me no you're and extrovert you're so fun and outgoing! But I too get my energy from being alone. I think it's easy to confuse being alone with being lonely, because being alone can really be such a beautiful and rejuvenating thing. The quiet of my own mind. There's a really great book called "Quiet" by Susan Cain about the power of introverts, and how introversion is a strength. I think you should read it!

Anonymous

Merry Christmas :) Funny enough, I've finally found time to read this and it's at a time where I'm forcing myself to not be around others to recharge, even though it's Christmas (don't worry, I spent it with my family for lunch, and then with my gf for coffee :D). But I'm the same way. Everyone who meets me thinks I'm extroverted. I teach psychology at a community college, I've been a youth leader for the past 14 years, and I volunteer and fund raise for various charities. And I think living in LA, networking is so important that I'm always aware of making sure I socialize with people. So when I teach about extroversion/introversion, I share with my students that I'm an introvert and they never believe me because of the energy I have in the classroom. So I share with them how much I value my time alone after a long day of working or volunteering or youth leader-ing. I am so exhausted after a day with people. But it's hard for me to re-charge when I love people so much. I love hearing their stories and learning from their experiences. I love being the support that my students and youth kids need. I love raising awareness for a good cause. January 1, 2017, marks the 1 year anniversary of me living by myself. It was this past year, where I came home to no one (no family, no roommates, no pets) that I finally realized how much of an introverted person I actually am. And it felt amazing to finally understand that about myself. I am now better equipped to take care of myself and to re-charge so that when I am with others, I am 100% there for them. If you're interested, there's this great book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. She writes about self-compassion and self-love. It absolutely helped me gain a better perspective about taking care of myself. Thanks for sharing this with us. And, of course, thank you for sharing your music.

Anonymous

People knowing me would not call me an introvert. But I am introvert enough to book a meet and greet with you, be there and not take the opportunity to talk to you. Don't worry, it's fine to be as you are. Just make sure you handle yourself with care.

Anonymous (edited)

Comment edits

2023-02-02 03:27:44 I can relate to this, but I wonder if it's anxiety that's causing the stress before and after your social events? I recently found out that I am not an introvert like I originally thought, but am an extrovert with very, very high levels of anxiety that makes me nervous and stress out about how others perceive me, if I've said the right thing or not - I replay scenes in my head and conversations and think of different options I could have done or different things I could have said instead, then explore each route. I'm not sure if that's the same for you, but that's been my journey anyway. Not sure if you'll see this, but if you do, I hope that what I've shared has been insightful <3 it's my first time posting on patreon! I did it for you! :) take care!
2020-04-25 08:14:36 I can relate to this, but I wonder if it's anxiety that's causing the stress before and after your social events? I recently found out that I am not an introvert like I originally thought, but am an extrovert with very, very high levels of anxiety that makes me nervous and stress out about how others perceive me, if I've said the right thing or not - I replay scenes in my head and conversations and think of different options I could have done or different things I could have said instead, then explore each route. I'm not sure if that's the same for you, but that's been my journey anyway. Not sure if you'll see this, but if you do, I hope that what I've shared has been insightful <3 it's my first time posting on patreon! I did it for you! :) take care!

I can relate to this, but I wonder if it's anxiety that's causing the stress before and after your social events? I recently found out that I am not an introvert like I originally thought, but am an extrovert with very, very high levels of anxiety that makes me nervous and stress out about how others perceive me, if I've said the right thing or not - I replay scenes in my head and conversations and think of different options I could have done or different things I could have said instead, then explore each route. I'm not sure if that's the same for you, but that's been my journey anyway. Not sure if you'll see this, but if you do, I hope that what I've shared has been insightful <3 it's my first time posting on patreon! I did it for you! :) take care!